A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
A man took a bullet to the face in a shooting last week. If anyone has any information please call city police.
The only thing they have to go on is the mug shot.
I got to meet the tallest man in the world last week.
I was disappointed by how he looked down on everyone else.
A man is being taken to the gallows for his execution. The executioner asked if he had any last requests, and he asked for a high five.
The executioner left him hanging.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
As the man of the house, I always have the last word when my wife and I disagree about what to do.
Usually it's something like "yes dear."
Got talking to a very cool old man. After finding out he was from England, a World War Two vet and has spent the last thirty two years in the states I had to ask..
Me: so what brought you to the states?
Him: An airplane.
A Russian man was killed last May when his wife sat on his face during an argument.
He died of ass-phyxiation.
A man who is about to be executed is asked if he has any last words . . .
And he replies, “Yea, just three.”
An outdoor neighborhood cat was hiding in some bushes while I was hedge trimming. Didn't see him and clipped his tail clean off. I panicked and grabbed the cat and his tail rushing to my car and drove like a mad man to Walmart. The greeter was puzzled and asked why I brought the cat.
"Because you're the largest re-tailer in the world!"
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
A man went to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach
His condition is stable now
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
I arrested the man who proposed to my daughter.
He committed a fell-on-knee.
I took my family to the zoo last weekend, but all they had were dogs!
What's the difference between Iron Man & Aluminum Man?
Iron Man stops the bad guy, Aluminum Man foils their plans.
The man who invented the Ferris wheel desperately wanted to meet the person who invented the Merry Go Round.
Unfortunately they travelled in different circles.
I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a baseball bat.
I said, “Oi, what’s your game?”
What's the last thing to go through the mind of a fly when it hits a windscreen?
A man goes to a library and asks for books on paranoia
The librarian whispers "They're right behind you."
A rather distraught man walked up to me in the park.
"Hello mister," he said, "you wouldn't have seen my wife's dog running by, would you? Big fat thing with pointy ears and a slobbery mouth."
"Can't say I have," I replied. "And your wife sounds very ugly."
What last name belongs to a man who is annoying and inherited a lot of money?
The man who invented auto correct has died.
His funfair is on sundial at moon.
Back in the 90s,there was a man stealing tyres from police cars belonging to my precinct.
We had to work tirelessly to find the culprit.
What did the chemist tell the man who tried to steal his chemicals?
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and is floating in the ocean?
Did you hear about the man who invented the door knocker?
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
Woke up last night to a commotion coming from the refrigerator...
I opened it and Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg started blasting out of it. I asked my wife, "Did you buy some green onions today?"
"Yeah," she said. "Why?"
"I think you picked up a couple of rapscallions."
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
A young man was hunting a bull. He fired his bow, but the arrow landed a few feet to the left of the bull and it escaped.
I was rushed to the ER last night after I swallowed 8 plastic horses.
They said my condition is stable.
"I must say, you are the better than every other applicant we've spoken to so far," said the man at the end of my interview.
"Thanks," I smiled, leaving the room.
Then he poked his head out of the door and said, "OK, would the second candidate like to come in?"
Have you heard of the man addicted to drinking brake fluid?
Says he can stop anytime!
A man goes to the hospital where his dad is hospitalized.
The nurse says, "I am sorry sir your Dad is pronounced dead.
The man says, " I can't believe I have been pronouncing it wrong the whole time.
This is the last thing I need
Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied?
After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up man, it could be worse. You could stuck underground in a hole full of water
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:
Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: “Thanks that means a lot.”
And another:
Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain."
The widow replies: “Thanks that means a great deal.”
What did the man say to the woman he liked who had bladder problems?
For a holiday last year, my father took us to a narrow inlet in the ocean, where we had a good time...
A man wearing scrubs walks into the room of a woman about to give birth
A man wearing scrubs walks into the room of a woman about to give birth.
The woman asks: "Are you the nurse or the doctor?"
The man replies: "I'm the delivery guy."
The Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial cooker.
Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.
On my last day of vacation, I said goodbye to the ocean...
I've been trying to lose weight lately. I spent the last hour running around the cemetery but I had to stop because my arm and chest were really hurting...
I'm feeling dead tired now, I really hope they have a good resting place.
Today, I offered my seat to a blind man.
And that is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
What time did the man go to the dentist?
I was tying my wife to the bed last night for sexy time. I was having trouble getting the rope tied so she started to tease me. I said "can you not!"
She responded: idk, can you knot?
I've never been more proud to be married to her.
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
Why is the second to last pen always the best one in the box?
Because it's the penultimate
Which part of your body is the last thing to die?
What’s the difference between a sharply dressed man on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
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