once, twice, three times a taylor
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theswansays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm not an alcoholic. In fact, there's only three times I ever drink.

Before work, during work, and after work.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2021
🚨︎ report
"Fool me once - I'm mad. Fool me twice - How could you? Fool me three times - You're officially that guy, okay?"
πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Retroman_86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 317
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve waited five days and tried three times to post, Two men walk into a bar

Third one ducks

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.

He said β€œoh, you want the Snyder Cut”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad: Can you tell me a sensible sentence that uses the word 'because', three times, consecutively?

Me: Not today, Dad.

My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face

I use because, because, because is a conjunction.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yours_petpeeve
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Once upon a time in numberland, a three-person race was held

In it took part the Minus sign, and the numbers zero and -2. All three ended the race at precisely the same time.

-2, Minus Won; 0 Won Too.

(Reddit, I am counting on you to make this stupid joke popular!)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.

I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?

To prevent bat breath.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.

He really whiffed hard.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yawyaw42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I've called Bloody Mary three times now

I think she's ghosting me

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Indiguu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
An old woman goes to see the doctor. "I'm very gassy, but fortunately my farts are quiet and don't smell. In fact, I've farted three times since you came in, but know you haven't noticed at all."

The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.

A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"

The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
So there are three female wizards assigned to protect three Rolex time pieces. My only question?

Which witch would watch which watch?

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JHPSwitzer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I've moved three times in six months.

I'm developing an apartment complex.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bdazz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time I leave work early to surprise my wife, she always greets me with these three special words.

Were you fired?

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you get when Hitler doesn't lie, then lies once, then again, then two more times, then three times, then five, then eight, then thirteen times?

A fibber Nazi sequence.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dragondorkdad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...

The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I dare you to to say it three times
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oddlee_enough
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I got booted off stage at a Karaoke bar. I was trying to sing 'Danger Zone' from that Top Gun movie. I forgot the lyrics three times.

They said I exceeded my Loggins attempts.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slartibartfastBB
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What can shave your face and travel at three times the speed of sound?

Mach3.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/biryanisalan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I was talking to a guy at work. The conversation got around to wives, and he said he had been widowed three times. I said "Three wives, all dead and buried?" He said "Yes."

"What happened to the first one?" "Poison Mushrooms." "What happened to the second one?" "Poison Mushrooms." "And the third?" "Fractured skull." "How did that happen?" "She wouldn't eat the bloody poison mushrooms."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordDobbington
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
🚨︎ report
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times,

does he become disoriented?

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Too_MuchWhiskey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Just got kicked out of karaoke for singing Danger Zone three times in a row ...

... they said it was too many Loggins attempts.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hlipschitz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2015
🚨︎ report
After my baby woke up crying three times last night, I sent her to jail.

Really, I had no choice. She was resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bill_of_Wrongs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2014
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?

To prevent bat breath!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?

To prevent bat breath!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Three times is one two many
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nikhilbhavsar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.