What Am I Waiting For Puns

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

• "Can't talk, busy camping," replied Tom, intent.
• "The French don't deserve our thanks," said Tom mercilessly.
• "Haven't you heard me singing in church?" Tom inquired.
• "I'll win this tennis game if I get one more point, " Tom deduced.
• "I didn't eat my T-bone tonight," said Tom mistakenly.
• "So you're asking about my mink coat," Tom inferred.
• "I'm wearing a watch around my wrist," said Tom with abandon.
• "I'm the most important salmon vendor," said Tom selfishly.
• "I was correct the first three times, and I am correct now," said Tom forthrightly.
• "Castration is reversible," Tom remembered.
• "I brought the dessert," said Tom piously.
• "I command my own private army," said Tom maliciously.
• "I'll order the same meat as last time," Tom revealed.
• "I've never swum in Egypt's longest river," said Tom in denial.
• "Et tu?" asked Tom brutally.
• "That's women for you," said Tom dismissively.
• "I'll have a bowl of Chinese soup," said Tom wantonly.
• "I eat everything," said Tom in jest.
• "I gave you your freedom, and I can take it away," said Tom deliberately.
• "Maybe if I rub this lamp something good will happen," said Tom ingeniously.
• "I'm never taking an Uber again," Tom derided.
• "That dog is a mongrel," Tom muttered.
• "It's too bad Babe isn't on our team," said Tom ruthlessly.
• "Maybe I should stop using worms to catch fish... or maybe not," Tom debated.
• "Hemingway is my favorite author," said Tom earnestly.
• "This drumming is too easy," said Tom without missing a beat.
• "This is a frozen dessert,” I screamed.
• "Now I have TWO duck feathers", Tom doubled down.
• "She would never answer her phone the first time, you always had to hang up once," Tom recalled.
• "Two plus five is seven,” Tom added.
• "I only have Diamonds, Clubs and Spades," said Tom heartlessly.
• "It's okay, the PlayStation still works," Tom consoled.
• "Capital punishment is mostly used on the lower classes," said Tom with poor execution.
• "Where are all of my old board games?" asked Tom cluelessly.
• "I might be acquitted," said Tom without conviction.
• "I've never dyed my hair red, but I'll try it," said Tom gingerly.
• "Ugh! I need to shave again," Tom bristled.
• "Whale hunting makes me so sad," Tom blubbered.
• "I'll quit smoking marijuana right now!" said Tom bluntly.
• "I like hot dogs more than hamburgers," said Tom frankly.
• "I signed it twice," Tom remarked.
• "I received a letter to take my car in for repair," Tom recalled.
• "I hate pale ale," sai

A cleaning material was usually put onto it to clean them, but it was very sticky, and had to be taken off before someone could go on it. One day, a man comes home to his wife stuck on the toilet seat because he didn't take the stuff off.

"Jim! How could you not tell me you cleaned it?! I can't get off!"

"It's alright honey, I'll help you"

After he tries many times to remove the seat from his wife's bottom, he still can't get it off. His wife is in pain and agony. Jim suggests that they visit the local doctor. His wife is mortified, but she reluctantly agrees.

They arrive at the hospital and request to see a doctor. The lady at the front desk told them to sit down and wait.

"Jim, everyone here is staring at me!"

"It's alright honey"

His wife is on the verge of tears, and Jim is still finding the situation hard to believe. Eventually, the doctor calls them into his room.

"So, what seems to be the problem today, ma'am?"

She explains what happened to the doctor. The doctor nods, and starts calling for some assistance.

"Jim, he's never seen anything like this before"

The doctor looks over.

"I have seen it before, just never framed and mounted"

I am marrying the most incredible woman on October 2nd, She is my dream woman in some ways, and re-wrote what my dream woman is in others - some were ways that I did not know were options, so I didn't dream of a woman having it!

So I am writing my vows and I am writing a bit about how I love her and end it with:

"Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you."

Wedding is on October 2nd and I cannot wait to drop this beauty on everyone!

...and as he looks across the road he sees a man with a giant orange head. The man with the giant orange head looks over and smiles, crossing the road to speak to the other man.

"I'm so sorry, "says the first man, "I didn't mean to stare at you!" "It's absolutely fine," says the man with the giant orange head, "Happens all the time. I bet you're wondering how I got this giant orange head." "Well, yes!" replied the first man. "Well...my grandmother died recently. She had been unwell for a long time and basically raised me as my parents had died when I was very young. She raised me alone as my grandfather had died before I was born. We didn't have very much but we were happy. I loved her very much. After her funeral, it was time to clear the house as it was rented and I wanted to move on anyway. I was up in the attic going through her papers and I saw this dusty old lamp. I lifted it, gave it a little rub and there was a huge flash. When I opened my eyes there was a strange looking man. It felt like he looked into my soul. 'I am the genie of the lamp' he said, 'and I grant you three wishes' I didn't believe him at first but deep within me I knew it was true. He asked me what my first wish was and clichéd as it was, I said World Peace."

"Hahaha...how did that work out?" asked the first man.

"Well, " replied the man with the giant orange head, "have you heard of any wars or riots happening in the last few days?"

"Come to think of it, " said the first man, "You're right. The news has been pretty positive! Wow! That's amazing. So what did you choose for your second wish?"

"I gave it a few minutes thought this time " smiled the man with the giant orange head, "and remembering how poor we were, I wished for an unending supply of money."

"Did it work??" asked the first man.

"It did!" replied the man with the giant orange head, "here's £10,000 from my pocket. Enjoy it, I've got as much as I want."

"Wow, thank you so much!" said the first man, "that's incredibly generous of you, I don't know what to say! Oh wait! What did you ask for for your third wish?"

"I wished for a giant orange head."

Some stories have hooks.

This story has a bloody good one.

It's about love—

Or at least marriage.

My marriage.

At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.

The hook's in the beginning.

Although it's really the tail end that's most moving—at least now, when our love's drying up.

Understand:

I'm a fisherman, and I caught my wife with another man.

Well, I caught the man first.

I used Craigslist.

But I suppose the details don't really matter. It's enough to know that by the time he was naked in the shed it was too late for him to change his mind.

He broke down easily. He wasn't particularly thick skinned.

That's where the hook came in—

pushed through a fold of flesh on his back.

He wasn't much in the size department, but I didn't intend for him to get hung up on it. Unfortunately, he kept trying to escape, so what choice did I have? Then he seemed quite insecure, so I pierced him with another steel hook just in case.

Like I said:

Bloody good hook.

After he stopped struggling, I took him down and dragged him to my boat. Then we went fishing.

Hold on, though.

I may need to backtrack a little, because you may be wondering how I even knew she was out there.

The answer is: I'd already seen her swimming a few times.

It was love at first sight.

Like many couples nowadays we met on the net.

So back to when I was fishing:

I was in my boat with the Craigslist man with the steel hooks in his back. I had tied a thick rope to one of the hooks, placed the man onto a net, and pushed them both overboard. He splashed and choked, attracting a lot of attention.

I waited for her call.

It came.

She sounded so near to me.

When she swam just close enough to the Craigslist man in the water, I pulled in the net—and there she was: shining, mine to the gills and writhing so enticingly!

I took her ashore.

I placed her in a water tank and told her she would be my wife.

I screwed her—

shut.

For days I watched her bang—

on the glass.

Until one day it happened: the glass cracked, the tank broke open, and with the water she spilled onto the floor.

Now here I am, watching my marriage fall apart.

Her gills are barely stirring.

Her face: dry and still.

It's only her scaly tail that's still gently moving.

I caught my wife with another man. I met her on the net. I thought our love would last forever, but now, listening to her shriek, I realize I was catfished! I wanted to marry a siren—but this thing is nothing

I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.

So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word “legendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, “No, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

• Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

• Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

• Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

• Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

• Thank you

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

You’re 40, she’s 10 – A classic  Abbott and Costello skit, where  Bud Abbott tries to play a prank on  Lou Costello, only for Lou to use his clownish math skills.

Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): You’re 40 years old and you’re in love with this little girl that’s 10 years old. You’re four times as old as that girl and you couldn’t marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): All right- you’re 40 years-old, you’re four times as old as this girl, and you can’t marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girl’s 15 and you’re 45. You’re only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, you’re at 60. You’re only twice as old as that little girl.
📷****Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): She’s catching up.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Yes, yes. Now here’s the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Now what kinda question is that? That’s ridiculous!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): If I wait for that girl she’ll pass me up. She’ll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): She’ll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): …I was nice enough to wait for her!

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

it was a top trumps with zoo animals.

Brother: ermmm Weight

Dad: no response

Brother: "I said weight"

Dad: What am i waiting for you told me to wait!

... And my dad walks into the living room in his boxers and asks what I am doing.. Me: "Waiting for my SO" Dad: "Ah man. Geez" M: "What? We can work out after she leaves in an hour" D: "No. It's not that. I'm in my boxers" M: "So? She wouldn't care" D: "No. I just don't want her to trip"

Dad dicks.

So a couple days ago as I was leaving work I get a phone call from a friend of mine who I shall call k during this story

Now K never calls people so I was surprised that he was calling me, and was even more surprised when the first words he said when I picked up where, “Acriloc you’re a bad influence on my brother.”

I was shocked at such an accusation, wounded even and asked why. K then proceeded to tell me how when he was at work he slipped on a recently mopped floor and fractured his arm. A coworker of his dropped him off at the ER where he decided to text his brother C, someone whom I’m friend with as well, while he waited.

C asked if K was ok, and how since K works in a kitchen what’s he going to do if he can’t use his right arm for a while. K then told C how he tends to practice using his left arm just in case anything like this would happen, and though he won’t be able to do everything he did in the kitchen he’ll still be able to work and help out.

C responded with, “I guess all that practice came in....handy.”
Causing K to burst out in laughter in the middle of the ER waiting room, filled with people who are in pain and not having a pleasant day. The amount of death stares he got from people as he was laughing while trying to point at his phone and explain he’s laughing because of a lame joke his brother sent him was quite the sight to behold apparently.

Apparently I am to blame for all this because C used to never make jokes like that until he met me since I try to find any excuse to make a dad joke.

Me and my friends were talking about the amount of schoolwork I'll be involved next semester. One of the courses I am taking is a Spanish class to fulfill a GE so I can graduate next semester. My friend, who's fluent in Spanish, told me it'll be a piece of cake.

Me: Hey, if Spanish is easy for you, do you think you can write my essays for me? (jokingly)

Him: I'll consider it. Depends on how hard the course is and what books you have to read for the class.

Me: Well, for the final paper, do you think you can give me a C, ese?

Him: Yeah, that shou... wait...

He let out a horrible groan while the other immediately got up and left the room while groaning. I'm pretty sure I could've made it a little bit better, but I'm happy with that.

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

• A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

• When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

• A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

• A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

• A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."

• A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"

• A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"

• A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'

• An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."

• A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"

• A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"

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