Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..
..that I can pull it off.
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Just told my wife this one after she said she was fat, I'm in trouble
Wife : "I feel fat, do you still love me?"
Me : "I'll love you thru Thikk and thin"
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︎ Apr 04 2021
THIS JUST IN: A man is still in critical condition after swallowing $100,000 in large bills.
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︎ Mar 17 2021
My Dad just said this one in the drive-thru not 2 minutes ago
First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')
My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"
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︎ Nov 16 2020
Iβm a proud dad. My daughter just told me this joke. In Hawaii, do people laugh loud?
Or is it a low ha (Aloha)
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I was in the garden last night and to my surprise there was this huge UFO, just hovering....
So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....
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︎ Feb 04 2021
This just in: 2 robbers just hijacked a truck delivering a supply of viagra.
Everyone be on the lookout for 2 hardened criminals.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...
...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I just thought of this today as I was driving... Iβm sorry in advance π I saw this sign the other day, and it had rounded edges
It was kinda pointless...
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︎ Dec 22 2020
This just in: 2 men broke into the city bank using nothing more than a few mannequin limbs.
Officials say we are dealing with an armed robbery
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︎ Oct 14 2020
I just logged in and found this.
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︎ Sep 15 2020
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture... I told her Iβm just looking for matches.
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︎ Jul 13 2019
A friend just told me about this documentary on burnout in the pagan community...
it's called "The Bleh Witch Project"
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︎ Sep 05 2020
On top of everything else going on this year, I just got ketchup in my eye.
Now I have 2020 Heinzsight.
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︎ Sep 03 2020
I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldnβt get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
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︎ Aug 01 2020
I just wanted to leave a few dad jokes if that's okay with all dads in this subreddit....
1.bI refused to believe my dad was fired as a road worker for theft
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
- Yesterday, I was fired from a keyboard factory
Apparently, I wasn't putting enough shifts.
- My friends bet me $50 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on their face when I drove pasta.
- The price of a slice of an apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in Bahamas
These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
- "Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addicts group", a man said.
"Btw I have to say I'm very disappointed to see only a few new faces this week."
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︎ Aug 26 2020
Such a classic and unoriginal, but my dad just slipped this in a conversation.
I had a cold and my dad asked if my nose was running.
I said yes.
He said, You had better catch it then
I love my dad
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︎ Aug 09 2020
Just in case you haven't seen this before.
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︎ May 08 2020
I going to post this just in case
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︎ Dec 04 2019
have you guys ever wanted to have sex with a journalist just to say "this just in"?
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︎ Apr 20 2020
Hi, I'm Poseidon. Just had to share this. I'm so proud of my boy. He's already working on his Christmas cards for this year, and I walked by and noticed what he was writing in each one.
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︎ Jul 26 2020
Lights out lying in bed. My wife just made this up: Which jokes are historians allergic to?
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︎ Jul 19 2020
Just found this gem in the Sims 4...
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︎ Feb 02 2020
Just got the Father-in-law with this one... Me: At Disney World parades they keep people in line with masking tape on the ground.
Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it?
Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.
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︎ Jan 18 2020
I'm gonna post this just in case
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︎ Dec 01 2019
I just thought of this from all the b-day greetings i got in facebook today
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︎ Oct 15 2019
Ya know, I saw superhero on the street once, he was in line for a hotdog, read this guys mind and saw that his head was in the clouds, and he just pushed in front of him!
If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.
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︎ Feb 18 2020
News anchor: This just in. Polaroid cameras are coming back in fashion.
More on this as it develops...
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︎ Aug 31 2019
I just don't feel like I click with others in this sub
I'm always doing it by myself. Since you're here, you probably do too :P
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︎ Feb 04 2020
This just in: Scientists have turned back time.
They discovered the word "emit."
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︎ Dec 26 2019
Told my best man to hold this just in case
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︎ Jul 20 2019
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
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︎ Apr 24 2019
There's this guy who's been staying in one spot at the park for days without sitting or laying. People are calling him super amazing. I personally just think..
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︎ Sep 13 2019
I wanted to post this just in case
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︎ Mar 19 2019
I'll just let this sink in.
http://imgur.com/t0iHkD0
Edit: I got gold for making someone groan. Thank you so much, I'm now much more motivated to impregnate a woman so I can unleash my terrible jokes on the fruit of my loins.
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︎ Aug 10 2015
Just ate this, now i get butterflies in my stomach (is it how you use it idk im bad at English)
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︎ Mar 10 2019
This preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven.
He says to the guy in front of him, βHey, what did you do in your life?β
The guy says, βI was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasnβt nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.β
The preacher says, βI was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.β
Finally, itβs the bus driverβs turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven.
The preacher walks up to God.
God says, βWhat kind of things did you do in your life?β
βWell, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?β
βI donβt know,β says God.
βWhat? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?β
God says, βWhen you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.β
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︎ Sep 15 2019
How did I get into computer software? I was very confused about what to do in university, so I asked my dad... He was wearing a Nike tshirt, and he answered me by pointing at his chest, where this was written: Just do IT.
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︎ Jul 13 2019
My Dad literally just came out with this in the car...
I was explaining the interesting L-glucose thing I saw on Reddit t'other day to my diabetic father.
Dad: oh, so it's Spanish glucose then?
He thought it was great.
Edit: TIL I am a neckbeard-Yorkshireman with a Dad who literally bats for 't'other side' - for anyone still in the dark,"t'other" is contraction of "the other" commonly heard in NE England; it is commonly used elsewhere as a lighthearted/bucolic affectation.
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︎ Apr 17 2014
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
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︎ Apr 02 2019
Iβm currently in Montreal, Canada and just found this place across the street. I wonder if they serve Russian style poutines?
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︎ May 16 2019
I'm in the middle of developing a new game. This guy came to life today and I just love his character so much!
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︎ Jan 30 2019
This just happened in r/gaming
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︎ Feb 04 2019
Admittedly, being in this sub makes me pretty uncomfortable. Maybe Iβm just out of my depth.
https://imgur.com/gallery/yr8skve
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︎ May 04 2019
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︎ Nov 28 2013
I wanted to post this just in case.
https://imgur.com/xe8hW4t
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︎ Mar 21 2019
(Dad told me this one just now) In Jamaica, a slice of apple pie costs $2. In the Bahamas, a slice costs of apple pie costs $2.50...
Those are the pie-rates of the Carribean!
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︎ Jun 19 2019
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