WHY IS THE RICH UNCLE ALWAYS SINGLE
Because the ladies bolt when he nuts.
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︎ Feb 22 2022
My uncleβs a cool dude. He has the heart of a lion and aβ¦
lifetime ban from the National Zoo.
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︎ Dec 05 2021
Always the joker and full of life - as my uncle Frank lay dying last week, he asked that his cremains be buried in his favorite beer mug...
He said his dying wish was to be Frank-in-Stein.
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︎ Dec 23 2021
My uncle works at the tickle me elmo factory.
Yeah, he does the test tickles.
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︎ Dec 03 2021
My uncle is a general contractor primarily focused on the construction of new branch locations for credit unions and other financial institutions.
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︎ Dec 25 2021
My Uncle David told me that people in the 80s had the chance to have super powers for 24 hours and they could do what ever they wanted with them
He said "We could be heroes, but just for one day"
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︎ Nov 22 2021
Whatβs the difference between a dad joke and an uncle joke?
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︎ Oct 22 2021
My uncle was in a band called The Hinges.
They supported The Doors.
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︎ Jun 14 2021
I recently asked my Uncle, who has been a lawyer for forty years, what kind of advice he'd give someone just starting out. He looked at me and he said, "One thing I learned pretty quickly is to *never* put a harp on the witness stand".
"It turns out out that they're typically lyres".
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︎ Aug 12 2021
My uncle went down to the new biker bar, knowing for cursing, whiskey, and smoking cigars.. I asked him how it was..
He said A Country Boy Cancer Vibe
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︎ Jul 22 2021
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew of the shelves.
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︎ Feb 09 2021
My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.
At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"
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︎ Feb 13 2021
My uncle used to work at a factory that recycled worn out whitewalls. One day, he fell into one of the processing machines...
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︎ May 21 2021
My uncle was in a terrible accident, and lost the entire left side of his body.
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︎ Feb 17 2021
When my uncle worked at the iron mill he made a fortune sneaking out material that he could sell. One can say he was very good at steeling.
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︎ Oct 25 2020
I've an uncle who works for the symphonie part-time.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Iβm worried about volunteering to help my uncle at work tomorrow at the coronerβs office
Itβs a pretty big undertaking
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︎ Nov 29 2020
What's the difference between a dad joke and an uncle joke?
Whether you groan or moan
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︎ Jun 05 2020
There's a variant of the dad joke which is called the uncle joke
The punchline might not be apparent but at least it's all groan up
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︎ Aug 09 2020
The guy who colors the cloth quit my uncle's factory without warning.
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︎ Jun 25 2020
My uncle's friend won the Olympic gold with an epee made from a disposable thin metal sheet often used in cooking...
It was a good aluminum foil
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︎ Nov 05 2020
My uncle is really good at fishing. He always knows exactly what kind of worm to put on his fishing hook, in order to catch the desired kind of fish.
One might say he is a master baiter.
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︎ Sep 18 2020
My uncle drink dialed me the other night and told me he was going on an exclusively almond diet.
I said, "That's just nuts."
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︎ Aug 06 2020
My uncle always jokes that reaching the remote is middle aged yoga.
I say, Yoga?! Pff, thatβs a stretch.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
Did you hear that they are going to change the Uncle Benβs logo?
Itβs because everyone thought it was ricest.
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︎ Jun 28 2020
I heard that Marvel is now sponsoring Uncle Ben's rice and changing the picture to Peter Parker's uncle.
The new slogan is "With great power comes great rice possibilities."
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︎ Jun 17 2020
My uncle invested in a company that made the Enter-key for computer keyboards...
He made a fortune in Returns...
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︎ Jan 04 2020
Despite being the owner of a very successful nutrition supplements company, my uncle has developed a deficiency
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︎ Apr 12 2020
My uncle made the best marinade ever.
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︎ Mar 04 2020
My uncle always told me he had a fortune in a safe deposit box. He left me the key in his will.
I went to the bank, trembling with anticipation, got access to the box, took it into the private viewing room. I opened the box and looked in, there was an envelope in side, when I opened it, a folded piece of paper fell out. I read it, and it said: "Good things are ahead for you. Your lucky numbers are 6, 10 and 13."
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︎ Jun 11 2016
Driving through farmland with the family, my dad randomly says βHey look! A whole flock of cows!β My uncle corrects him: βHerd of cows...β
Dad: βOf course Iβve heard of cows! Look! Theyβre all over the damn place!β
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︎ Oct 14 2019
Calculus Teacher: Itβs not the Uncle Derivative.
Itβs the Auntie Derivative.
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︎ Dec 22 2019
This one is really bad my family was at the pizza place donatos, my uncle says to my dad βdo you want more donatosβ
My dad says βthe whole restaurant?β I laughed because it was so bad
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︎ Dec 28 2019
My uncle is convinced that his wife prevents flakey scalp in the hair
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︎ Oct 13 2019
Introduced my 3 year old to Mary Poppins and she loves it. But keeps telling me the joke told by Bert and Uncle Albert.
βI know a man with a wooden leg named Smith..β
βReally, whatβs the name of his other leg?β
She tells both lines and laughs loudly saying βthatβs funny Daddyβ...
Love it.
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︎ May 09 2019
Uncle Kracker's order at the deli
"Give me roast beef, boys, and filet of sole. I also want lox on a Kaiser roll. That's all, today."
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︎ Oct 08 2018
My Uncle is one of the best farmers in the world
because he's always out standing in his field.
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︎ Aug 29 2018
Son: what's that in the beer glass on the mantle? Me: well, that's your uncle Frank that's where he wanted his remains. It was his favourite beer stein. He always said it would be funny, never got why.
Son: maybe it's so he could be a frank in stein?
Me: Dammit Frank!
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︎ Jul 08 2019
You wanna know what uncle terry said before he kicked the bucket
How far do you think I can kick this bucket
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︎ Jan 17 2019
My nephew just called us into the living room, saying "Dad, Uncle Squigles, all the light bulbs blew!"
We walked into him giggling having just asked Alexa to change the lights to blue.
My brother is still cracking up and very proud.
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︎ Jul 16 2019
My uncle quit the orchestra after the conductor complained he was out of tune
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︎ Jan 01 2019
My uncle, aunt, dad and I were in the car talking about our house back home
My dad: "We have some hydrangeas, except the deer ate them down to one inch."
My uncle: "So I guess they're low-drangeas now."
I chuckled, but my aunt sighed heavily.
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︎ Jul 03 2015
Itβs important to look both ways before crossing the street, but donβt be like your late uncle Carl...
... make sure you are looking left and right, NOT up and down.
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︎ Apr 09 2019
My uncle survived a freak storm at sea. He spent the rest of his life unemployed, telling taller and taller tales about it.
When he died penniless, he was living in squall lore.
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︎ Jan 25 2019
My wife accidentally put over $200 of cash through the washer and dryer, her uncle couldn't help himself.
https://imgur.com/a/QDA0hRE
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︎ Jun 19 2018
What's the difference between a dad joke and an uncle joke?
Whether you groan or moan.
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︎ Feb 10 2020
What did uncle terry say before kicking the bucket
How far do you think I can I can kick this bucket
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︎ Nov 16 2018
Your uncle just loves to up the ante.
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︎ Sep 28 2016
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