What do you call when a dude is suddenly over-weighted after one night?
From Instagram to Instakilogram
The detective shuddered when he realised the weapons from each crime scene were the same weight
They weren't just chasing a serial killer, they were chasing a mass murderer
Houseflies are arithmetic-whizzes.
What do you call a hen that’s good at arithmetic?
Some guy stole my weight loss pills
Jokes on him he won't be gaining anything
Why do weighted blankets calm you down?
Because compression is the opposite of tension!
Me: Huh, I'm wearing away my A Key. Husband: So...that means you're not in pain any more? Me: Take my upvote and leave!
Does this mean we're doomed?
When my aunt Penny died she hadn’t cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldn’t afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
I finally decided to do something about my weight.
From now on, I'm simply going to lie about it.
Today, my daughter told me I was being mean to her
I️ guess that makes me an average parent.
What do you call an arithmetic tutor?
I’m sorry and I apologize mean the same thing.
So my friend refused to change his lifestyle after the doctor said that his weight is killing him
That didn't work out for him
I've been trying to lose weight lately. I spent the last hour running around the cemetery but I had to stop because my arm and chest were really hurting...
I'm feeling dead tired now, I really hope they have a good resting place.
If you spell the words “Absolutely Nothing” backwards, you get “Gnihton Yletulosba,” which ironically means...
What does this pun mean
My uncle laughed at my aunt’s curio cabinet and he knows I hate knick-knack jokes.
So, you’re an android. Does that mean you take everything literally?
No. That’s a kleptomaniac.
What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?
I don’t mean to brag but...
Cashiers are always checking me out
Heard about a diet the guarantees weight loss.
The world may seem mean but remember, people can be kind
And children can be kinder.
I don't mean to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, I know what all you are thinking right now. "It's spelt psychic, you idiot. "
If my ceiling fan supported my weight...
....I'll never be bored again.
Traveled to the top of a misty mountain in the Far East to ask the local monk the meaning of life
He said. Many men bite, but fumanchu
You’re doomed if you don’t know what “suffix” means
It really is the end of the word
A mean man told me I'd never be a lemon or a lime
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Just adopted a new dog. He's a bit mean and has a habit of barking by the sides of cliffs.
I guess he's just a little ruff around the edges.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
So, you're telling me a retail job doesn't mean...
....putting tails back on animals.
A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
Losing weight is a piece of cake
I had a mean sandwich the other day.
I mean, he is right though
I asked my dad, “What does Entropy mean?”
He said, “It isn’t what it used to be.”
I don’t mean to brag, but...
Cashiers are always checking me out.
What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?
I don't mean to brag..
but cashier's are always checking me out.
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