This Just In! Puns

..that I can pull it off.

Wife : "I feel fat, do you still love me?"

Me : "I'll love you thru Thikk and thin"

No change is expected

First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')

My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"

Or is it a low ha (Aloha)

So, I rushed indoors to get the worst camera I could find, to film it with.....

Everyone be on the lookout for 2 hardened criminals.

...and now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage

It was kinda pointless...

Officials say we are dealing with an armed robbery

it's called "The Bleh Witch Project"

Now I have 2020 Heinzsight.

Poor guy turned to a life of mime.

1.bI refused to believe my dad was fired as a road worker for theft

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

2. Yesterday, I was fired from a keyboard factory

Apparently, I wasn't putting enough shifts.

3. My friends bet me $50 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen the look on their face when I drove pasta.

4. The price of a slice of an apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in Bahamas

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

5. "Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addicts group", a man said.

"Btw I have to say I'm very disappointed to see only a few new faces this week."

I had a cold and my dad asked if my nose was running.

I said yes.

He said, You had better catch it then

I love my dad

Sea son's greetings.

AntiHistoryMemes

Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it? Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.

More on this as it develops...

If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.

I'm always doing it by myself. Since you're here, you probably do too :P

They discovered the word "emit."

http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com

he's out standing

http://imgur.com/t0iHkD0

Edit: I got gold for making someone groan. Thank you so much, I'm now much more motivated to impregnate a woman so I can unleash my terrible jokes on the fruit of my loins.

He says to the guy in front of him, “Hey, what did you do in your life?” The guy says, “I was a bus driver. I was a bad person. I wasn’t nice to people, I stole, and I always broke the law.” The preacher says, “I was a preacher. I always went to church and gave the best and longest sermons. I always prayed and read the Bible.” Finally, it’s the bus driver’s turn to tell God about his life. A few minutes later, he walks into heaven. The preacher walks up to God. God says, “What kind of things did you do in your life?” “Well, I went to church and gave great sermons. Do I get to go to heaven?” “I don’t know,” says God. “What? How come that dumb bus driver got to go to heaven?” God says, “When you gave your sermons, everyone fell asleep. But every time the bus driver was driving, there was at least one person on the bus who was praying.”

I was explaining the interesting L-glucose thing I saw on Reddit t'other day to my diabetic father.

Dad: oh, so it's Spanish glucose then?

He thought it was great.

Edit: TIL I am a neckbeard-Yorkshireman with a Dad who literally bats for 't'other side' - for anyone still in the dark,"t'other" is contraction of "the other" commonly heard in NE England; it is commonly used elsewhere as a lighthearted/bucolic affectation.

Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.

Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"

https://imgur.com/gallery/yr8skve

https://imgur.com/xe8hW4t

Those are the pie-rates of the Carribean!