The Waking Puns

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

Because dawn is tough on Greece.

Morning wood.

The other was a salted..

I hate these late night rebooty calls.

He asked me if I lived anywhere near the shoreline. I shook my head and asked why he asked.

The doctor responded, "Oh, just curious, because you've got a case of port man toes"

"For excessive drinking" the officer replies So the prisoner replies "Great, when do we start?"

There’s caws for alarm.

The pee is silent.

To get the moist out of the day.

I don’t know what to make of it.

Because it was de-livered.

To beat the crowd.

Edit: All credit goes to u/AleoMoorea, who posted it here.

It was There and Beck again.

You know, for my morning portie.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

Good mormon.

Papa No Grinny.

Apologize profusely

The father asked him if he was feeling sad.

The boy said no I deserved this I got too into the breadmaking and lost my cool.

The man sat back in his chair perplexed even more.

He asked him ok but why did you need them?

The boy looked confused.

Everyone needs them, to walk to run and to play.

No but why the fuck did you knead them?

The good news is that your other leg is all better."

About rheum temperature

"Hear here," she sobbed, asking, "who's there?"
"No," I said soothingly. "Who's on first. They're there."
"Oh." She said, seeing that I pointed to the flowers I had found in the cemetery on the way to the showing. "Thanks for coming by."

But then it dawned on me that I should sleep in.

Whilst I was making crumpets it told me to wake up, asked why I don't put on a little makeup, why did I leave the keys upon the table..

http://imgur.com/a/1qKYz

But I don’t lose any sleep over it.

They set their a-llamas.

I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!

They're always a bit crabby

Me: I check my mobile. Dad: eh wrong.... You open your eyes.

At Sonrise, if you will.

Now I’m a bereaver.

I told him no, but he can watch the dadsleep instead

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

To get the moist out of the day.

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

To beat the crowds.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

Tomorrow I’m taking this piece of junk back to IKEA.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.