What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
How much does the entire United States cost?
Nothing, because it's a free country
A recent study of rocking chairs indicated that certain parts of the world do far less rocking than the United States while specific countries do...
Mo-roccan.
This joke provided by dads giving babies a bottle in a rocking chair early in the morning.
What do you call a bee that is from the United States
Why did the Koala immigrate to the United States?
Because he wanted the right to bear arms.
Was your waist the 16th president of the United States?
...cause those hips don’t lie
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
Donald Trump is currently organizing pigeons against the united states government.
Got Dad joked in front of the Surgeon General of the United States today
So I'm at the promotion ceremony of my girlfriend's Dad today. He's being promoted to Assistant Surgeon General so it's a pretty big deal. He's giving his speech and he's acknowledging all the people who are in his life and have come today to celebrate with him. He says this with Surgeon General Murthy sitting behind him, "there are also two of my daughters boyfriends here with me, Mr other daughter's boyfriend, and Mr. Jack The_Baboons_Ass. Let me tell you something about the Mr. The_Baboons_Ass, if you don't know him, you don't know Jack."
The Surgeon General looks on not knowing what too think while I'm cracking up. The Surgeon General then comes up to me after the ceremony and introduces himself, saying "Nice to meet you Jack, I guess I do know Jack now" and walks away
The United States Postal Service got jokes
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...
To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.
Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America. You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
What's the difference between the United States and United Kingdom
What was the 16th president of the United States told before the dinner party?
TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...
The were The Ruff Riders.
My friend tried to ride his horse from Maine to the Southwestern United States for a type of bean but was hit by an older Ford...
The United States is a cancer.
Its birthday is July 4th.
I hear the United States is well stocked for a bird-of-prey flu epidemic...
There are plenty of ill eagle drugs for just such emergency.
We need to add three more states to the United States of America
53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.
Breakfast, brought to you by the 7th Secretary General of the United Nations.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
My office space is a cubicle, president of the United States has an oval.
Someone has been cutting corners.
In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?
If the United States annexed all of Canada and multiplied it’s area by two, what would you get?
Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming “Mickey Mouse”!
When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked “Why did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said “I was trying to say Donald Duck!”
Which branch of military is the most patriotic in the United States?
The Air Force, because they're US AF.
President Trump has announced a ban on all shredded cheese in the United States.
In doing so he promises to Make America Grate Again.
Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain?
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
What comes after the USA?
what do you call an air conditioning unit in the capital of the united states?
What is the longest name for a boy in the United States, but not in most other countries?
If someone ever throws something at the President of the United States during an important press conference with other world leaders, what should you scream?
What was the 16th president of the United States told before a dinner party?
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?
The Air Force; they're US AF
The United States Air Force is more than American...
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