I went in for surgery today and the doctor found catholic zombies inside me!

He said he found an infected mass.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eluchel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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From the game 'Plants vs. Zombies'
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fried_Cheesee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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What do you call the punchline to a joke about zombies having a gift exchange?

A dead giveaway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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Why did the soccer coach recruit zombies?

The team needed a new Ghoulie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?

Gimme your heads!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schmokes-McPots
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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What's the safest room in the house during a zombie invasion?

After I dug into the details of a theoretical zombie crisis and the entrances and exits of our home, I settled on the master bedroom.

My son sighs and says, "the living room."

High five buddy, you got me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ex_oh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/35mmPirate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaBear1718
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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What would happen to all of us if the zombie virus only affected redheads?

Ginger-bite-us

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colorado_kindbudz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?

He only eats Brians

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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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It you see a hungry zombie, destroy the hungry zombie.

It's a no-brainer!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Why did the girl date a zombie?

'Cause liked her for her brains!

Why did the girl break up with the zombie? 'Cause he was dead inside!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/balderdashbird
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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Why was the zombie so grumpy?

He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Why didn't the zombie cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cannabalisticdeer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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You know what the zombie said about the witch doctor?

Nothing, his lips were sealed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StormFenics
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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What did the zombie farmer say he wanted?

Grrraaaaiiinnns...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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What did the zombie gladiator say to the romans?

"ARE YOU NOT INTO BRAINS?! ARE YOU NOT. INTO. BRAINS!?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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My daughter is going to be a great dad..I came up stairs into the kitchen like a zombie...

she turned to me holding a bag of rice....."Graaaiiinsss"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jgpitre
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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"Did you hear about the new zombie game that all they do is watch dough rise?"

"It's called Bread Rising."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuitePasta
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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Who did the zombie take to the dance?

His ghoul-friend!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashrajt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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My family didn't have the appetite for my dessert puns. Please to enjoy!

Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?

Gingersnap


Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?

Snickerdoodle


Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?

Shortbread


Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?

Angel food


Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?

Peach cobbler


Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?

Baked Alaska


Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?

German chocolate


Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?

Lemon bars


Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?

Fondant


Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?

Sherbet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fyrefrog25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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What did the zombie say to the kindergartener after he took her brain?

I got your knows!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evasive-Cupid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Why was the zombie sad?

Because he was a husk of his former self.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SampleText21-YT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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Where is the best place to hide under a Zombie apocalypse?

The living room

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πŸ‘€︎ u/starhedgehog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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Where is the safest place in your house during a zombie apocalypse?

The Living Room!

Credit goes to this old man at my job. He's full of em.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hadeon_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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How did the musician survive a zombie apocalypse?

He bard his windows.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stunley
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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so a zombie and his friend walk into a bar. the bartender asks what they want, and so the zombie says

well ive been DYING to have a daiquiri lately

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thuanger
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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The main character in the Netflix show iZombie ( who is a zombie ) is called Liv Moore
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemobu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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What did the zombie girl say to the zombie boy?

Are you going to kiss me or rot?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pgtart
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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What job does the zombie do in an orchestra?

They are the decomposers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maxokidd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
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Why did the zombie get a haircut?

Because he had dead ends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrisML
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2017
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Request for help remembering a joke

Hello,

I am requesting help with remembering a joke. Posts of this type did not seem to be against the subreddit's rules, but if I am in error, please let me know and delete my post.

Anyway, here is what I remember of the joke:

It is movie themed and it says something like this: "There should be a post-apocalyptic zombie movie with a romantic comedy element. Then we would have the world's first rom-com-zom-dom-bomb." The only thing is that I forget what the "dom" was supposed to mean and whether or not there is more to this joke, either in the set-up or the punchline. I googled it to no avail. Any help is appreciated.

Thank you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ontoforever
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Why couldn't the zombie board the airplane?

Because they don't allow carrion!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jcorb
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2017
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What advice did the zombie give his son?

Don't put all your eggs in one casket.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2016
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Why did they have to stop the zombie hockey game?

Because there was a Face Off in the corner..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Numerolophile
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2015
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For all th H. P. Lovecraft fans out there

Instead of calling it the "zombie apocalypse", why not just call it the Necro-nom-athon?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raven21633x
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Being undead only sometimes sucks.

I wondered why zombies, ghouls, and vampires are so closely associated. After all, why would decaying shambling corpses be associated with the suave Dracula-esque? then it hit me:

Most vampires are necromancers, but not all necromancers are vampires.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ojiji_bored
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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What does a zombie call his girlfriend?

Zombae.

And that's what my kids get after watching ZOMBIES for the 6th time in 4 days.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DINC44
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADAToTheMoon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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what’s the difference

what’s the difference between a scared zombie and a scared skeleton the zombie still got guts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boiboi-the-girl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Zombie?

He only eats Brians.......

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?

He only eats Brians

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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What’s the safest room in the house during zombie apocalypse?

The living room

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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