What did the German commander say to the ticking clock?

Ve haf vays and means of making you tock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Harkonan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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What did the tick say to the clock

what are you tocking about

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlastBroFrenzyMan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Have you ever tried eating a clock?

It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.

That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrfantastic123r
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?

Time will tell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2xj59ae
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex...

They are his watch dogs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
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cant believe they fired me from the clock factory... with all those extra hours I put in...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothepropellor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
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Finally, they are making a movie about clocks!

It's about time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itslqb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2017
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Yesterday I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming.

Especially when I went back for seconds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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Wife: "Oh, wow. I didn't know there was a watch museum here. Why have we never been?"

Me: "I guess we've just never had the time."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurtleTurtleDuck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2016
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At the gym this morning

It's a college rec center with a 20 something woman at the counter. Four of us waiting for the official 5:30 am opening.

When the clock ticks 5:30, the woman at the counter to scan us in says "I can take you guys"

Without hesitation I replied "Its four against one. Those are tough odds"

I hung my head as I realized that's a joke I heard my dad say when I was a kid. It made him proud when I told him this story.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
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I went to the dentist and was so bored...

I decided to eat his wall clock to see if I could pass the time. It was rather time consuming. At first I was going to just eat the hours away, but I was still hungry afterwards so I went back for seconds. My doctor didn't notice at first, but when he used the stethoscope on me, he heard it - he was ticked off. He tocked to me and said that eating clocks is actually slightly dangerous, but the dangers are *minute.*Afterwards, I did more research on timekeeping devices and became clockwise. Sundial.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
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Grand dad joke.

My grandpa would always tell me this story about his uncles in WWII. "My uncle was actually captured by the Germans and kept in a pow camp. They would try to break the prisoners spirit by making them to mindless things. One in particular they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, 'tick tock tick tock.' My uncle was always a wise guy so he would rebel in the simplest way. He would only go, 'tick tick tick.' One day the guard finally caught him and said, 'don't vorry. Ve have vays of making you tock.'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfdancer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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Friend: "For those of you who went camping, don't forget to check for ticks"

Me: "Don't let them stay on for too long; the clock is ticking"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/witz33
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2016
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Tired clock

Did you hear about the clock that was tired of saying tick tock so it changed tac-tic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marcizz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
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Morning after a party at my friends place, one friend had trouble sleeping.

My friend had trouble sleeping because a clock kept ticking loudly near him all night, so when he told us that I responded "I bet that really Ticked You off."

I was promptly told to leave the premises and not come back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dorminder
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2014
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My 5 year old got my wife and I Christmas morning.

Alarm clock is across the room from the bed

Son: Wake up it's time for presents.

Me still asleep: Son, what does the clock say?

Son: Tick tock tick tock...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spectre577
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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My Dad's favorite joke...

A man in Switzerland is trying to get his grandfather clock fixed, and brings it into a clock shop.

The clock shop attendant asks the man "What seems to be the trouble?"

"Well, the clock tells time just fine. However, as you can hear, it ticks... But doesn't tock."

"Hmm, I think our Horologist will need to take a look at your clock. Please bring it into the back."

So the man wheels his clock into the back room, and there is an old, balding man, wearing a lab coat and thick horn rimmed glasses. He asks the man in a thick German accent "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well, you see, this clock ticks, but it doesn't tock."

"I see," says the horologist. He turns on a single light bulb, and turns off the lights to the room, and pulls out some pliers from his labcoat, and says, in his thick German accent...

"We have ways of making you tock."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phaseMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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I'll be a great dad

[scene: me talking to my girlfriend on Skype]

Her: Is there a clock nearby? I can hear the tick-talking.

Me: Well what is it saying?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b1hiker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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