The Slap Puns

I had to de-Nye him.

The bartender replies, "Why the big paws?"

You’re hitting rock bottom

He ended up coming to his senses

About time she slapped some cents into me.

Edit: get consent people

"Mr. Rock, may I slap your behind for the sake of an amazing pun that the people will remember for years to come"

I told him "Nah, that's a door"

That I realized I had hit rock bottom

I slapped my forehead, groaned and made a face.

She said "What's the matter?"

I said "I've got hey-fever."

(She slapped her forehead, groaned and made a face.)

Because he told a woman how nice her hair smelled.

I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom

So I figure this is a regular occurrence for people, and idk if anyone's posted about it before (if so my bad), but y'all ever get real worked up about gnats?

Like,

• It's not a mosquit-hoe.
• Still wants to bug me anyway.
• Can't call 911, so who do you call? S.W.A.T.?
• You can slap your knees as much as you want but it doesn't get any funnier.
• You might wonder if the gnat's a bit buzzed.

Sorry if these puns are so bad they fly over your head. Sometimes you just gotta wing it. 😉

Did this one on my friend, and she slapped me in the head.

Me: I got two jokes for you

Her: Okay, try it

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Her: Dunno

Me: To get to the house of the person who finally understood the joke

Her: I don't get it

Me: You don't? Isn't it obvious?

Her: No. I don't get it

Me: Okay okay, let me try the other joke

Her: Go ahead

Me: Knock Knock

Her: Who's there?

Me: The Chicken

Her *slap*

Guy:"Whats this about?" Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it? Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."

A lady came up behind me and slipped as well, I said I just did that, she slapped me and said use the toilet next time

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

Server: slaps customer THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

Dad: son if you lie the robot slaps you.

Son: ok

Dad: did you drink at the party?

Son : no dad i...

Robot slaps son on the face

Dad: did you do drugs?

Son: no i swear..

Robot slaps son on the face

Dad: sigh , why did you turn out like this? Back in the days all i did was studying and...

Robot slaps dad on the face

Mom: haha like father like son

Robot slaps mom on the face

Edit: sorry this is daddies i can go

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.

Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.

• What do you call a person that drinks too much?

addicted

• What do you call a person that uses too many drugs?

addicted

• What do you call a person that eats to much?

addicted

• What slapped you across the face last night?

addicted

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”

Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] "The men I please are none of your business !"....OOF

I have a five year old boy and a three year old boy.
They always tell me, "I'm hungry."

I respond with, "I'm Daddy nice to meet you hungry."

The five year old laughs and responds with, "Could you please make me something to eat." He gets it. But the three year old will continue to tell me, "I'm hungry."

Of course I will continue to respond that I'm Daddy. The other night the five year old coached my youngest. "Baby Noah. Say please. Daddy won't get us sumthin to eat."

Noah pauses and says, "Please Daddy. I'm hungry" Before I can respond the five year old, slaps his forehead and sighs, "No baby Noah you're not hungry." Noah looks confused and says, "I'm not?"

I couldn't stop laughing.

The cow has the udder one. (Knee slap)

This past weekend my wife and daughter were on th couch watching cartoons. I was in the kitchen and yelled,

"What do you guys want for breakfast."

My wife replied, "oh I don't know, whatever is easiest.... Omlette you decide."

This was followed by the sound of knee slapping, and her gasping for air laughing.

It was a real slap in the faith.

and says, “Give me two scoops of chocolate.”

The guy behind the counter says, “I’m sorry sir, we’re out of chocolate.”

The man replies with, “well, in that case...hm... give me two scoops of chocolate.”

The guy behind the counter says, “Sir, I’m sorry but we’re out of chocolate.”

The man, thinking hard this time says, “Well, I want two scoops of chocolate.”

The guy behind the counter, now irate, says, “Sir, can you spell the straw in strawberry?”

“S-T-R-A-W”

“Can you spell the van in vanilla?”

“V-A-N”

“Can you spell the fuck in chocolate?”

The man thinks for a second and says, “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”

The guy behind the counter slaps the countertop with his hand and says, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! There is no fuckin’ chocolate.”

Picture a road like this, covered in traffic cones and traffic slowed to a crawl.

Dad: An ice cream van crashed here this morning.

Me: Really?

Dad: Yeah, look at all the cones on the road.

*slaps steering wheel in delight

It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

Here's a scanned excerpt, via Imgur.

Transcript (Important part in boldface):

Extremely pragmatic and frugal in nature -- "a lot of stuff I see people buying is completely nonessential" -- Paul has a soft spot for absolutely any joke, and the more esoteric, the better. Instead of his proper name on his office template, "The Buck Stops Here" appears. The other day, he stopped me in the hallway and asked "What will the people carrying the coffin at my funeral be called?"

I wait.

"Paul bearers", he declares, followed by a knee-slapping hearty guffaw.

EDIT: Fixed Imgur link.

My friend was wearing a t-shirt with some wording on the back. One of the words had the letter b in it. His uncle slapped him on the back and said "sorry, there was a b on your back". All I could think was, "this guy gets it, he knows humor"

A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless

The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference. On the other hand, we have those who don’t try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limb’er up and take charge.

Background: My priest and cantor came to bless my house today. Afterwards, we were talking a bit and he made a pretty funny joke. I laughed and said "That's a pretty funny dad joke!"

His response: "That's Father Joke to you."

Cue the eye roll and forehead slap from the cantor.

Getting out of the shower I slapped grabbed and jiggled my wife's butt, she responded with an uuugghhh, can you not? I said yeah what do you need a bow knot, square knot, tie knot? I know a lot of knots. Naturally I got the expected eye roll and another long drawn out uuuugggghhhhh.

..that the EPA slapped me with a fine.

You've really hit rock bottom.

Now I’ve really hit rock bottom.

I think I've hit rock bottom.

The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"

The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."