You can say that she was dead gorgeous.
That's because they're insects
And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.
sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment
A MIG-Jet
As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and even the gravy line.
He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. “What would you like to drink?” he asks.
“A glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed.
Sometimes there is no punch line.
Since then, the steaks have never been higher.
I'll even submit it to National Geographic, they'll give me a full-page spread.
I said, “Yes. I just paid $20 for a cheese sandwich.”
I said that it must be a "men hole"
"Is that so? What were the names of those otters?"
The suspect allegedly put a Happy Meal toy into his victim's hamburger, choking him to death. One detective turned to the other and said, "Boy, I'm not sure what to do with this one - I've never had a knicknack patty whack before."
I responded "maybe they're part of a hawk-y team!"
The light is beaming into my eyes. "Woah, it's so bright..", I remark.
"It's the future!"
"... What, Dad?"
"It's the future, Ermen, it's so bright!"
When he was put to death, his captors ground him up and baked him in the oven covered in gravy and mashed potatoes.
When questioned as to why such a cruel and unusual punishment was administered, they stated that this was the only way to correctly execute a shepherd spy.
I mean, what are the odds?
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
I used to have a black cat named Big Guy. When I left for college, he stayed with my parents. One day I got a call from my mom and she mentioned he was missing. They hadn't seen him in a week. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and would occasionally disappear for a few days, but a whole week was unusual.
Anyway, I was bummed. I was set to visit the next week and was looking forward to seeing my cat.
I flew home and... it was weird. Now they had two cats! Both black. And Big Guy was back! But... why two cats now?
So here's the dad part. My mom started to really miss him. My dad saw this and went to the local shelters to see if anyone turned him in. He said, "After the 3rd one, I pretty much gave up."
So then my mom said, "So your father got another cat he thought looked "close enough" and tried to convince me it was Big Guy. I said, 'Have you lost it? This cat is a GIRL!'"
Then Big Guy came home.
I've had to register them in three states.
They're considered cruel and unusual punishment in the other 47.
I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.
I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.
Because of the unusually high Mercury content.
I was arrested for speaking out of line. I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by our small town government, but despite that, my friends and I have pushed on, resisting our mistreatment and misery. But as you know, I was arrested. Surprisingly, I wasn't jailed or executed. I was beaten. They had us in a row, lines up facing our tormentors. The would-be executioners merely thrust their fists upon us. It was brutal. While there, I though to myself, "Huh, I guess this is the punchline."
Back when i got engaged in 2009, my now-wife and i went for a picnic. I had the engagement ring wrapped in tinfoil in the picnic bag.
When we were done eating, i took it out but didn't unwrap it, and then i sneakily dialed her cell number. This was a bit we would do every now and then (call each other in the same room) so it wasn't that unusual.
She picks up the phone and says, "oh hello, why are you calling?"
To which i respond, "Oh i just felt like... [Unwraps tinfoil] Giving you a ring"
"is that common?"
It's not unusual
Doctor: Sounds like you might have Tom Jones syndrome.
Me: Is it common?
Doctor: It’s not unusual.
The plot revolves around an MD whose patients all have unusual symptoms and need to be seen by a specialist.
Working title: REFER MADNESS
Because of the unusually high Mercury content.
Well, It's Not Unusual.
I'm starting a blog as a disabled writer consisting of anecdotal posts about the funny, but unusual circumstances my disability and wheelchair put me in. Any names that come to mind? Particularly fond of blogs titles like Laughing at My Nightmare and Bag Lady Moma. I'm in a wheelchair and have 24/7 care, my disability is Spinal Muscular Atrophy (SMA)... go as wild as you like
A cricket, and a tick.
He decides to start with the larger one, the cricket, and proceeds to put it under a microscope and carefully rip the dead insect apart writing down the results. Nothing unusual.
Moving on, he goes back to the delivery petri dish and notices the tick is missing.
He searches around for some time but the bugger is nowhere to be seen. Just before giving up he notices it crawling on his hand. Before the tick can bite him, he expertly grabs it and throws it under the microscope.
He turns it to the highest magnification and says to himself: "Let's see what makes you tick."
Because of the unusually high Mercury content.
McCoy says, "What is it, Jim?"
Kirk replies, "I can't stop singing 'Delilah' and 'The Green Green Grass of Home'. What's wrong with me?"
McCoy doesn't even stand up. "You've got 'Tom Jones Syndrome', Jim."
Kirk looks shaken, "Dear God. Is it rare?"
McCoy smiles, "It's not unusual."
I was an ER tech in a fairly busy inner city hospital for a few years. On one unusually slow night, around 3am, I called up to labor and delivery from an outside line. The conversation went like this:
"Labor and Delivery Nancy speaking"
"Hi I have an unusual problem and I am hoping you can help me."
"OK what can I do for you?"
"Well a couple weeks ago my wife and I had a baby boy who was born with an extremely rare condition. You see, he was born without eyelids."
"Oh my goodness!"
"Yes. Well at your hospital there they tried a new experimental treatment. They used the foreskin from his circumcision to create eyelids for him. Have you heard about this procedure?"
"OH MY GOD! No! I haven't!"
"Well everything was going great and he seemed to be healing well but when he woke up this morning, he looked a little cockeyed..."
"..........."
"COCKEYED!"
<click>
It has the biggest trunk I've ever seen.
( http://inhabitat.com/the-unusual-cedar-rocket-is-the-fastest-all-electric-log-car-in-the-world/ )
man: doc, i can't seem to get "green, green grass of home" out of my head.
doc: sounds like you have tom jones syndrome.
man: is it common?
doc: it's not unusual.
Today we were having lunch in a fancy restaurant for my cousin's birthday.
The conversation turned to which unusual animals people had eaten and what they tasted like. My cousin goes "I wonder what platypus tastes like, fish?"
Boyfriend: "I've heard platypus is great until you get the bill"
He is constantly saying shit like this... he can't help himself.
She was explaining to me that pregnancy causes her to do unusual things
Her: "I just do things that don't make sense. I put a knife in the fridge the other day."
Me: "You must have been craving cold cuts."
She was not amused.
It's not unusual.
