Why does it take a Veteran three times to mute the television?
Every time they push the button on the remote they think Sound Off, one two, Sound Off, three four, Sound Off one two three four, one two, three FOUR.
(Army Veteran here, no disrespect intended fellow brothers and sisters.)
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︎ Mar 27 2021
Iβve waited five days and tried three times to post, Two men walk into a bar
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︎ Feb 25 2021
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
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︎ Nov 24 2020
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.
He said βoh, you want the Snyder Cutβ.
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︎ Dec 30 2020
My Dad: Can you tell me a sensible sentence that uses the word 'because', three times, consecutively?
Me: Not today, Dad.
My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face
I use because, because, because is a conjunction.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Once upon a time in numberland, a three-person race was held
In it took part the Minus sign, and the numbers zero and -2. All three ended the race at precisely the same time.
-2, Minus Won; 0 Won Too.
(Reddit, I am counting on you to make this stupid joke popular!)
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︎ Oct 18 2020
I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.
I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he wonβt do that.
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︎ Nov 08 2020
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
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︎ Aug 23 2020
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldnβt stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
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︎ Aug 24 2020
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.
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︎ Jun 15 2020
An old woman goes to see the doctor. "I'm very gassy, but fortunately my farts are quiet and don't smell. In fact, I've farted three times since you came in, but know you haven't noticed at all."
The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.
A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"
The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"
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︎ Apr 16 2020
I've called Bloody Mary three times now
I think she's ghosting me
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︎ Oct 01 2019
So there are three female wizards assigned to protect three Rolex time pieces. My only question?
Which witch would watch which watch?
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︎ Jan 18 2019
I've moved three times in six months.
I'm developing an apartment complex.
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︎ Oct 24 2019
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...
The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
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︎ Oct 03 2019
What do you get when Hitler doesn't lie, then lies once, then again, then two more times, then three times, then five, then eight, then thirteen times?
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︎ Oct 30 2018
Every time I leave work early to surprise my wife, she always greets me with these three special words.
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︎ Aug 13 2018
"This is the seventh time in three years that you are appearing in front of me," said the judge, "What do you have to say for yourself?" "But your honor," came the reply,
"It's surely not my fault that you haven't been promoted."
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︎ Aug 28 2019
I dare you to to say it three times
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︎ Dec 02 2018
I got booted off stage at a Karaoke bar. I was trying to sing 'Danger Zone' from that Top Gun movie. I forgot the lyrics three times.
They said I exceeded my Loggins attempts.
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︎ May 06 2019
I was talking to a guy at work. The conversation got around to wives, and he said he had been widowed three times. I said "Three wives, all dead and buried?" He said "Yes."
"What happened to the first one?"
"Poison Mushrooms."
"What happened to the second one?"
"Poison Mushrooms."
"And the third?"
"Fractured skull."
"How did that happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the bloody poison mushrooms."
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︎ Mar 25 2018
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times,
does he become disoriented?
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︎ Nov 28 2016
Just got kicked out of karaoke for singing Danger Zone three times in a row ...
... they said it was too many Loggins attempts.
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︎ Oct 13 2015
After my baby woke up crying three times last night, I sent her to jail.
Really, I had no choice. She was resisting a rest.
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︎ Jul 10 2014
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
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︎ Mar 01 2020
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
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︎ Jul 20 2020
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
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︎ Aug 05 2020
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
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︎ Oct 28 2019
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
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︎ Oct 24 2019
Three times is one two many
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︎ Jun 22 2018
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