the fisherman was playing his out of tune guitar

luckily he caught a Tuna

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Broadway has a new show that combines magic with the tunes of a 70’s Swedish Pop Band

It’s called ABBA-Cadabra.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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I can only imagine the frustration behind the making of modern Looney Tunes shows.

There has to be a lot of Bugs in the programs they use.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamo312
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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[OC] Bringin the tunes!
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Candlefrog_king
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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I was the solo support act for minor local rock group, 'Nothing'. My set went terribly. I was out of tune, really nervous, the equipment was failing too. The crowd began to boo and leave in droves.

I said, "you ain't seen Nothing yet!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mittenshape
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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My uncle quit the orchestra after the conductor complained he was out of tune

He left on a high note

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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Why did Peter Pan tune the guitar?

He wanted to B minor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rovlol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
When they give out baseball gloves at the stadium, they play some pretty great tunes because...

...there's good rocking at Mitt Night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmrtnt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad is in tune with the world

I just got a package containing 25 ounces of silver in differently sized bullion coins. I was checking them out when my cat jumped up on the table, smelled the coin I was holding and then bit it for some reason.

I said "Whoa! he just bit it," as the cat ran away (probably not fun biting solid metal).

My dad glanced over and said, "So it's a Bitcoin?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vertical453
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
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At Thanksgiving dinner with 8 kids under the age of 7, I made a joke about inventing a reverse hearing aid that tunes out children decibels.

It fell on deaf ears

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πŸ‘€︎ u/borntobemild-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Came with the house my brother bought. The thing sticking out is his tuning fork
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatVapeBitch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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I was tuning a guitar. While doing this one of the stings snapped in half perfectly. I took one half and stretched It out. I managed to get it on. One problem though. As soon as I played it shot straight to the ceiling.

I’d never heard or seen such a high note.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueparasites
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toydles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Can you tuna fish?

It’s this fun new dance move that is best when danced to the tune of phish!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trollfaceguy1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna. What about the glue? I knew you’d get stuck on that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tv_JeT_Tv
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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I took my clarinet back to the music shop,

"I don't know what it is," I said, "I can only seem to be able to play one tune on it, Perfect Day, nothing else seems right or in tune."

"Let's have a look," said the assistant as he dismantled my clarinet.

"Ha, there's the problem, looks like it was fitted with a Lou Reed."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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What's the difference between a fish, a piano and a tub of glue?

You can tune a piano but you can't tunafish. as for the tub of glue, i knew you would get stuck on that one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastStrudelz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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A car cruising down a rural country suddenly backfires.

As the engine sputters and shuts down the woman driving the car steers toward a nearby driveway and honks the horn hoping to get the attention of a guy herding cattle in the distance. Sure enough within a minute the man has ridden his horse over to her. He dismounts and gives a happy β€œHello! Sounds like you’re having some car trouble. Can I help at all?” The woman replies that she’s not sure what happened but that she would love some help. They pop the hood and the man says he thinks he can fix the problem but has to run back to his barn to get some tools. The cows have come to see what’s going on and as the farmer gets ready to leave he says β€œDon’t worry about your car. I’ll have it running in a few minutes. Just head over there to the shade of the tree by the fence. The cows are all friendly. Bessy there likes to have her ear rubbed, Albert likes to look at people, and Mare will just moo a grand ole tune.” All of it is true and within 20 minutes the woman is happily sitting in her car with the engine running better than before. β€œThank you so much, you’re a life saver,” she says. The man smiles and lets out a big laugh before saying β€œI’m glad I could help. But I’m no life saver. I’m just a jolly rancher.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foyeldagain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Just made up my 1st dad joke, that I can think of after being a father for 3 and a half years.

I'm pushing my shopping cart to the cart corral after this loading my car with groceries. This lady is walking to the store and asks "Is that a good one" I says "yeah, I just had her tuned up" and then " it runs pretty smooth". All I got was a smile from her but I couldn't stop laughing on the inside myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rnembrane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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The new tool album sounds awesome

They are "hammering" out some new tunes, But they should of hired "Phillips head" to do the mixing.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flurowolf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground...

While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground. Ecstatic, he took the money and walked into a nearby store, thinking he would treat himself. Inside, he purchased a large chocolate cake and started walking home. Suddenly, a crazy old man popped out of an alley next to him and ran straight past him! As he went by, he dropped a mechanical eyeball straight into the middle of the cake. Dazed, the man stopped and stared at the eyeball when it suddenly started to belt out a tune!

Well, obviously the best part of this story was the finding of the 100 dollars - everything else is just eye sing on the cake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0elijaHayes0
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus. He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play...

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.

There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.

The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.

The octopus took it and stared for a bit.

After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.

This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.

The bartender said, β€œI’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.

The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.

The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, β€œHurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus spewed, β€œPlay it?! I wanna marry her!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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Music selection on a boat

Some friends of mine like to rent a boat every year and go enjoy a quiet day of nice summer weather on a nice lake. One friend brought a stereo with her this year and asked everybody, "What kind of tunes does everyone want to listen to?"

I told her, "Pon-tunes!"

Groans were had by everyone else on the boat.

Edit: We were on a pontoon boat, not a pond.

πŸ‘︎ 679
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πŸ‘€︎ u/admiralkit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2015
🚨︎ report
I wrote this while laughing at my daughters eye rolling.

To the tune of Row row row your boat.Roll roll roll your eyes because you are a teen. Your Mother and Father are very dumb and you know everything.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Speedbump71
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
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My kid complained because the t.v in the backseat of my van stopped working and he couldnt watch Dexters Lab.

I turned up the music and said "Here are some car tunes for you, son".

He started to cry and my wife yelled at me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boson707
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Queen Elizabeth visited an Edinburgh hospital recently...

She enters a ward full of patients, and notices that they’re all dressed in street clothes and have no obvious sign of injury or illness. The Queen approaches a patient and greets him. The patient replies:

β€œMy heart’s in the Highlands, my heart is not here, My heart’s in the Highlands, a-chasing the deer.”

The Queen is confused, but smiles and moves on to greet the next patient. The patient responds:

β€œSome hae meat an’ canna eat, And some wad eat tha’ want it, But we hae meat an’ we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit.”

Even more confused, and smiling even more broadly, the Queen moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant:

β€œMy love is like a red, red rose that’s newly sprung in June; My love is like the melody that’s sweetly played in tune.”

Now very confused, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, β€œIs this a psychiatric ward?”

β€œNo, Your Majesty,” replies the doctor. β€œThis is the serious Burns unit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatboyfat1981
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s Mario’s favourite time of day?

Dinner Dinner Dinner

(to the tune of level 1-2)

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/F1zzycola
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
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My car has been making a weird noise...

I took it to the mechanic, he said the harmonic balancer was the problem. I said is it sharp or is it flat? Either way, give me a tune up and I’ll be on my way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RastaTeddyBear
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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A London pun.

I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, and I've been crafting a lot more puns than usual. I wish I'd known about this subreddit sooner because I immediately forget them.

The latest was that we were on the Jubilee line on the London tube, and I asked her what Harry Potter's stop would be.

"Jubilee and Magic."

But I sung it to the tune of "do you believe in magic." She hates me.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ralusek
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
🚨︎ report
I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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Deja Moo

Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.

Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)


Now these are puns all about COWS

Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.

And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle

And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.


In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.

In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.

Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.

TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.


When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me

Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.

I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared

She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.


I whistled for a calf and when it came near

Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!

If anything I can say this STEAK is rare

But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!


I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8

More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.

So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,

Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.


Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrazyCasey412
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
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Got my wife twice

She made some comment about thinking about snakes right before bed (she hates snakes).

Me: "But you speak Parsel Tongue"

Her: "No I don't!"

Me: Sure, I've seen you talk to the UPS guy

Her: (groan)

A few minutes later she stated singing (to the tune of "Bad Boys")

"Dad joke, dad joke

Whacha gonna do?

Whacha gonna do....

Uhhh"

Me: "When we pun for you!"

I don't think she's talking to me anymore tonight.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SgtBrowncoat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2015
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A group of chickpeas are talking. One says that they really enjoys singing.

Another one in the group asks "Oh, really? How about you hummus a tune?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mondonodo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2015
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Whistling with my dad

in the car:

I wistle a random tune,

Dad: Hey! I know that song!

me: You do?

I'm confused because it was just a random tune.

dad: yea, it's the one that sounds like this wistles the same tune

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McGby128
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my wife last night

The kids were asleep and I just finished tuning up my wife's bike. "Take it for a spin" I said.

She hops on and says "I haven't ridden my bike since last summer!"

"You'll be fine!" I said. "It's like riding a bike."

I turn to my neighbour who was within ear-shot and he nods with a smirk of approval.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/texasdonut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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When Canadian cultural icons like Justin Bieber and Drake rap about money....

are the songs called Loonie Tunes?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sharksizzle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2016
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What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?

β€œYou can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish”

β€œWhat about the pot of glue”

β€œI knew you’d get stuck on that”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InstaMemesBad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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Dad - what's the difference between a piano, tuna and some glue?

Me: Don't know?

Dad: You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish

Me: What about the glue?

Dad: I knew you'd get stuck on that!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nibblemarble
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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My friend dropped this one on me today

Friend: What's the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue?

Me: What?

Friend: You can't tune a bench but you can Tuna fish!

Me: (Confused) What about the glue?

Friend: I thought you'd get stuck on that!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poerflip23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2014
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What do a fish, a guitar and glue have in common?

You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish?

What about the glue you ask? I knew you'd get stuck on that one.

(Another one by my 16 year old son.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimMcKeeth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2015
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