*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Did you know a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence?
For example
- I ate my friend's lunch
- I ate my friend's colon
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
The CEO of IKEA was just selected as the Prime Minister of Sweden
He’s assembling his cabinet.
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
Wife was at the doctor’s office yesterday and texted me that she’s tired of waiting.
I told her to…be patient.
I’m a new dad of a five-month old baby and I was quite proud of this moment.
I'm starting a business in airports selling bags with the faces of Sid James, Hattie Jacques, Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey and Joan Sims on them.
It'll be called "Carry On Baggage".
What is the opposite of isolate?
The CEOs of Miller, Bud, and Guinness walk into a bar
The bartender asks what they'd like.
The executive of Miller orders a Miller Lite, so the bartender gives it to him. The executive of Bud orders a Bud Light, and he's given one. The bartender looks at the CEO of Guinness, and he asks for a Coke. The bartender, bewildered, hands him the Coke and asks why he didn't order a Guinness. In reply, he said,
"I figured if those two weren't drinking beer, then neither would I!"
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
The Adventures of the Mathmagician (an educational and punny comic).
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
Did you know Bruce Lee had much less known younger brother? He never said much and stayed out of the public eye.
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
What's the opposite of ladyfinger?
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
Pun of the month, in a sense?
What is the hairiest side of a gorilla?
The other day my dog fell into a lake and was drowning. Then some German guy came out of nowhere and saved his life
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
What's the best time of day on a clock?
The ceiling is not my favourite part of the house.
But it's definitely up there...
Everyone gets the day off on the 4th of July. But not fire.
Your pupils are the last part of your body that stops working when you die.
They dilate.
I'm not a dad, this is not my joke.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too"
If James Hetfield officiated a wedding between Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.....
He would be the Pastor of Muppets
What was the name of Robin Hood's Dad?
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
What’s the internal temperature of a Ton Ton?
Would you walk hundreds of miles, climb a volcano and risk your life for the sake of saving the world?
The invention of the shovel was ground breaking..
But the invention of the broom really swept the nation
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
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