The owner of the Indianpolis Colts will be in trouble if he has to speak in court, because no matter what he says the judge will think...
A chameleon went to the doctor and said he was having trouble changing his colors. The doctor did some tests and called the chameleon. He informed the chameleon that unfortunately he was suffering from...
Went to the doctors and complained that I had trouble urinating.
"So, take these pills to cure your waterworks problem, then give me a tinkle." the doctor said.
What do you call an insect that's in trouble with the law?
I had real trouble getting a spoon out of the dishwasher.
How it got stuck up her butt I'd never know.
I'm in big trouble, you guys. I bought a set of fake pushpins and put them by the bulletin board in the IRS break room.
Now I'm wanted for tacks fraud.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
The teacher caught me stirring up trouble in chemistry class...
...so she sent me home with a colloidal suspension.
Why did the egyptians have trouble with acceptance?
Because the were in de-Nile.
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
I ran into the vets this morning and said to the blonde receptionist, "Quick, I think my daughters hamster is in serious trouble".
"Hamster?" she laughed, "That's a snake".
Why did the hand have trouble using its watch?
My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...
"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.
Why did the ram get in trouble for insulting the female sheep?
Cause he called her an ew!
A car battery was arrested by the cops for causing trouble at the bar
But they had to let him go, they couldn’t find anything to charge him with.
Have you heard about the guy who got in trouble for making a pun at school?
How did the Figure Skater know he was about to get in trouble?
Midget psychic was in trouble with the law
He was small medium at large
Daughter is having trouble homeschooling at the moment. "Argh i can't spell today..."
Why are Americans always getting in trouble in the Middle East?
I was going to get a tattoo in Madrid, but the tattoo artist I wanted to go to got in trouble for making some anti government tattoo art, which was quite a surprise
No one expects the Spanish ink sedition
I was having trouble with my computer, so I contacted IT support. The man said, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'
I said, 'Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.'
How do I know Abraham Lincoln never had trouble with the law?
Why did the mammoth get in trouble with the archaeologist for texting the dinosaur?
Because the mammoth was to young to predate the dinosaur.
I relabeled everything in the spice rack at home. I know my wife hasn't realized it though because I'm not in trouble yet
But I know my thyme is cumin
My neighbors couch has been in the hallway for 5 days. I want to attach jokes to the couch but I'm having trouble.
A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
I’ve been having trouble with my darts sticking to the board lately...
Parents used to get out the switch when the kids got in trouble, but now they take the kids' switch away.
I got in big trouble for the photos I sent to the women at the office.
I was so proud of my home improvement projects that I got caught sending them unsolicited deck pics.
Why did the Corn have trouble getting home
1 boy was named trouble and the other was called shutup. One day trouble got lost so shutup went to the police station and said ‘I lost my brother’. The police said ‘what is your name’ ‘shutup’ the police said ‘what did you say to me’ ‘shutup’. The police said ‘are you looking for trouble’ ‘yep’
A traffic cop went to the trouble of leaving a note under the wipers to let me know I'd positioned my car correctly.
It said "Parking fine". So that was nice.
A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him. He got in trouble for
Ending a sentence with a proposition.
What did the two maple trees get in trouble for when they crossed onto a farmer’s land?
A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."
"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."
The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.
"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."
"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."
"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"
"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."
Was having trouble using the Apple Pay reader on the vending machine at work.
Truck driver comes up puts two quarters in for me and says “you young people may have technology, but you don’t have any common cents.” 🤦🏻♂️🤣
My mom said she had trouble hitting the high notes in a karaoke song.
She said it was because she was too short and didn't have the right shoes on.
*after the train had had trouble stopping in the right spot for multiple consecutive stops* Mom: I guess the guy driving is new.
Dad: Maybe he's a trainee.
I almost got in trouble today when I walked out of the store with a wig.
Despite the fact that Johnny Depp really disappears into his characters, I never seem to have any trouble recognizing him in a movie.
I guess I just have good Depp perception.
The only time I get called "Sir" is when I'm in trouble.
Like, "Sir, you're gonna have to get out. The ball pit is for kids only Sir."...
Why did the coffee get in trouble?
Two friends named Trouble and Shut Up went hiking. Trouble went off the path and got lost so Shut Up went to the police to report him missing......
.....when asked his name by the cop filling out the report he replied Shut Up. The frustrated cop asked repeatedly for his name and was met each time with an equally frustrated and louder reply of SHUT UP! The cop got angry and then asked....hey man, are you looking for trouble? The reply back was "Yes! That's the reason I came here....I'm looking for Trouble!!!"
The alligator that works at my store is always getting people in trouble
He's a real in-store-gator!
My friend said he always had trouble understanding the plot of the Back to the Future movies, but he finally got it.
I relabelled the jars in our spice rack. I haven't gotten into trouble with my wife just yet...
... but the Thyme is Cumin!
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