Twenty years ago, we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no cash, no jobs, and no hope.
It will be a very sad day when Kevin Bacon dies.
Every summer I get bit by one thousand and twenty four bugs.
My wife told me to get over it cause it was just one byte.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
The price of hot air balloons has really gone up over the past twenty years.
What do gnomes in their twenties do?
In my twenties, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Well, twenty-twenty's over...
I guess that means twenty-twenty won.
Twenty One Pilots are not a very successful band
They’re still fairly local
Last night I had a dream that I ate a twenty pound marshmallow.
I woke up this morning and my pillow was gone.
Which word has twenty-six letters?
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
My dad got sacked from the roads for stealing yesterday after twenty years.
I couldn't believe it at first but when I got home all the signs were there.
I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
A young emperor of Rome decreed that he would never turn twenty
He felt that he was a constant teen.
I’m gonna open a pho restaurant and keep it open 24/7 and name it “twenty-pho seven”
Has anyone here lost a bundle of twenty dollar bills?
Because we found the rubber band
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"
Bless him - He meant well
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
Thanks to my twenty twenty vision...
I can already see that next year is gonna be twenty twenty.
In my twenties, I was known for two things: Being single, and my awful handwriting.
I was the most illegible bachelor in town.
I bet twenty dollars that I could make a little horse joke, but I can't think of one.
I'm going to have to pony up.
Nineteen and Twenty got in a fight...
I just finished Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea - now I Nemo books to read.
Twenty-one is standing in a line...
Twenty-one is standing in a line, he's astonished that the person in front of him is the same guy behind him. He askes what their names are.
The person behind him says, " My name is Twenty."
The person in front of him says, " I'm Twenty two."
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
In my twenties, I used to live in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
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