True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.
It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"
"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store
But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not
My wife told me to pick up cheese dip for the New Years Eve party.
Every year around this time, my family and I go out to the woods to pick out and cut down our own menorah.
How did the moose pick his next mate?
A quick game of fuck, fuck, moose.
Dad drives to the local high school and picks up his son.
Son: “Dad, put me down, you’re embarrassing me.”
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...
... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
How did the Roman senators pick who will stab the emperor first?
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
The definition of a pick up game.
A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment he’s been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. “13?”, the scientist asks, “I wanted a dozen!”
The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”
I just went to the shop to pick up eight cans of Sprite,
But when I got home I realised I’d only picked 7Up.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
In an attempt to teach him shapes, I told my 2-year-old son to pick out the 3-sided shape with a 90 degree angle. He picked one...
It was the right triangle.
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn't pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
I called my wife and asked her if I should pick up Fish and chips on the way home from work and she hung up.....
She's still angry she let me name the kids
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
We’re going to pick up my glasses from the optometrist
What are we doing next? We’ll see.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I went to the store yesterday to pick up 6 cans of sprite
It wasn't till I got home that I realised I'd picked 7-up!
A geography teaches picks two students, one an exchange student from Japan and the other a native, to answer a question about state capitals. “What is the capital of Ohio?”, the teacher asks.
The native student answers “Cleveland”, much to the teacher’s chagrin. The Exchange student on the other hand, answers “It’s a bit late, but Gozaimasu!”
Did you hear about the guy who's been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
Where’s the best place to pick up chicks?
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
The dirtiest clean joke I know...
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
Credit to Redd Foxx
An aspiring beekeeper went to a farmer’s market to pick up a small hive. They placed an order for a dozen bees. When picking up the bees, the seller handed them a case of thirteen bees. Noticing the extra bee, the keeper pointed it out to the seller.
The seller said, “Oh, that last one is a freebee!”
Usually I pick the Royal Mail as a deliverer for my purchases
It's because they do it door-tudor
The Miami Dolphins have three first round picks in this year’s NFL Draft.
I guess you can say there are more than TUA picks for them.
At amusement parks, when the line splits, we never pick the right line.
I tried to pick up the TV remote with my foot the other day.
My laziness is getting a little out of hand.
Son, when you walk the dog you have to pick up its poop
Bought a pick the other day and put it on my mantle.
It’s a hell of an ice breaker
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly!"
"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name...
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize! Why would anyone pick on you?!"
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