The Offspring Puns

I said I wanted to take more programming classes because I really liked the one I took last year.

My offspring tells me they can't take any computer classes.

Confused, I asked why.

"Because I'm non-binary"

True story, happened last night. I have never been so proud.

It would've created a parrot-ox.

An elevator can raise a family.

How?

It's a perfect em-mule-ation.

Because they're lion cheetahs.

(Say it slowly) A son of a Pitch-er

Pump kin.

Sons of batches

I'm eggnostic.

Bison

JSON

Cause, "You gotta keep 'em separated!"

So I hit him right between the eyes

Inbread.

Because they were inbread.

They walked through the flower gardens at the park. They skimmed stones across the lake. They fed the ducks bread.

It was a perfect Sunday.

Then daddy tomato had a call that his brother was in hospital. Across the road was a bus destined for that very place.

They ran back through the park dodging ducks and tripping on stones and getting tangled in foliage. Baby tomato was starting to lag a little. So daddy tomato, in a panic, shot glances at the arriving bus and his helpless offspring. He Ran to his son and with all his might squashed him into the pavement with his Dr Martins boots and said

"Ketchup"

The Offspring

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Apparently, my male offspring won't be able to drive but would rather stop the car whenever he sees an empty space.

I've got parking son disease.

...and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants.

Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw.

"What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!"

"Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."

the sultans offspring

'Hey, /thechristy, what's this key go to?' 'The front door. You should take it. I already have one' 'Nah. I don't think I will. It's just too door-key for me.'

I face-palmed. And cue the satisfied grin of father who dad-joked his offspring. Again.