Light blue.
They're always winging it
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
"Wire you insulate"
And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"
This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.
(We're not grading for quality here, right?)
I broke my hand punching a curb.
But I can always count on it
First I find a hat full of money then I get chased by an angry dude with a guitar.
We live in A flat.
She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."
...so to stall, he asked the doctor if he preferred to start with the left testicle or the right, to which the doctor replied, I donβt think thereβs a vas deferens.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
Me trying to outsmart Dad: Adverb!
Dad: Proverb
..the horse was great, the car was a little buggy.
He's finally shown me his true colours.
But in Midevil times guys were named Lance a lot.
Light green
He lives a sedimentary lifestyle
...lately, he's been feeling down.
Their burgers are simply irresistible
They'll never date anyone under 7 feet.
I asked him:
If you pooped up into the air, would it be skyarrhea?
If you pooped after eating a pastry, would it be piearrhea?
If you pooped in the middle of the grocery store, would it aislearrhea?
If your poop was painful, would it be cryarrhea?
If you couldn't poop, would your friend ask you to just tryarrhea?
If you didn't actually have to poop, but said you did, would it be liearrhea?
If you were a scientist who had to take a poop, would it be Bill Nyearrhea?
If you pooped in an airplane, would it by flyarrhea?
If you pooped while working for a secret government agency, would it be spyarrhea?
They're always knocking on wood
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
Me: Iβm not David.
Doctor: I know. Iβm David.
But in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.
He trips on every metaphor he stumbles across
Because nice guys finnish last
Iβm closhtraphobic
I whispered in her ear "You're an ambulance"
You're in your prime and everything feels very odd
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
Nobody expects the Spa Niche Ink Physician.
I told him I put the "j" in jenius.
Manny Quinn
https://preview.redd.it/uc0ap47sqfl61.jpg?width=590&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=608cb4dca52bdcdd406b5d47d389d5355ab3d1ad
He said my behaviour was insulting.
First I find a hat full of money then I chased by some angry guy with a guitar!!!
In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot
