Elon musk
...you would be Nose-tradamus
Iβm calling it: Elon Musk
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘Turns out he really appreciates the scent of mint.
the scent of old spies gave him away
It's about essential oil people dying from preventable diseases. It's titled "The Seventh Scents"
Their method for hunting polar bears was the most interesting. They would start a fire out on a deep snow bank, and essentially melt a hole in the snow. Once the hole was big enough they would stop feeding it firewood and let it burnout on its own. Once the fire had gone down and was nothing more than smoldering ashes with a little bit of smoke, they would line the edge of the fire pit with snow peas.
All they had to do from there is hide and wait. Once a bear caught scent of the smoke and starts to investigate, the bear would eventually start eating some of the peas. Then they sneak up behind it and kick it in the ash-hole.
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked.
I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
Thatβs my two scents..
I hope you are not incensed by the involuntary groan you just made.
So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!
My pregnant wife, whose sense of smell is extremely heightened, complains about the smell of coffee as it is being brewed.
My response is that it is heaven scent
Chris Pine - Pine scented
Cocoa Chanel - Hot cocoa scented
Beth Crow-ley - Rain, nighttime, and city streets scented
Tom Holly-and - Holly berry scented
JK Row-ling - Lakes and campfire scented
Miley Cypress - Cypress scented
Bob Moss - Forest and moss scented
Juniper Aniston - Juniper scented
Katy Berry - Mixed berry scented
Britney Spearmint - Spearmint scented
Bread Pitt - Bread scented
Tom Cruise - Ocean, salty, alcohol scented
Aurora - Nighttime, wind, whimsical scented
Nicole Kidman - baby powder scented
Justin Beaver - Wood, nature scented
Elvis Parsley - Parsley scented
Steve Cobs - Corn on the cob scented
Banana Montana - Banana scented
Orange Winfrey - Orange scented
Chris Bat - Nighttime, caves, and bats scented
Zoey Salad-ana - Salad, lettuce, leafy greens, tomato, cheese scented
Dwayne the Rock - Mountains, earthy, fresh, crisp, wind scented Jennifer Joe-pez - Nice hot cup oβ joe scented
Chicken Corbin Blue - Chicken and cheese and ham scented
Robert Brownie Jr. - Brownie scented
Sardine-a Gomez - Sardine scented
Daniel Rad-Clif - Clif bar blueberry flavor scented
Leonardo Di-Carp-rio - Fish scented
Halle Berry - Mixed scented
Demi Tomato - Tomato scented
Kevin Bacon - Bacon scented
Mandy Sβmore - Sβmores scented
Mackerel-more - Fish scented
Broccoli Obama - Broccoli scented
WILL.I.SPAM. - Spam scented
Mark Buffalo Wings - Buffalo wing scented
John Lemon - Lemon scented
Shakiramisu - Tiramisu scented
Egg Sheeran - Eggs scented
Benedict Cucumber Patch - Cucumber scented
Adille - Dill scented
Kevin Spicy - Taco scented
Channing Potatum - Potato scented
Melon DeGeneres - Melon scented
Danny Burrito - Burrito scented
Michaelanjello - Red jello scented
Harry Panini - Panini scented
Snoop Hot Dog - Hot dog scented
Paris Hilton - Paris, city of love, generic love perfume scented
Morgan Whipped Cream-in - Whipped cream scented
Mike Fryson - French fry scented
Henry David Thoreaut Lozenge - Cough drop scented
Raisin Williams - Raisin scented
Robert Frosty - Vanilla ice cream scented
Jeff Onion-blum - Onion ring scented
Tom Skittle-ston - Skittles scented
Ralph Waldo M&Mson - Chocolate scented
Malt Whitman - Malt scented
(Friend and I came up with these on the ride down to Boston for a concert, after the βI wonder what Chris Pine smells like?β joke was brought up again from a previous time hanging out. Iβm particularly proud of Bob Moss and Zoey Salad-ana.)
As they order their drinks, the bartender asks, βWhoβs paying for these?β
The skunk says βDonβt look at me, Iβve only got one scentβ
The doe replies βnot me, I havenβt had a buck in years!β
The duck answers βSorry, I only have one bill on meβ
Finally, the giraffe chimes in βDonβt worry guys, the high balls are on meβ
...and this morning she said she could still smell it.
I told her to cover the scent by spraying some Pho-breze
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.
I call refer to that feeling as my "sick sense"
I hope that joke wasn't too dull, but hey, it only cost six scents.
Not to be mistaken for a half dozen walking trees from Lord of the Rings⦠You know, Six Ents.
You don't need a sixth sense to know this can't go on forever.
>Do you know where the smartest and most reasonable people work? > At the US mint, because all they do is make cents!
I thought it was over and then two minutes further into the lecture.... >Do you know where else really smart and reasonable people work? > At a perfume factory! All they do is make scents!
Now I am just sitting here posting this and trying to think of more puns...
Then proceeded to walk out and say "NO WORRIES, I've sprayed the bathroom with orange scented febreze, now it smells like shitrus."
Did you hear about the broken change machine?
It doesn't make cents.
How about the skunk that couldn't spray?
It doesn't make scents either.
My wife keeps going on about the horror stories she hears at work of fires starting due to candles. I decided to develop my own candle which doesn't produce heat and therefore there is no risk of a fire. It only makes scents.
Would this be considered a dad joke or an 18/19th century dad joke? Either way, I just about walked out the building after reading this.
ME: Hi Tom,
Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today and if there is anything we can do in the future, please don't hesitate to ask.
I was hoping you would be able to leave a Yelp review for other potential clients to see. I know that we will not be working together anymore, but we would really appreciate the feedback.
Thomas Jefferson: Matt,
Happy to offer you an encomium, however, I know of no connection between hounds striking the line of scent on a fox and complimenting a business enterprise of the 21st century.
The first joke was while we were watching tv and a commercial for the new show Atlantis came on, and dad said, "I hear that show is already under water."
The second was when we all got our stockings. Mom had given us scented pencils, and dad said, "You know what those are for right? It's so your writing doesn't stink"
Coworker A complained about the scent of yogurt in Coworker B's lunch. Coworker B replies "Well I guess your not very cultured, are you?"
My daughter, sitting in the passenger seat: I think I know what's causing that rattling sound in the car. It's this bottle of perfume.
Me: That makes sense.
Daughter: Oh, daaaaad.
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Y'know, scents.
When the tab came they pooled their money to pay.
The Duck had a bill
The Frog had a greenback.
The deer had a buck.
The Skunk had a scent.
Then the giraffe said,"Don't worry boys, the High Balls are on me."
So I just got back from a run, and must have eaten something earlier, because as soon as I came inside, I ripped a really loud, nasty fart. I jokingly blamed it on her, and she laughed a bit until she smelled it. As she was busy plugging her nose I lay this on her.
Me: Well you know what they say, the one that smelt it is the one that dealt it. Her: That's not funny, I know it was you, that saying doesn't make any sense right now. Me: I think it makes a lot of scents. Wah-waaah..
Slow start:
So I was combining two hand sanitizer bottles while waiting on some computer function to complete, one was a scented and dyed blue while the other was regular clear handbleach. In the end I have a bottle of half clear half blue.
So I make wide panic eyes, hold up the bottle for my coworker to see and tell him "Oh shit, %coworkerβ I really blew it this time"
3/4 techs approve this dadjoke
The gift made a lot of scents.
Edit:spelling
My sister was drawing with scented markers and held up the orange one and exclaimed...
Her: "This one smells like oranges!"
Me: "Well that only makes scents."
Followed by my mother groaning.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit β‘