Did you see in the news, that artist who varnished his girlfriend with cheese?
I learned something new about cemeteries; the people in its town aren't the ones being buried there. Do you know why?
It's because they're still alive.
Did you hear that the new Obi-Wan show from D+ isn't going to have Liam Neeson in it?
Apparently his role was taken.
Have you seen who's playing the lead in the new Blind Batman film?
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks “What are you counting?”
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham
A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks “why should I hire you?” The applicant responded “I have a special talent!”
“Oh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.
The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.
At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!
“You’re hired!!” He exclaimed.
The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.
The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.
A bystander asked “who is he?”
The priest responded “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”
Did you hear about the viagara truck hijacked in New York the other day?
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
Did you hear about the new LEGO store in the neighbourhood?
Folks are lining up for blocks!
Did you hear what the New York Times editor-in-chief said on their last day?
"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today."
Have you guys heard about those new corduroy pillowcases in the news?
I'm sure you have, they're really making head lines.
Remember the good old days, before the pandemic? It used to be you could meet new people, maybe even fall in love and get married.
Now I’m just dating myself
Did you hear about the highway being built by the college in New Orleans?
How much trash do you have to throw in the ocean to make a new country?
An old man was telling his friend about his new hearing aid, "the greatest in the world!" "You can hear a pin drop."
Friend: Wow! What kind is it?
Old man: quarter past 2.
Did you hear about the new vasectomy doctor in town?
His name is Howie snippem. Specialist in Circumcisions. He works for tips.
"Cheer up, you could be a replacement stake in the ground for barbed wire to stretch upon," said one new joke to another.
"Yeah, I guess I could be a repost," said the other new joke.
Did you hear the story in the news about the man who planned to replace his head with a rabbits?
What a hare-brained scheme.
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
After he installs the new granite surfaces in your kitchen, does the Cabinet Maker hand you
Have you heard about the new restaurant in moon?
Good food, but no atmosphere.
Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?
You can rearrange the letters in “new door” to create one word.
A condom manufacturer kept getting criticized because its new gimmicks never did anything for women. So they did what any good company would do and went to the most knowledgeable frog in the world for advice. You know what the frog said?
My girlfriend and I were looking at a new apartment today. It seemed nice, but I was disappointed by the lack of furniture in the dining room. "What do you think?" She asked.
Have you seen the new pen that writes underwater, upside down and in outer space?
It writes lots of other words too.
Did you guys hear about the new cemetery in town?
People are just dying to get in there
Did you guys hear the news an ape opened a tanning salon in Bangkok I know heard he named it “A Range Of Tans”
Did you hear about the new tv show in Mexico based off Survivor?
It’s called “ There can only be Juan”
Did you hear about the peanut that was in the news?
It turns out he was a-salted.
Have you heard about the new meta joke in this sub? I'll tell you, its in the tag
My friend’s girlfriend wrote “Will you marry me?” on a piece of paper and hid it in his sandwich. Bad news: He didn’t see it and ate the whole thing.
Good news: He pooped the question the next morning.
Have you seen the new Sylvester Stallone movie set in the middle east?
Mr. Van Gogh, the good news is that you are in excellent health.
Bad News: You have one ear to live.
You could say I archive the ocean's news in...
current events for people to sea.
Did you hear about the new synagogue built in the orchard?
I hear they have apple jews there.
With all the upsetting news in the world today, here's something to cheer you up.
When you're an English major and your dad tries to use "the new slang" in his jokes
You must be having a good semester then since all your classes are Lit
Have you seen who they have cast in the new film "The Blind Batman"?
Did you hear about the new cemetery in town?
People are dying to get in.
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