When I was a kid, I was around some horrible people online. I got baited into online relationships with some sick people, and the communities I was in made me think all this fucked up stuff was ok. I was around weirdo furries who thought "feral" was ok and people who kept trying to convince me I liked it, which lead me into being made to be curious about actual horrible animal videos and I watched a few of them. I feel tainted beyond belief, and like I'm this sick horrible person.
I'm not like this anymore, and I know I can't change it. But I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out with the weight of what I did.
How do I get over this and accept what I did and move on?
So yesterday I was hanging out with my friends and we were all getting drunk. One of my friends told us that his girlfriend and some of her friends were coming along. I like most of them and enjoy hanging out with them, with the exception of this one girl who is so damn annoying. She just gets really fucking drunk and won’t stop shouting and screaming, which while annoying is bearable. The thing is this time the full night she sat next to me and was occasionally cracking jokes at my expense. As he night went on it eventually got to the point where I couldn’t talk without her butting in and saying something to try annoy me. Eventually I moved away from her to a smaller seat cause I could feel myself getting angry at her, after which she cracked a joke about my height and how tiny the new seat made me look. I was really drunk at this point and wasn’t thinking clearly, and retaliated with a joke about her weight, and everyone went fucking nuts and got pissed at me.
Now I know I was a complete asshole, and I did apologise for it. The words just came out my mouth, I feel fucking awful that I acted like that. There was no intention behind my joke other than to hurt her, and I hate that even for a second that’s how I reacted. I really feel awful about it. But what annoys me is the fucking double standard man. I get that the societal pressure on girls to look good means my comment carried more weight than any of her jokes about me, but it annoys me that I was expected to apologise just cause I’m a guy and she’s allowed to say whatever the fuck she wants about my appearance without anyone seeing a problem with it.
Whenever I expressed this nobody would back me up, and as I sobered up I realised it was fucking shitty behaviour to try defend myself for being a malicious asshole and making fun of someone’s weight, so I just dropped the argument and apologised, but it really fucking annoys me that I was made out to be some kind of villain when this girl was being just as bad. My insult was a one off, heat of the moment burst of anger, whereas hers were repeated over and over as if it was no big deal. I’ve put up with jokes like that my full life basically and never said a word, and it just felt shitty that when I tried to make people see how it can be just as hurtful people just dismissed my feelings and told me I should be okay with it. It’s fucking bullshit. At the end of the day both sides were making fun of the other’s appearance, and it wasn’t okay, but people a
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It's impossible to mend this relationship because we have never had one. All I have ever wanted in my entire life was for my mom to love me and she uses that against me every chance she gets. And now with my father only having 3 months to a year to live she is using his death to guilt trip me. She is a meth addict and when she got my older sister smoking meth they were best friends and she hated me so much. Then my older sister"made a huge mistake" and got clean and she hated her. When she got my younger sister smoking meth she and her became besties, imagine that, and when my little sister"made that huge mistake" my mother found a new meth bestie, my little sisters best friend's mother. I am so jealous over there relationship because that's all I have ever wanted with my mom. I wish she would get clean so she would love me! I really can't become a meth user for her approval The worst part is I have no idea why I even want her in my life. This woman has done things to me that no one in this world could imagine ever doing to their children. She has poisoned me, beat me, molested me pretty much everything horrable that you could think of my mother has done. There was a time n my childhood I remembered her bragging to her friend about how proud she is of being such a bad mother. At the time I thought all this was normal. Now I am a mother to an amazing 10 month old little girl who I love and adore so much I could never ever put her threw the pain my own mother has& continues to put me through. I know I couldn't because I love my daughter. So why doesn't my mother love me? How do I get through this?! I am having a mental break down! My father is the only reason I survived my childhood & now he is going to pass away soon and I am afraid without him I won't be able to survive my adult mother hood as long as she is treating me this way. I don't know what to do! It's so hard to go on living with this pain and and suffering but I have to stay strong so I can give my daughter the mother I have always wished for. It's so hard to stay strong after 27 years of this! How do I make myself stop loving my mom all I can let go & move on with my family? How do I get myself to stop wishing for my mom to change when she never will? How do I get her death grip off of my heart and soul!?
i need emotional support lmao
i usually have my own space for having breakdowns but i feel now i need legitimate help from people instead of hoping people search for a specific keyword and seeing me
i do not speak in public very much so my conversational and overall english skills are undeveloped, so if you're reading this with a cringing face, please don't call me an edgelord, that has already happened too many times
three weeks ago my only friend was this girl, who i was having an ldr with, the thing is oh my god my thumbs are shaking everything was great at the start, talked every day we were so happy, a few months go by and one day.. she doesn't read any messages. 30 hours go by she replies 'Sorry I fell asleep'. it's always these 1 lines isnt it you cant just talk to me.
it's hurt me in my heart
i had enough when she didn't read messages for that prolonged amount of time, it was hurting me, she was my only coping mechanism, and i can't lose her because i did that compatibility website thing and it said 'probability of yo ufinding someone compatible is 1 in 21000' so im not talking the chance of finding someone else time just needs to take its time
however, it's still fkd me up. for the first time in my life, regular self harming
i've always eaten too much salt but now i'm putting too much on everything i eat
hitting myself
blaming myself
searched up all the tablets in the cupboard, how much to od
this is scary. i've always been seen as, and see myself as, the innocent quiet one but now i'm doing all of these things it's going so fast and i can't keep up
i've isolated myself
but now i'm saying 'haha alright yyou will actually look for people to talk to..?'
decided i will
having one person to depend upon isn't healthy
i've learned that the hard way
i may sound like i've recovered a bit since then, but that's only because if i don't try my best to sound ok when im publicly posting ill beat myself
inside i'm slowly going more and more insane, and the pressure is mounting
please
all i need is just a hello how are you every day everybody who has promsied theyd help me said theyd do that but after not even a week they stopped and i've been descending and descending since then
I JUST FEEL LIKE I DON'T DESERVE IT, ALRIGHT? LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE HAS A REASON THAT THEYRE SO FKD UP BUT I DONT HAVE ANY WHY AM I LIKE THIS WHY AM I LIKE THIS EVERY TIME SOMEONE SAYS TO ME JUST BE HAPPY OR ITS JUST A PHASE I WANT TO PUNCH THEM TO DEATH BECAUSE THIS HAS BEEN GETTING WOR
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Venting here a little because if I tell anyone I know my life will detonate. Post history has more backstory. Basically I feel trapped by a pregnancy I vehemently didn’t want, and retained by the unstableness of my gf only I get exposed to. I have to manage my gf in private to keep her calm but in actuality, I wish I was single and she never got pregnant.
She never got over me after our breakup 2 years ago and never stopped hanging around. I still feel deceived and even after all this time (son is almost 1) I don’t feel better about being a dad nor this relationship. Though I hope she was just stupid (like me for not wearing a condom) and failed to take her pills on time, deep down I am suspicious. Why wouldn’t she warn me? Why wouldn’t she think of emergency contraceptives? It was our “last time” trying to be bf/gf and she had wanted it way more than I did, saying she changed and grew up. I kick myself for giving her yet another chance. The weekend of, we later find out, she falls pregnant. Only afterward do all her childhood convictions and beliefs against abortion come out. She wanted credit for even considering it, but I felt very betrayed.
I’m just going through the motions now .. my son is innocent, but at this point, splitting up with her will destroy her. It will only paint me in a bad light to much of my social circle (now mutual friends all getting married). Instead of marriage, I’ll be the guy who breaks up with his child’s mother, when she can’t support herself and the baby, etc etc. I’d certainly pay my share of child support and be a good co-parent, but she will be shattered, and her petty vindictive nature (when mad) I foresee causing me hell.
The worst part of all this is I feel very detached from my son. I don’t know why there is a barrier but I do not feel this intense love like you read about. I play with him, feed him, and take care of him everyday. I would defend him from any harm and soothe him when he was upset. He is thrilled just to see me, but sometimes I think if I never saw him or his mother again, I’d be just fine. I’d probably feel differently down the road, and try to empathize how bad I’d feel if my dad didn’t want me, wasn’t around as much as he was, etc. so I stay. My own son feels like ... a friend’s cute kid. I am not excited to tell people I have a kid if and when they ask. He doesn’t deserve such a selfish dad. This confuses me and causes me to feel like a terrible person. I probably a
... keep reading on reddit ➡It just sucks. I'm undoubtedly the single worst person in the world, as I'm inherently solitary while being human means I'm supposed to socialize - I do have the attraction to the society, but I'm just incapable of it. Moreover, I have both evil thoughts and suicidal thoughts which are competing with each other - and there is nothing else. So, it's like, either I live to make trouble on other people's lives, or I kill myself as it is the best outcome for everyone. Since I know that both of these are morally inappropriate, it hurts me harder and harder as time goes on. I'm in utter confusion, disatifaction and discomfort.. just playing video games when I have free time.. or doing anything meaningless..
What am I supposed to do.
Would anyone actually say I should die? Don't worry, I'd also appreciate if you do just as if you'd help me. Or, is there anyone who would at least say that you/someone is in the worse position?
I was distracted cause I was singing while I was trying to park and I accidentally hit some poor persons driver side and left a pretty big dent and some scratches. I am so over come with guilt. I left a note with my apologize and my phone number and I just I can’t fathom what will come next. I’m not really a new driver I’ve been driving for a year and I should have know better and been better but I wasn’t and now I think I may throw up from the anxiety of it all. It’s my fault and I know that I am prepared to do whatever it takes to make it right and yet I still feel so bad. I probably ruined that persons day from the looks of it they were an employee of one of the store the lot was for and I am so guilty I want to wait here until the shops close in 5 hours because I just I feel so bad. I’m sorry if I’m rambling I just needed to get it off my chest.
It's impossible to mend this relationship because we have never had one. All I have ever wanted in my entire life was for my mom to love me and she uses that against me every chance she gets. And now with my father only having 3 months to a year to live she is using his death to guilt trip me. She is a meth addict and when she got my older sister smoking meth they were best friends and she hated me so much. Then my older sister"made a huge mistake" and got clean and she hated her. When she got my younger sister smoking meth she and her became besties, imagine that, and when my little sister"made that huge mistake" my mother found a new meth bestie, my little sisters best friend's mother. I am so jealous over there relationship because that's all I have ever wanted with my mom. I wish she would get clean so she would love me! I really can't become a meth user for her approval The worst part is I have no idea why I even want her in my life. This woman has done things to me that no one in this world could imagine ever doing to their children. She has poisoned me, beat me, molested me pretty much everything horrable that you could think of my mother has done. There was a time n my childhood I remembered her bragging to her friend about how proud she is of being such a bad mother. At the time I thought all this was normal. Now I am a mother to an amazing 10 month old little girl who I love and adore so much I could never ever put her threw the pain my own mother has& continues to put me through. I know I couldn't because I love my daughter. So why doesn't my mother love me? How do I get through this?! I am having a mental break down! My father is the only reason I survived my childhood & now he is going to pass away soon and I am afraid without him I won't be able to survive my adult mother hood as long as she is treating me this way. I don't know what to do! It's so hard to go on living with this pain and and suffering but I have to stay strong so I can give my daughter the mother I have always wished for. It's so hard to stay strong after 27 years of this! How do I make myself stop loving my mom all I can let go & move on with my family? How do I get myself to stop wishing for my mom to change when she never will? How do I get her death grip off of my heart and soul!?
It's impossible to mend this relationship because we have never had one. All I have ever wanted in my entire life was for my mom to love me and she uses that against me every chance she gets. And now with my father only having 3 months to a year to live she is using his death to guilt trip me. She is a meth addict and when she got my older sister smoking meth they were best friends and she hated me so much. Then my older sister"made a huge mistake" and got clean and she hated her. When she got my younger sister smoking meth she and her became besties, imagine that, and when my little sister"made that huge mistake" my mother found a new meth bestie, my little sisters best friend's mother. I am so jealous over there relationship because that's all I have ever wanted with my mom. I wish she would get clean so she would love me! I really can't become a meth user for her approval The worst part is I have no idea why I even want her in my life. This woman has done things to me that no one in this world could imagine ever doing to their children. She has poisoned me, beat me, molested me pretty much everything horrable that you could think of my mother has done. There was a time n my childhood I remembered her bragging to her friend about how proud she is of being such a bad mother. At the time I thought all this was normal. Now I am a mother to an amazing 10 month old little girl who I love and adore so much I could never ever put her threw the pain my own mother has& continues to put me through. I know I couldn't because I love my daughter. So why doesn't my mother love me? How do I get through this?! I am having a mental break down! My father is the only reason I survived my childhood & now he is going to pass away soon and I am afraid without him I won't be able to survive my adult mother hood as long as she is treating me this way. I don't know what to do! It's so hard to go on living with this pain and and suffering but I have to stay strong so I can give my daughter the mother I have always wished for. It's so hard to stay strong after 27 years of this! How do I make myself stop loving my mom all I can let go & move on with my family? How do I get myself to stop wishing for my mom to change when she never will? How do I get her death grip off of my heart and soul!?
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