At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak and my boss said, β€œI like it well done!”

I said, β€œThanks. That means a lot to me.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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My wife's been re-watching the TV show 'Medium'...

I asked her if she'd seen the hard-to-find special season they made towards the end of the show's run.

She gave me a puzzled and intrigued look and wanted to know more info on it.

I told her I believe that specific season is commonly called 'Medium Rare'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/braxistExtremist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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Why did the medium cross the road?

To speak to the other side!

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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Why are puns the only joke medium that are measured in how good they are by how volitole the reaction is?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirRettfordIII
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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It was about rape so the pun is better. Original post https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/bq2qvn/peta_parent_freaks_out_at_my_animal_abusing_ways/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFluDisease
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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Why can’t mediums prove that they can speak to the dead?

It’s not an exact seanceβ€”it’s more of a pseudoseance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bushrow
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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I went to a restaurant with two friends the other day one of them ordered a rare steak and the other asked for a medium rare steak. When we got our food they had each other's steaks,

I then instinctively yelled "I guess this was just a big 'mistake'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GriffinGelz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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What did the Medium say at the fatherhood convention?

I see dad people.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0okie5
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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Now days, people don't use the name Lance very often

In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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r/NatureIsFuckingLit, right?
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OctoBear87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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I used to play the triangle in a Reggae band but I left though

It was just one ting after another.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebellionRob75
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Helsinki
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LMgamer36
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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A midget who was a fortune teller robbed a bank

The call went out that a small medium was at large

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EndymionMM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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My kid wanted to talk to ghosts; we found three guys willing to intervene. One was very tall, one was very short and the other was mid-sized.

I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwarvenfriend
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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A dwarf who was a mystic escaped from jail.

The news said there was a small medium at large.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeJoey2004
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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A local circus caught fire today

It was in tents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TopperMadeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My son stole some sandpaper

It wasn't a serious crime, so the judge imposed the medium fine, payable in due coarse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcskjb
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Tell me ONE thing wrong with heavy tourism in Hawaii. Go on.

Isle weight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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The cannibal living next to me caught and killed a clairvoyant...

He only put her in the oven for only half an hour though.

Apparently he likes his medium rare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Very int-arresting
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Extrahub
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For His-panic attacks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..

..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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A dwarf psychic robbed a bank today.

The news reported that there's a small medium at large.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Why do the Hong Kong police wake up early?

To beat the crowd.

Edit: All credit goes to u/AleoMoorea, who posted it here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMasonX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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Avengers: Infinity Car
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctordoom55
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Donald, Duck" anymore when the president is about to be attacked

But their grandchildren still listen, in spite of rule 4, because hearing dear old grand-da be excited about his stories is just so sweet, whether he remembers tellin them or not

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The__Odor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you, I have contacts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAccountofBrian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
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People say that dad jokes aren't very clever.

But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/picturelife
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
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There has been some good news today as a plus-size clairvoyant announces they are releasing a charity calendar, with pictures of them in their underwear.

Fans of the psychic say that they are looking forward to seeing a large medium in smalls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megamouth2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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In the spirit of sharing our kids attempts at dad jokes,

My daughter had to wire an essay about her hobby, which is softball. Her opener:

Pitcher this, you’re standing on a mound.

I was overwhelmed, and more proud than ever. She threw in some other puns too, it was an excellent essay, she’s giving me a run for my money, I batter watch out.

Edit: thank you u/PsychicGnome for the reminder that my kids are better parents than I am

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnionShanty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.

You can hide, but you can't run.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/casualredditor0
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?

Well, that seals the deal!

It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NePasToucher
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a fortune teller's shop

He asks to have his future read and the fortune teller happily does so. After gazing into her crystal ball she starts to laugh uncontrollably. The man hits her immediately to which the teller asks: Why did you do that??????? The man replies, I've never struck a happy medium before

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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We found two dead birds on our morning walk.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThrowAwayFor30yo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Did you hear about the fraudulent, short in stature fortune teller who escaped from jail?

The newspaper headline read β€˜Small Medium at Large’.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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Why did the medium cross the road?

To talk to the other side

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdollard333
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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Any steak puns in the house? I hear they are a rare medium well done...
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/helrob21
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
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Why did the medium cross the road?

To get to the other side

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darth_Yohanan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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Why did the Psychic Medium cross the road?

To get to the other side.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wallagm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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What's upstairs?

Unfortunately, the stairs don't talk.

I'll give credit where credit is due.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnlovedHustle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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