Twenty years ago, we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope. Now we have no cash, no jobs, and no hope.

It will be a very sad day when Kevin Bacon dies.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Every summer I get bit by one thousand and twenty four bugs.

My wife told me to get over it cause it was just one byte.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaosDragoon89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The price of hot air balloons has really gone up over the past twenty years.

It's the inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dokutabiru
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What do gnomes in their twenties do?

Take elfies!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DecIsMuchJuvenile
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
In my twenties, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Well, twenty-twenty's over...

I guess that means twenty-twenty won.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Twenty One Pilots are not a very successful band

They’re still fairly local

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterPrize
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night I had a dream that I ate a twenty pound marshmallow.

I woke up this morning and my pillow was gone.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crank740
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Which word has twenty-six letters?

Alphabet

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3LTAK1L0
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?

That would be soda pressing.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoorHalfwayShut
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad got sacked from the roads for stealing yesterday after twenty years.

I couldn't believe it at first but when I got home all the signs were there.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1901pies
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Twenty Juan Pilots
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DasMajorFish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.

Very tired

πŸ‘︎ 167
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gorkraven
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were happy for twenty years

Then we met

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/euratowel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I just finished reading β€œTwenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”

The entire novel was a sub-plot.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
A young emperor of Rome decreed that he would never turn twenty

He felt that he was a constant teen.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uconnrob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m gonna open a pho restaurant and keep it open 24/7 and name it β€œtwenty-pho seven”
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheyennne_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Has anyone here lost a bundle of twenty dollar bills?

Because we found the rubber band

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/novaerbenn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"

Bless him - He meant well

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scobberlotcherz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms

And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.

If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Thanks to my twenty twenty vision...

I can already see that next year is gonna be twenty twenty.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlovenianHusky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
In my twenties, I was known for two things: Being single, and my awful handwriting.

I was the most illegible bachelor in town.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I bet twenty dollars that I could make a little horse joke, but I can't think of one.

I'm going to have to pony up.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLaziestofLids
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2016
🚨︎ report
Nineteen and Twenty got in a fight...

Twenty won.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Djentleman23
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
🚨︎ report
I just finished Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea - now I Nemo books to read.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Twenty-one is standing in a line...

Twenty-one is standing in a line, he's astonished that the person in front of him is the same guy behind him. He askes what their names are.

The person behind him says, " My name is Twenty." The person in front of him says, " I'm Twenty two."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jendood
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2016
🚨︎ report
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
In my twenties, I used to live in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/randomredditor512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report

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