I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 307
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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I recently watched "Nosferatu" for the first time. Interesting. Now, I'm checking out "Nosfera 2: New Berlin-ings".
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stumpjungle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!

Multi-level marketing

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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Now is definitely not the right time to start surrounding yourself with positive people.
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_simplepotato_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Now is the best time to buy a pet bird.

I hear they are going cheep.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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I had a joke about grocery stores but now is not the right time to tell it

I think aisle tell it later

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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Our time is now ...
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/punteas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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Now is not the time

To surround yourself with positive people

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaxxonn26
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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Now that I have more time, I’ve decided to take care of my health and eat a more balanced diet.

I haven’t dropped any food so far!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StCecilia98
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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That’s it, I’ve observed long enough!! Now it’s time to take:
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Good_Alibi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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I've called Bloody Mary three times now

I think she's ghosting me

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Indiguu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
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BREAKING NEWS: People are now smoking marijuana in record numbers, reaching an all time high.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeepguy797
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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My kid has a toy set of different biblical characters, but one started talking and now it condescendingly corrects me all the time...

...what a little Noah doll.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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My weird boss has assigned designated bathroom times for each employee, and now it’s my turn.

I don’t need this shit.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaBacLeis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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I told my wife that I'm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She asked, "Where will you find the time?"

I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sint__Maarten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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Some guy destroyed my saltwater aquarium, so now we hang out all the time.

The enemy of my anemone is my friend.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrabClawAngry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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My Dad carried this in his wallet for years. I used to roll my eyes every time he pulled it out, but now the memory always makes me smile. mindwerx.com/files/imagec…
πŸ‘︎ 877
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pups_the_Jew
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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My wristwatch broke, so I put it on my belt - now it's just a waist of time.
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLe99
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2017
🚨︎ report
I've stuck my foot in my mouth so many times I should have a sole by now..

But my insides are still bare.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReclusiveHarlot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2016
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My wife is due with our first baby any time now and she made a poll to have the family guess when she would go into labor. Hilarity ensued.
πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pyramids_of_Gold
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
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Now that I'm getting older, I'm not as sharp all the time as I used to be.

But since I'm a professional musician, my colleagues all seem to appreciate it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arksien
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
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Now that is 2017 it's high time that I said this.

This.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timotab
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
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Shore I was having a whale of a time but now I'm just fishing for compliments. imgur.com/cWnWoW0
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WeMoveMountains
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
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I spent too much time studying math in the sun the other day and now I have -atan line imgur.com/tXs1V
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jetpacktuxedo
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2012
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I use this one every time my wife and I go to the movies. I now gift it to you.

This is my favorite stupid joke to use out at the movies. Every movie. Action, drama, comedy, whatever.

Movie ends. Credits roll. People start getting up.
I turn to my wife and say, "Wanna stick around and see if (character) joins The Avengers?"

It works with everything.
After Moana: "Wanna stick around and see if Maui joins the Avengers?"
After Baby Driver: "Wanna stick around and see if Baby joins the Avengers?"

Even works for villians. Why not?
After Deepwater Horizon: "Wanna stick around and see if the oil joins the Avengers?"

I guarantee you eyerolls aplenty. Use it in good health.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamHR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
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I'm a dad now, and I have a nine month old daughter. When I put her in her 12 hour diaper for the night, I say: "It's time to put on your night diaper...

...like Sir Lancelot wore when he was a baby."

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lendrick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
🚨︎ report
This sub is great and all but I have wanted to say this for a long time now....

This.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alfie_13
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
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I heard "Zombie" played 6 times today and now it's in my head...

In maaaaaa heeeeaaad, in my heeeaaaaaaddd, zombie, zombie...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothepropellor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend and I have been playing this game for a while now and it makes us laugh every time. Here are some of my faves so far. Feel free to add your own!

What kind of underwear does Zeus wear?

..............Thunderwear!

What kind of underwear does a pirate wear?

.............plunderwear!

What kind of underwear does the NRA wear?

...............gunderwear!

What kind of underwear does a tyrannical leader wear?

............Attila the Hunderwear!

What kind of underwear does a Spanish person wear?

...............Juanderwear?

can you think of some more? :)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdayle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
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Every damn time, even now that I'm older.

So as a kid, I was super clumsy. I could barely take two steps without falling down. And every time, I scraped my knee. I would get up crying and find my dad And every time, the conversation went like this:

Me: Dad I hurt my knee.

Dad: Your high knee or your low knee?

Edit: Hiney (sounds like high knee) is another name for a butt. You know it's a dad joke when you have to explain it....

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pokesaurusrex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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It wasn't a joke at the time, but it makes me laugh now.

As toddlers/youngins whenever we'd fall down and start to cry, my dad would be like "OHMYGOSH HOLYCRAP oh NOOO!! The floor!!!? Did you hurt the floor???" And we'd be shocked into forgetting we'd just fallen (and gotten scared-hurt)

It was hilarious seeing younger siblings do this- to go from traumatized and in desperate pain to stunned in about half a second... guppy faces and wide eyes like- 'oh no! I'm not the victim here at all, am I?' Maybe you'd have to see it to understand. Surprisingly, it really did make everything stop hurting.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/in-site
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Met the Manager for the first time, gave him a dad joke, now I'm the favorite

BACK STORY:
So I got a new job through one of my good friends, and while working with him I shook hands with my boss Chad, awesome guy. As we were making small talk I was stuttering a bit, and my good friend, Neil, loves messing with me about it.
Me: Yeah, that sounds g-g-great
Neil: T-T-TODAY JUNIOR, jeez can your mouth ever talk straight?
Chad: Hey it's legal now so if his mouth wants that, it's none of my business and more power to him.
Me: But my mouth is bi
Neil:Bi what?
Me: Bi my nose

Chad laughed hard, this will be a great job. More dad jokes to come, I'm sure

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SendMeASmile
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2015
🚨︎ report
If you measure the length of your thumb, you now have a consistent measuring tool with you at all times.

In other words, a consistent rule of thumb.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sykilik101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad has been telling this since I was 5 (now I'm 22) still laughs every time

Why does a crow never get hit on the side of the road?

There is always one on the other side saying "CAH CAH!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jana_byrd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
🚨︎ report
I say it all the time now

Whenever someone would be leaving and say "I'll be right back." he would say "Don't threaten us!".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WEIGHED
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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Every time I tell him. I should have learned by now.

Me: My toes are cold. Dad: Put 'em in your pockets!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/topbunkbitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Every time, I'm 24 now. Uncle jokes.

Me: Hey Uncle Brandon I have a question.

Uncle Brandon: Okay niece Etcetera_and_soforth I have an answer.

I'm still walking in to that one.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss only allows bathroom breaks at designated times, and it is my turn to go now.

I don’t need this shit.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report

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