Weekends Away Puns

Me: it’s party time!

Dad (pointing to his wrist): not on my watch!

Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.

My parents planned to visit for dinner for my birthday. My university is about 45 minutes away from home. Mom and I chatted on the phone over the weekend, but tonight at dinner my mom again mentioned:

mom: "your brother had his friends stay overnight this weekend!"

me: "yes I heard."

dad: "wow, they were that loud?"

I'm currently on a weekend away with a local youth group near me since they needed more leaders. Someone explained to me that there was a leak in one of the boys bedrooms that needed fixing. I exclaimed "a leak? Why are they taking vegetables to their rooms?"

Suffice to say groans were had all around.

My youngest daughter hates wearing shoes to the point where I hardly ever see them on her. As a result she often loses them. A few weekends ago my girlfriend dropped me and the kids off at the local outdoor pool so we could get some energy out before a long drive to see family. As expected my youngest barely made it out of the parking lot with her shoes on, and as soon as we hit the grass by the pool she kicked them off and we all ran into the water to play and stuff.

I looked up at that big incomprehensible clock they have at swimming pools and saw that we were running late for that long drive, so we fled the pool rushed around getting dressed, only to discover one ... one of her shoes was missing. I was like ... how the hell do you lose one shoe? So we looked all around, then we went to the lost and found. Strangely there were several other single shoes in the lost and found but not hers. We went back and I called her mom to see if we could swing by and grab a spare pair of shoes.

Some kid next to us overheard me on the phone and said, "Hey did you lose a shoe?" I said, " ... yeah ...?" He said, "Yeah I found it over here -- " pointing like 10 feet away -- " so I took it to the cashier's office." (not the lost and found). My oldest daughter, always helpful, ran to the cashier's office and got the shoe, and all was well! We were only about 20 minutes late. Afterwards I was pondering what I could have done to avoid all that and then it hit me. I just needed to make sure that after my kids take off their shoes they are all in one place.

In other words I had just failed to put shoe and shoe together.

We were texting friends trying to set up something over the weekend and her best friend bailed saying she needed to save money. So my girlfriend turned to me and said:

"I'm SO pissed off"

"Well that's better than being pissed on honey"

You could hear the groan from a mile away.

'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life.

Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me! This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say. I'm Marty, I married your sister.''

We're in Ireland, and on our way to Dublin (capital city) for a weekend away. On the way there, we pass Birr Castle.

Me: "We're coming up to an Offaly cold castle up ahead." Her: "Thats a bad joke. But how is it a cold castle?" Me: "Because it's the Birr Castle!"

This was followed by a small groan and much eye rolling.

On the weekends, my roomie and I head to the cleaners to do our laundry. We were folding our clothes and towels away when he commented on how fancy I fold my towels, similar to how some hotels chains have theirs folded. He asked where I learned to fold towels like that when I said "Oh, its just a natural towel-lent of mine"

Last weekend, a group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were waiting in line for a concert in the city. While we were standing around, my girlfriend excitedly started pointing at a hotel a few blocks away.

"Look at the top of that building! I think that's an indoor pool on the top floor!"

Because it was hard to tell and we were bored in line, a debate started about whether it not it was actually a pool, until I stated that it was obviously a bar.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because nice hotels like to set the bar high."

I've never been prouder to make a group of people groan.

While setting up the tent for a camping weekend with my 6 year old, he asks what I am doing. I say "I'm hammering in the stakes so the tent doesn't blow away"

With the biggest smirk I have ever seen on him, and lots of laughter, he replies with "I thought the steaks were for dinner tonight"

Very proud day.

I picked up my son for the weekend and we get back to my house. I had hung up a few of his pictures on the fridge so naturally he asked about it.

Dad: Who is that on the fridge?

Son: Me!

Dad: Hmm... that's not me. That's Jason!

Son: No that's me!

Dad: I promise you that's not me. I'm pretty sure that's Jason...

This proceeds to go on for several more minutes until he groans and walks away.

Dad: 1 Me: 0

I work at a zoo on weekends. We were feeding the King Vultures their meat diets today.

The female almost always gets her meat stolen by the male, so we have to keep the male away while she eats the meat off the exhibit floor.

The other keeper wondered aloud why the male would want her food when he has the same thing waiting on his perch. I said "He must prefer ground beef."

Thank you.

Talking with my mom and dad and my mother was talking about the owl festival going on a few miles away this weekend. My dad and I look at each other and roll our eyes and I say, "sounds like a hoot..."