What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?

Tanks for that.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How much does the entire United States cost?

Nothing, because it's a free country

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xenonthewizlard
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A recent study of rocking chairs indicated that certain parts of the world do far less rocking than the United States while specific countries do...

Mo-roccan.

This joke provided by dads giving babies a bottle in a rocking chair early in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sneakymooseattack
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bee that is from the United States

A USB

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nobody492
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the Koala immigrate to the United States?

Because he wanted the right to bear arms.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theAchilliesHIV
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Was your waist the 16th president of the United States?

...cause those hips don’t lie

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/connolnp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
United States of BEE
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elthedorito
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?

Okay, Biden.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iwishidie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard

whoops wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPorky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Donald Trump is currently organizing pigeons against the united states government.

He's plotting a coo

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Got Dad joked in front of the Surgeon General of the United States today

So I'm at the promotion ceremony of my girlfriend's Dad today. He's being promoted to Assistant Surgeon General so it's a pretty big deal. He's giving his speech and he's acknowledging all the people who are in his life and have come today to celebrate with him. He says this with Surgeon General Murthy sitting behind him, "there are also two of my daughters boyfriends here with me, Mr other daughter's boyfriend, and Mr. Jack The_Baboons_Ass. Let me tell you something about the Mr. The_Baboons_Ass, if you don't know him, you don't know Jack." The Surgeon General looks on not knowing what too think while I'm cracking up. The Surgeon General then comes up to me after the ceremony and introduces himself, saying "Nice to meet you Jack, I guess I do know Jack now" and walks away

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_baboons_ass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2015
🚨︎ report
The United States Postal Service got jokes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenLeafGreg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...

To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thejohnblog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America. You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudemanandnewman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2017
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between the United States and United Kingdom

One word

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What was the 16th president of the United States told before the dinner party?

Ay bring ham, Lincoln.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keepscrollin-u
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...

The were The Ruff Riders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend tried to ride his horse from Maine to the Southwestern United States for a type of bean but was hit by an older Ford...

It was a pinto.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The United States is a cancer.

Its birthday is July 4th.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/conundrumbombs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I hear the United States is well stocked for a bird-of-prey flu epidemic...

There are plenty of ill eagle drugs for just such emergency.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
We need to add three more states to the United States of America

53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.

πŸ‘︎ 983
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Breakfast, brought to you by the 7th Secretary General of the United Nations.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ukuleleemusic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My office space is a cubicle, president of the United States has an oval.

Someone has been cutting corners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
🚨︎ report
In the United States, you’re American.

But in the bathroom, European.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RemarkableRyan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?

Black Friday

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justainsel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
If the United States annexed all of Canada and multiplied it’s area by two, what would you get?

WSA

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shortordercook
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming β€œMickey Mouse”!

When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked β€œWhy did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said β€œI was trying to say Donald Duck!”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GPyleFan11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Which branch of military is the most patriotic in the United States?

The Air Force, because they're US AF.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noir_Reaper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
President Trump has announced a ban on all shredded cheese in the United States.

In doing so he promises to Make America Grate Again.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain?

Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingdomgamer2019
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.

My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.

My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.

4yo: "I like your shirt mama!

Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?

4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"

πŸ‘︎ 902
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shade0217
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What comes after the USA?

USB

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lollipoop935
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
what do you call an air conditioning unit in the capital of the united states?

ACDC

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shredhead15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the longest name for a boy in the United States, but not in most other countries?

Miles.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
If someone ever throws something at the President of the United States during an important press conference with other world leaders, what should you scream?

DONALD DUCK!!!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
What was the 16th president of the United States told before a dinner party?

Ay, bring ham, Lincoln

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smithmonkey98
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
The United States Air Force is more than American...

It's USAF.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vaxis2113
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report

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