Has a ring of truth to it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mister_Grins
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2022
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Grain Of Truth

My buddy will only eat white paddy-grown grains.

I'm beginning to think he's a riceist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PunboySlim
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2022
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I divorced my wife because she accused me of never telling the truth.

She said I have "all the honesty of an ancient Greek harp."

I don't like being called a lyre.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordFendleberry
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2022
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Some people think that a ministry of truth is a bad idea, but I don't. Because then nothing true will ever be...

[removed]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TOMapleLaughs
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2022
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To tell the truth, solid are the only state of matter I have a firm grasp on.

My understanding of gases is airy. And my opinions on liquids are wishy washy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PuddleOfMud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2021
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Which type of animal is sometimes encouraged not to tell the truth?

Dogs. Cos we let sleeping dogs lie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xiaodaireddit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2021
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The shocking truth of why 6 was afraid of 7 revealed here.

7 was a Registered 6 offender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/God_Smith82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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6 months and still no reply. They’re afraid of the truth
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kellyann59
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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We should have known this year was gonna suck. We were never gonna end the year as winners. The writing was on the wall. At the end of the year, we should have known we'd be facing the truth-

2021

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πŸ‘€︎ u/krigito
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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What do you call a place with lots of books but no truth?

A Liebrary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatpiyush
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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I wanted to get to the center of the strawberry that never told the truth...

So I went into the lie berry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorChipHazzard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2016
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A psychic said she could see my future by looking into a bowl of rice.

There was a grain of truth to everything she said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Masselein
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2022
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I made my 13 year old daughter laugh

She was looking at a chart of birthstones, and mentioned Alexandrite. I said, truthfully, that I have never heard of it. She said β€œIt’s kind of a purplish pinky.” I responded β€œI accidentally hit my hand with a hammer once and ended up with a purplish pinky.” She tried her best not to laugh, but couldn’t help it. Victory is mine!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrestigeWW1972
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2022
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10 Dad Cat Jokes

#10 Β  Why does a tiger tell the truth? Because he isn't a lion. Β #9Β  If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats! Β #8Β  Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark! Β #7Β  What is cleverer than a talking cat? A spelling bee! Β #6Β  What is a cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews! Β #5Β  Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens! Β #4Β  Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted. Β #3Β  What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss. Β #2Β  What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show! Β #1Β  What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big, furry creature that purrs while it sits on you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2022
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It's the holiday season, and you know what THAT means.

...but in case you don't:

that pronoun (1) \ ˈt͟hat , t͟hΙ™t
plural those\ ˈt͟hōz
Definition of that

(Entry 1 of 5) 1a : the person, thing, or idea indicated, mentioned, or understood from the situation that is my father b : the time, action, or event specified after that I went to bed c : the kind or thing specified as follows the purest water is that produced by distillation d : one or a group of the indicated kind that's a catβ€”quick and agile 2a : the one farther away or less immediately under observation or discussion those are maples and these are elms b : the former one 3a β€”used as a function word after and to indicate emphatic repetition of the idea expressed by a previous word or phrase he was helpful, and that to an unusual degree b β€”used as a function word immediately before or after a word group consisting of a verbal auxiliary or a form of the verb be preceded by there or a personal pronoun subject to indicate emphatic repetition of the idea expressed by a previous verb or predicate noun or predicate adjective is she capable? She is that

4a : the one : the thing : the kind : something, anything the truth of that which is true the senses are that whereby we experience the world what's that you say b those plural : some persons those who think the time has come

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSolarJetMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2021
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A newlywed couple was on vacation when they heard about a famous prophet who lived in the hills...

They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiousity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.

The old man was sitting in a chair, with casts on both legs. "What do you want from me?" the prophet called out. The couple then realized the source of the foul smell... It was the old seers breath! "He must never brush his teeth," they both thought.

Undaunted, they replied, "oh wise prophet, we are newly married and were told that you could read our future!"

The prophet answered, "Oh yes. Just like my hands are rough and hard from my many years living on the land, and my legs are so weak that they've broken just by stepping into my hut, so shall your lives together be! Rough, hard, weak, and broken! Now be gone!"

With that, they returned to their hotel. The concierge asked them how their visit with the prophet was. They told him they were pretty dissapointed and felt like he wasn't all he was cracked up to be. The wife especially was unimpressed. "He was uncaring, weatherbeaten, weak, and his breath stunk too!!!"

The concierge answered...

"Well, I guess thats what you get from the SuperCallousedFragileMysticVexedWithHalitosis!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thehumantim
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
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What do you call a highly ranked military official who occasionally drops little words of wisdom and helpful facts?

A colonel of truth!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CopsaLau
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2021
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Why are corny jokes the best?

Because they always contain a kernel of truth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThusSpokeGaba
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2021
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I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlJo27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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Got my wife with this one

First time post - I just had to share this.

After years of training my wife that my sons Xbox games can't always be paused instantly, she has at last got used to the idea and actually asks if it can be paused.

Her ( to son): Can you pause your game and give me some help ?

Son: Not right now, I'm in the middle of a level.

Her: Ok, let me know when you can pause it.

Me: Did you check he was telling the truth ?

Her: Why?

Me: Because it could be a case of pausable deniability.

Then..... I got that look...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekanate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CopsaLau
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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People ask why I make dad jokes despite not having any kids of my own.

The truth is, it's genetic. I actually come from a long line of dads spanning many generations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/13thmurder
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Mom and her son

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers, "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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My wife often complains that I'm a poor listener

But the truth is, I've a terrible sense of direction.

I always get lost in my thoughts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chennai_buzzer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Wait, does this apply to me??

I just realized an unfortunate truth about people who make puns.

Most of their jokes are homophonic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sconove1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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Lend me an ear for a corny joke.

It really a'maize'ing, because of how it pops. And at the end a kernel of truth. It's a grain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dukbrand
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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I can't believe my eyes

They have no sense of truth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sup-mr-stark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Some people think the Pittsburgh Steelers have a good starting QB in "Duck" Hodges

But the truth is, he puts the Steelers at risk of getting penalties all game long...

...Because on every play...

There's fowl on the field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dave89701
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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Dadjoked my wife and the nurse moments before my daughter was born

My wife and I welcomed our new daughter this week. The wife wanted some classic rock while she was pushing. We were all there, the doctor, the main nurse (with whom we were joking all day long) and a few other nurses. This was the moment of truth.

Suddenly, the Scorpions' "Rock you like a hurricane" comes on, and my wife exclaims: "This is exactly what I need to pump me up!! She is going to be a Scorpion!"

To which I replied "Actually, she'll be a Sagittarius"

The nurse looked at me surprised, cracked up, the wife rolled her eyes, and a few breaths later my daughter was born.

I have never been prouder to be a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mirkules
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2014
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Long one...

DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2ND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doogsie125
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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Bowl Puns

So I had to pack up a bowl at work today and while i was doing so i annoyed my coworkers with every bowl based pun i could think of

"Hey guys, if we put doritos in here would they have a BOWLder flavor"

"If i lost all my hair would I have gone BOWLD"

"we could fill this with rocks and call this a BOWLder"

"I really like the music of David BOWLie"

"we can slide this at some pins and call it BOWLing"

"what if we were sending this back to BOWLing green Kentucky"

"we can fill it with air and call it a BOWLoon"

"I'm just trying to fit in guys, all i wanna do is BOWLong"

"Of course i think you're telling the truth, i guess you can say I BOWLieve you"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skatrumpet07
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2016
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I just watched this wonderful and touching movie about a chef in Northern China.

Set in Northern China, this movie follows the rite of passage of a jaded, aimless Chinese chef who falls in love with a worn out cooking pan that he and his friends once scorned. The two develop a powerful and inspirational relationship in which they discover truths about cooking that take most people a lifetime to learn. It's called A Wok to Remember

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2016
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[META] A plea for real dad jokes.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
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Brainstorming food/movie theme nights. It es-kale-lated quickly. Only thing in my Bumble profile now.

When Harry Met Salad

What About Ke-Bob

Cumin to America

Weekend at Bearneaise II

Steakin I, II, & III

A Few Good Salmon

You’ve Got Kale

Shawshank Re-Dim Sum

Romancing the Scone

An Γ‰clair to Remember

Roman Hollandaise

Glazed and Confused

Bill & Ted’s Eggcellent Adventure

The Evil Bread

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp

Fondue the Right Thing

Ribeyes Wide Shut

Mignons

Plante of the Grapes

Spider Manchu

Sushis All That

A Wok to Remember

Marsala-la Land

Apocalypse Cow

Die Chard

Die Chard with a Vinaigrette

Hogan’s Gyros

The Sand Latkes

A League of their Macaroni

Revenge of the Curds

Rush S’More

Braising Arizona

Demolition Ham

10 Things I hate About Ewe

Saladin

Oliver and Com-penne

Dirty Rotten Chanterelles

Sex and the Satay

The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs

Morella Enchanted

Provolone Together

Clear and Pheasant Danger

The Big Chili

LΓ©mon: The Professional

Ava-Tartare

Hocous Pocous

High Fi-Deli Meat

Madagascargot

The Fifth Elementos

Muensters Inc.

There’s Something About Rosemary

I Am Ham

Quiche Lorraine Man

Barley & Me

Lentil Giants

Peggy SoufflΓ© Got Married

Face Stroganoff

Con GruyΓ©re

Fast Times at Porridgemont High

Bok Choys in the Hood

Papillonion

Requinoa for a Dream

Serial Cardamom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kat_fogg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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Where do you put your mystical cards?

In the tarot bowl. A threatening bovine on one of these cards is the terror bull. The cards are made out of paper, so they're tearable. When you take the cards out of the bowl, the bowl is now tare-able. But truth be told, this long pun is terrible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zizmax_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2013
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People always say I'm wasting my time telling bee jokes...

But the truth is, bee comedians make a pheromone of money.

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πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
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Three Types of Liars

A good liar believes her lie as she tells it.

A mediocre liar believes something, as she talks, and pretends that her words correspond to that something.

A bad liar thinks of the truth as she lies against it.


X-post from /r/OCPoetry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justonium
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2016
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Bear Hands

I'm proud of this one...

My family was visiting friends for a night of Monopoly. We ended a game and were setting up for another when I got up to get a beer for myself and my buddy. We prefer Dos, which doesn't twist off, so I had to use a bottle opener. Enter my 9 year old . . .

"Dad, why don't you use your bare hands to open that bottle?"

He looked up at me with eyes that sought answers and basic truths, not knowing what was about to hit him. I almost felt bad, while trying to hold back a smile, knowing what I was about to say.

"Because I don't have bear hands", followed by the most dad-like laughter possible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/triplers120
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
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everything is closed on thanksgiving!

First off, I'm new here. I've only been a dad for a few years but, I'm not sure i'll ever be able to top this and the circumstances of the set up were so chance and specific, I will never be able to use this again. This is what inspired me to seek you out and tell my story.

So, like most thanksgivings, we went to a relatives house and had very large but unusually early dinner. We went home and by nine or ten o'clock we had the little one off to sleep and my wife and I were getting hungry and wanted something simple. She asked for fast food and I was willing to oblige.

I drove to Taco Bell and it was closed. I called my wife, "sorry Taco Bell is closed. What do you want from BK?". I then drove to BK and discovered it was also closed. Called the wife "Sorry honey, BK is closed. What do you want from McDonald's?". You might see were this is going and, if you haven't already guessed it, Micky D's was closed too."Ok, I'm just going to the gas station. What do you want?" She asked for cheddar fries and I was willing to oblige. Got in side, no cheddar fries! I grab her funyuns. She like funyuns, it will be fine. As a joke (not the one we are leading up to) I called her on my way home and told her the gas station was closed too.

I got home, told her the truth about the gas station and gave her the back up back up back up back up back up plan bag of funyuns. She joked around about the number of times I had failed her in one outing (keep in mind, I had been giving her a hard time through this whole event) and then asked me for a soda from the fridge. So is This when the magic happened. I was opening the fridge when the gravity of the situation and what was at stake here suddenly struck me. I closed the fridge, got out a glass and filled it with water. I brought it back to her in the living room. She says "why did you bring me water?"

THE FRIDGE WAS CLOSED!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/La_Guy_Person
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2015
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Made a dad joke on Facebook. My dad friend mercilessly shows me how it's done

My status: Any tips on how to keep raccoons from eating my corn crop? I'm all ears. But seriously raccoons are assholes.

Dad friend responds back to back.

"There's a kernel of truth to that statement!"

"But shucks, poor guys can't help it."

"Maybe get your dog to start stalking them."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Old_Army90
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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Something a bit cheesy

As I stare at the cheese aisle, I'm trying to decide what looks Gouda for my Munster appetiteβ€” each cheese goating me to choose it. The truth is, I don't know Jack about cheese selection. But then I realize I Havarti made my choice. I'll go with cheddar, because it has Provolone-standing favorite of mine. Now I better stop this Brie-fore it gets too cheesy.

True storyβ€”happened today. Hardy har harlsberg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CleverWordPlay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2012
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My father on modern art

My parents visited me last weekend. Short on ideas, we decided to hit up a widely-respected art museum. They had some new exhibitions, some of which were a little outside our personal tastes and expectations.

We walked into a photography exhibit and saw, along one wall, a sheet of green. This sheet of green was a little higher and taller than the average door, and stretched all the way down that bit of wall plus a few feet onto the floor.

"Oh," I said, "a green screen. That's kind of a neat little thing to have here. Sort of an homage to that style of film, I guess?"

Little did I know. In hindsight, I don't know why I expected anything different.

My father and I approached the plaque beside it. There we learned the truth: This was not a green screen. No. No, this was a specially printed photograph.

A photograph... of a green screen.

There we stood, astonished at the audacity of the thing before us. "My God," I said aloud, "This, right here, this is something else. This is just plain genius. Can you imagine getting money for something like this? Why didn't we come up with this? This is gold!"

To which my dad simply responded, "No, son...

... it's green."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Habefiet
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2016
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Lying Cookies

Friend: "My fortune cookie told me I'd have a good month."

Me: "Well, it's a cookie, so I suppose it was being truthful."

Friend: "Yeah, I've never heard of a lying cookie."

Me: "Unless it was a Fib Newton."

[mic drop]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/princeimrahil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2015
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