A list of puns related to "The Ugly"
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
turns out, it was a mirror.
That was an awfully rude re-mark.
Well, the doc says, I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and say - your baby looks just like you!
"Have you lost your mind?" asked the woman next to me.
"No," I said, "Look on the label. It says they're degradable."
We are from Quebec so we speak french.
It's lunchtime and someone at the table is getting thirsty. (Keep in mind that ''laid'' and ''lait'' are pronounced the same way in french)
''Peux tu me passer le lait, papa? (Can you pass over the milk, dad?)'' My sister says.
''Ben, le laid est just là! (Well, the ugly is right there!)'' My dad says while pointing at me.
He then proceeds to laugh, extremely proud of his joke. Oh dad..
A student asked "what if you're ugly?'
As an old dad, I was befuddled for a moment before asking "did you just tell a dad joke?" She grinned, and I commissioned her as a dad on the spot.
Brother: Babe, we need to eat all the pears, they’re going to go bad soon.
SIL: but I don’t like pears, you can eat the rest of them...
Brother: I don’t think I can eat the rest of them by myself though...
Me, from another part of the room: well you better pre-pear yourself!
*ugly laughs from the couch
Despite the bulging eyes, horrible nose, weird ears and all round ugliness, the dog seems to like her.
A man goes to the grocery store and buys 2 apples, a banana and an onion.
The lady at the checkout counter says, "You must be single".
The man says, "Wow, how did you know?"
The lady says, "Because you're ugly."
To go over to the ugly persons house.
Knock knock. Who’s there. The chicken....
Me and my boyfriend, making breakfast.
Me: Can you please roast the last slice of bread for me?
BF: Yes, sure.
Takes out the bread, looks at it and says: YOU'RE UGLY!
Me: *laughing* NOT THAT KIND OF ROASTING!
My granddaughter was recently born, and she is, of course, perfection incarnate. However, the night she was born, I got my son.
We had left his girlfriend's hospital room where she was in labor (14 1/2 hours!) to get some coffee. As we did so, I gave him some fatherly advice.
Me: Son, you know how everyone acts like all babies are beautiful?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Well, you and I both know that it's not true. There are some ugly babies out there. Now, I am not saying yours is going to be, I am sure she's going to be fine, but just in case...
Him: Yes?
Me: You know those signs at some bathrooms that say "Baby Changing Station"? Just stick her in there, close the lid...
Him: OMG, Dad, shut the fuck up!
Me: <literally tapdancing away>
Confused, I asked him, "Hey man what's up with the bees?" And he suddenly said, "You're ugly."
Affronted, I said, "Ugly?!! And what do YOU know about looks!"
So he told me, "Beauty is in the eye of the beeholder."
I walked in and said “Oi, you big, fat, ugly, bald loser! I want to buy a new mirror!”
The salesman said “I’m over here, sir.”
Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.
First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.
Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."
Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"
Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"
Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."
Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."
There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said “Mike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."
That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"
Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."
Thank you for your time.
When i was born, i was ugly, my mothers doctor told me mum there were some complications at birth, she asked, " What do you mean?" the doctor said, " I did all i could, but he pulled through anyways! "
My son brings home math homework. Son: dad I can’t figure out this question. Dad: well what’s the question? Son: how do you know this is not an acute angle? Dad: that’s easy son! It’s not an ugly one...
"No, they're triplets. I just leave the ugly one at home."
-Is that so? And what’s the problem? -The ugly one is winning
And he walks up to the counter and places 1 eggplant and 1 burger on the counter. The woman serving him says I bet you live alone. The man replies I do how could you tell? The woman replies Because you’re an ugly bastard!
Mom and I were in the car and this conversation happened:
Mom: "that car is such an ugly shade of green"
Me: "I agreen"
Mom: "ha. ha. ha." rolls eyes
Me: "Es la verde-d!"
The ugly Nicolas Adultwoman
Man is checking out at the grocery store. Clerk scans bananas, milk, peanut butter, rice, and shampoo.
Clerk: You must be single?
Man: (Man looks down at his food) How can you tell?
Clerk: Because you are ugly
OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???
About 7 years ago, I started working for a company named Shaw, and they gave me a bunch of shirts and a really ugly sweatshirt. I kept trying to give away the sweatshirt, but nobody wanted it. One day, I had a party, and somebody took the shaw shirt because they didn't bring a jacket and it was cold outside.
My girlfriend at the time said it was "The Shaw-Shirt Redemption".
I had never been more proud.
He was trying to figure out how to use the timer on it to take a selfie with us and my sister was covering her face. When asked why she said it's because she's ugly today.
My dad said "obviously, because it's breaking my camera!"
Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.
The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.
Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.
For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.
On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.
Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.
Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken
... keep reading on reddit ➡Dad was telling me about all of his research he's doing before they make their purchase. He reads reviews and watches videos and asks friends, the whole nine yards. He said that some of the highest rated cars he's seen, such as from Consumer Report, are just really ugly to him. The following conversation ensued:
Me: What's so ugly about them? Can you put your finger on it?
Dad: Well, your mom and I are going to visit a dealership next week, so then I'll be able to put my finger on it. Get it? Because I'll be able to touch-
Me: Yeah, I get it.
So I went to the [Insert Store Name], looking for some condoms. I grabbed the ones I needed and walked up to the counter. The guy behind the counter looks at me and says
"Would you like a bag for that?"
And I'm like, "Its ok, My girlfriend's not that ugly!"
My sister was complaining that all she could buy for underwear was ugly ones because she has wide hips even though the rest of her is skinny. I wasn't really paying attention and said "aw yeah..that's a bummer."
She looked at me like "oh haha very funny." I was confused for a half a second until I thought about what I had just said.
A woman goes to the hospital after a car accident. After a few x-rays a doctor sits down with her and says: "I'm sorry ma'am, it appears you have a broken arm."
Obviously flustered the woman exclaims: "I want a second opinion!"
The doctor thinks for a moment and then replies: "okay, you're ugly"
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on
time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
scroll down.....
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
So my dad got a new ringtone for his phone a few months back. It's the theme from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly." Great movie, great tune.
However.
EVERY time my dad's phone rings now, it is inevitably followed by, "Excuse me, guys. I believe Mr. Eastwood is calling."
Today I was talking to my dog telling him that he was classically handsome when my dad chimes in and calls my dog ugly.
So I tell my dog "don't listen to him, you're the most handsome puppy in the house"
My dad responds "No, I'm the most handsome papi in the house!"'
("Papi" is father in Spanish)
Dad: "Did I ever tell you the condom rule?"
Me: "Nooo...?"
Dad: "Well, wear 2 condoms if she's ugly but you're horny. 1 condom if she's a normal lay and by God son don't ever wear a condom if she's hot and rich!"
Sidenote: My dad fucking rocks.
Edit: spelling
Mom, "Pookie, can you turn off the bacon please?" Dad walks up to the pan and says, "You're ugly and fatty and I don't want to be with you." He turns to mom, "Okay, they're not in the mood anymore."
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Happened on fathers day and forgot to post here.
For fathers day I got my dad the Dollars trilogy (A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More and The good, The Bad and The Ugly) remastered on bluray. So he unwrapped them and was pretty pleased, and I said to him
"oh they've been remastered so they look great!"
and he said:
"Oh yeah? I hope it was done by a good company, because if it's done by a bad company, then they can be ugly"
My dad doesn't made dad jokes too often, but I love the ones he does.
About 5 years ago my dad seen a fellow vendor at a flea market with a monkey wearing a diaper on her shoulder. My dad says , " Ma'am , that's a ugly baby you have." For 5 years and counting the lady hasn't brought her monkey back and gives him a "go to hell look" every sunday.
ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do
BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
MISTY: How golfers create divots
PARADOX: Two physicians
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
POLARIZE: What penguins see with
PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.