I received an email where someone made some comments about a group of people called Mark. The subject? ...
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
The road markings are barely visible after years of use
but there are already nuance on the way.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks “What are you counting?”
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
Just saw Mark Knopfler walking down the Road...
He was carrying a 19th century French masterpiece under his arm and a cage with 2 baby birds in his hand.
I asked how much they were and he said, "I got my Monet for nothing and the Chicks for free".
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
What is the opposite of isolate?
Today marks the 77th anniversary that my grandfather was responsible for bringing down 4 German bombers in one day during the war
He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
All hail the holy antlers of the deer god
It just occurred to me that the opposite of Artificial Intelligence is …
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
The Adventures of the Mathmagician (an educational and punny comic).
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
What's the opposite of ladyfinger?
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
What is the hairiest side of a gorilla?
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
What's the best time of day on a clock?
The other day my dog fell into a lake and was drowning. Then some German guy came out of nowhere and saved his life
After I thanked him, he said to me: "Don't vorry, just dry him off and keep him varm, he vill be fine"
I asked him, "Are you a vet?"
He answered, "Am I vet? I'm soaking"
If Mark has been accused of plagiarizing my content; Mark!? My words.
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
What was the name of Robin Hood's Dad?
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...
The invention of the shovel was ground breaking..
But the invention of the broom really swept the nation
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
I took him to the bar and had a few drinks. Nice guy. He wants to be a web designer.
Did you know Mortal Kombat was actually based off of the religious music of Scandinavia?
Since pirate jokes are all the rage… What is a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
Recently, I was asked "Which invention of the 20th century is the most remarkable?"
After a moment I replied, "Dry erase boards, certainly."
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?
I just got a new job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us on the production line
so I have to make every second count.
My wife was explaining the idea of investing to my daughter
After a good explanation of savings, stocks, returns, etc, I pointed out there's another definition she should understand too. At some point in her life she may decide to put on a sweater without sleeves. When she does that, she's invest.
I wish my kid would listen to me when I tell him about the dangers of Russian Roulette
It goes in one ear and out the other.
Did you hear about the person who lost the entire left side of their body?
What kind of trees grown in the bathroom?
Toilet-trees
.....I'll show myself out
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