I showed up late to work and my boss asked why, I told him it was so slippery when I got halfway to work that every step I took, I slipped 2 steps backward. He asked, then how in the world did you get here?
I said I gave up and started walking home.
^(disclaimer: am not a dad)
I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up..
I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
I tried to put my son down for a nap today, but he cried and refused. I was very surprised when the police showed up 15 minutes later, cuffed him, and took him away.
When I asked them what law he'd broken, they told me he was resisting a rest.
My daughter (6) and I were watching a show where the phrase “gelatinous mass” came up..
..so I blurted out, “That’s what jellyfish call church!”
rimshot
The Discovery Channel is starting a new reality show in a bodybuilder gym where they take away their protein supplements...
...There's No Whey I'm missing that one.
Did you hear about the judge who showed up to court without his shirt, pants, or socks on?
They call him Justice Shoes...
A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6
There's a new show on BBC where heroin junkies can determine via experts, how much money they've shot up over the years.
It's called,Cash in the Addict.
I went to the hippie bookstore to see Noam Chomsky give a lecture on linguistics. I was excited, so i showed up a bit early. When i arrived, there was already a jar of fresh herbs in line ahead of me. I guess it’s true what they say.
Thyme waits for Noam, man.
I have heard that single moms like it when men roll up their sleeves to show their forearms
If that is the case, I might be stuck being a single dad forever with my two arms.
Preliminary discussions show that the higher-ups at Bass Pro Shops couldn't agree on whether to raise the price for fishing rods
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
All the seats were already taken.
Recently watched an Australian cooking show where the chef got applauded for making meringue
Strange...usually Australians boo meringue
A bee shows up, at the hive, wearing a yarmulke…
A fellow bee say, “What’s with that? You’re not Jewish.” He said, “I know, I just don’t want people to think I’m a wasp.”
A comedian would do a set, each show, where he sprinted to either side of the stage with his mouth tied up.
I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience clapped when the chef made meringue
I was surprised since Australians normally boo meringue
What did Ronald McDonald say when MTV showed up at his house?
Why did the judge's lunch show up so fast to the courthouse.
Because it was a court order.
I got a box of dad jokes for Christmas, this was the first joke it shows:
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
It means a lot
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
Where can you find all the famous fish hanging out before an awards show?
Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time...
Got outside and she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds
When a long-necked bird showed up to poker night, I thought he'd never fit in.
But now he's just swan of the guys.
Batman invited all the superheroes for a discussion on Bitcoin. Superman didn't show up
Because it was Crypto-night
I surprised my girlfriend tonight when I showed up with a Ski mask and a dozen flowers.
She said she liked masked man dates.
What did Bob Marley and the Whalers do with the money from their shows?
They put it in their Joint Account.
Was on FaceTime with my wife and she was showing me how she was roasting garlic in the oven
My 10y/o walks into the frame, leans down to the garlic now sitting on the cook top and says “Yo mama is so fat she plays pool with the planets!” Then looks dead ass at the phone and says “Hey Dad, I just roasted the garlic too!”
I’m so proud.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
The deaf girl didn’t show up to her court case yesterday
They were going to make a second series of the TV show, Ironside, but In the end the lead actor pulled out...
He was tired of being pushed around
My wife, watching The Great British Baking Show...
My wife, watching The Great British Baking Show: "They're making Bao"
Me: "Have they done that before?"
Her: "I don't think so "
Me: "Then I guess it's a Bao Time"
I came up with a joke where you remove the letters C and H.
But I forgot the pun line.
Boss shows up to the job site and asks, “How we looking?”
I replied, “With our eyes.”
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
What did they give the cannibal that showed up late to lunch?
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
No one from my software development team showed up for our meeting this morning.
Did you hear of the medical student who overzealously showed excitement over an opportunity to partake in a non-paying beginning program assisting an internal medicine doctor through a website? That’s right, the student showed intense internist interning interest over the internet
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Conference.
All the seats were already taken.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she didn't show up
I guess we aren't going to work out
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but he never showed up.
I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up.
I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
I invited my hot date to the gym for a training session, but she didn't show up.
That's when I knew that we weren't going to work out.
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