Once again I've entered the annual tightest hat competition in our town, this year I'm just hoping..

..that I can pull it off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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Just told my wife this one after she said she was fat, I'm in trouble

Wife : "I feel fat, do you still love me?"

Me : "I'll love you thru Thikk and thin"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Throwaway899656
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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THIS JUST IN: A man is still in critical condition after swallowing $100,000 in large bills.

No change is expected

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πŸ‘€︎ u/junerlegion
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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My Dad just said this one in the drive-thru not 2 minutes ago

First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')

My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefishwhisperer1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I’m a proud dad. My daughter just told me this joke. In Hawaii, do people laugh loud?

Or is it a low ha (Aloha)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pimco
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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I was in the garden last night and to my surprise there was this huge UFO, just hovering....

So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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This just in: 2 robbers just hijacked a truck delivering a supply of viagra.

Everyone be on the lookout for 2 hardened criminals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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After all my travel in 2020 was cancelled, I'm now facing the COVID reality that my Spring Break trip is not going to happen either. I just told my suitcases this sad fact...

...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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I just thought of this today as I was driving... I’m sorry in advance πŸ˜‚ I saw this sign the other day, and it had rounded edges

It was kinda pointless...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BooperdDooper48
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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This just in: 2 men broke into the city bank using nothing more than a few mannequin limbs.

Officials say we are dealing with an armed robbery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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I just logged in and found this.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sasza25
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture... I told her I’m just looking for matches.
πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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A friend just told me about this documentary on burnout in the pagan community...

it's called "The Bleh Witch Project"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tel-aran-rhiod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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On top of everything else going on this year, I just got ketchup in my eye.

Now I have 2020 Heinzsight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......

Poor guy turned to a life of mime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjleak72
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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I just wanted to leave a few dad jokes if that's okay with all dads in this subreddit....

1.bI refused to believe my dad was fired as a road worker for theft

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

  1. Yesterday, I was fired from a keyboard factory

Apparently, I wasn't putting enough shifts.

  1. My friends bet me $50 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen the look on their face when I drove pasta.

  1. The price of a slice of an apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in Bahamas

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

  1. "Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addicts group", a man said.

"Btw I have to say I'm very disappointed to see only a few new faces this week."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Such a classic and unoriginal, but my dad just slipped this in a conversation.

I had a cold and my dad asked if my nose was running.

I said yes.

He said, You had better catch it then

I love my dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RekYaAll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Just in case you haven't seen this before.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acres41
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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I going to post this just in case
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πŸ‘€︎ u/namelessmystery
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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have you guys ever wanted to have sex with a journalist just to say "this just in"?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sK197666
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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Hi, I'm Poseidon. Just had to share this. I'm so proud of my boy. He's already working on his Christmas cards for this year, and I walked by and noticed what he was writing in each one.

Sea son's greetings.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Lights out lying in bed. My wife just made this up: Which jokes are historians allergic to?

AntiHistoryMemes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Just found this gem in the Sims 4...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/miraaaaaak123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Just got the Father-in-law with this one... Me: At Disney World parades they keep people in line with masking tape on the ground.

Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it? Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm gonna post this just in case
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dendeqtele
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I just thought of this from all the b-day greetings i got in facebook today
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nixsauce
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Ya know, I saw superhero on the street once, he was in line for a hotdog, read this guys mind and saw that his head was in the clouds, and he just pushed in front of him!

If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NukulerNicky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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News anchor: This just in. Polaroid cameras are coming back in fashion.

More on this as it develops...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I just don't feel like I click with others in this sub

I'm always doing it by myself. Since you're here, you probably do too :P

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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This just in: Scientists have turned back time.

They discovered the word "emit."

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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Told my best man to hold this just in case
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RS_Someone
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilipGlassEye
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
There's this guy who's been staying in one spot at the park for days without sitting or laying. People are calling him super amazing. I personally just think..

he's out standing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Airicz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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I wanted to post this just in case
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farrukhsshah
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I'll just let this sink in.

http://imgur.com/t0iHkD0

Edit: I got gold for making someone groan. Thank you so much, I'm now much more motivated to impregnate a woman so I can unleash my terrible jokes on the fruit of my loins.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whenn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
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Just ate this, now i get butterflies in my stomach (is it how you use it idk im bad at English)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EqualZero
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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This preacher had just died and is in line to go to heaven.

He says to the guy in front of him, β€œHey, what did you do in your life?” The guy says, β€œI was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasn’t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.” The preacher says, β€œI was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.” Finally, it’s the bus driver’s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, β€œWhat kind of things did you do in your life?” β€œWell, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?” β€œI don’t know,” says God. β€œWhat? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?” God says, β€œWhen you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leoninator123
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
How did I get into computer software? I was very confused about what to do in university, so I asked my dad... He was wearing a Nike tshirt, and he answered me by pointing at his chest, where this was written: Just do IT.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad literally just came out with this in the car...

I was explaining the interesting L-glucose thing I saw on Reddit t'other day to my diabetic father.

Dad: oh, so it's Spanish glucose then?

He thought it was great.

Edit: TIL I am a neckbeard-Yorkshireman with a Dad who literally bats for 't'other side' - for anyone still in the dark,"t'other" is contraction of "the other" commonly heard in NE England; it is commonly used elsewhere as a lighthearted/bucolic affectation.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squibly_Giblets
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"

Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.

Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evilbrent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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I’m currently in Montreal, Canada and just found this place across the street. I wonder if they serve Russian style poutines?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anniemay_13
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm in the middle of developing a new game. This guy came to life today and I just love his character so much!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/udipadhikari
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
This just happened in r/gaming
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TellTaleTank
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Admittedly, being in this sub makes me pretty uncomfortable. Maybe I’m just out of my depth.

https://imgur.com/gallery/yr8skve

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoBoMothBall
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Dad just sent this to me in an email. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! imgur.com/X8WFoid
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tangyfish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
I wanted to post this just in case.

https://imgur.com/xe8hW4t

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatWasAQuiche
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
(Dad told me this one just now) In Jamaica, a slice of apple pie costs $2. In the Bahamas, a slice costs of apple pie costs $2.50...

Those are the pie-rates of the Carribean!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SakuOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report

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