George Washington predicted that some day in the future, a dollar bill will contain his likeness.
In that sense, he was on the money.
I made a sculpture in the likeness of my dear old dad: an infamous jewel thief who has never been caught.
Although now he's been busted.
Why does the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"?
She probably gets royalties
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
Told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud.
"It should, it was fresh ground this morning. "
When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand,
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange,
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw,
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!
In New Zealand you see
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo Ray.
A comedian ham,
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham,
Is so full and so crammed,
That s'more, eh.
When you've had quite enough,
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", eh?
Beer is like the sun...
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Which cheese is most likely to become the pope?
If you were to accidentally drop your waffle at the beach, it would most likely happen in...
I like how the Earth rotates,
How do you call someone who likes to read on the summer?
I like to shout out to the people who...
...don't know what the opposite of in is!
I liked the Frozen movie ending...
It was warm and well thawed out.
A sunflower walked into a restaurant around noon. The waiter asks "where would you like to sit?"
"by the window," the sunflower responded. "I'm only here for a light meal."
Why did the caveman musician like to play during landslides?
Cause it was a real rock concert
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones
But people in Abu Dhabi Do!
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
"Why do you like my music so much?" The grape asked his fans.
The fans responded: "Because your music just raisinates with us!"
Laughing off the pun his fans had just made, the grape replied: "Well, that's raisinable!"
the inside smells like sex and candy..
Why is the letter T like an island?
Because they are both in the middle of waTer
The other day somebody asked me if I liked the office
I told them It depends on how much work I have pending
I would like to thank my dad for teaching me the word "apportion".
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
Friend: ...my wife is uncomfortable with them because they’ve joined the church of Satan. Like, he showed me his membership card. They’re paid members, man.
Me: well; someone has to pay the devil’s dues
Friend: damn it.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked.
I wondered if I’d ever have the strength to hold things together like I used to
"Hey son, would you like to watch the airplane take off?"
Julius Caesar was coming out of McDonald's. Brutus asked him if he liked the burger.
Caesar nodded in the affirmative and then added "ate two, Brutus."
(My dad actually texted me this joke this morning. I’m 31 years old.)
My 3yo is in a phase where he makes up words a lot, and today I heard him singing "Crotch-ohs, crotch-ohs" over and over. I told my wife, "That sounds like the worst breakfast cereal ever..."
"But at least it's made with whole groins."
My sister said I looked like a German composer and musician of the Baroque period, especially when wearing my powdered wig... So I changed everything and it changed my life!
I haven't looked Bach since!
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man
What is the weather always like above Google's headquarters?
A man was tired of drinking well water as he didn't like the taste. In fact, he hated it so much that he decided to destroy the well using dynamite. Unfortunately...
How do we know the Joker likes soap operas?
Because some men just want to watch the world turn.
What do people who like to annoy grammar snobs call it when you leave the Great Lakes unprotected?
Why don't people like having conversations with the ocean?
Because it's always salty!
Why did the dad like to skip everywhere instead of walk?
He wanted to put his best foot forward
I’d like to thank Merriam-Webster for teaching me the meaning of the word “plethora”.
I went to the doctor and said, I feel like a bucket
Doctor said, you do look a bit pale
Just looks like they’re hounding the bitch to me 😂
My dad didn't like the decision in Roe vs Wade
He said you had to see what type of river it was before you decide how to cross it.
Why do cats like computers the best?
I don't like music in the key of E minor
It gives me a case of the E G B Gs
My wife asked how I keep track of all my dadjokes from Reddit. I told her that I write the ones I like on little yellow...
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
Like a good Grandpa I share with my 12 yr old Grandson the amazement of r/dadjokes regularly. He thinks you all are totally cool. I told him there is much power here. How? He asked. Let me demonstrate... With the diahrrea song.. I'll start.
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
A man tells his friend he likes the markers that write thinner because they're easier to draw with
His friend says "you make a fine point."
Yeah, it does look like you see the dent-ist.
Why can't beggers be allowed in court for selection to the Jury box like any other non felon citizen?
Cuz, beggers can't be choosers!
I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
I would like to start doing Yoga but I can never find the time to.
I like to think the person who invented the umbrella called it brella.
I’d like to highlight the important part of my argument
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
Why doesn’t the guy like to wear a mask?
He said it lowers his maskulinity.
At the store, my daughter found a shirt she liked on clearance. My wife asked her how much it cost.
I said "well, she just dropped it, so I'm gonna guess it's floor dollars."
My daughter actually gave me a fist bump for that one, which she now denies doing.
People might like the idea of driving a transparent car, but I don’t.
Why did the chicken like to shop at the dollar store?
I thought the defense would like my joke about the quarterback
I guess it was too offensive
Duct tape is like the Force.
It has a dark side and a light side, and it holds the universe together.
Martha had always listened to her parents when they said ‘stay away from fire’, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.
Martha was burning with curiosity
Being born in Europe is like going to the bathroom...
...if you're not apoopin', European.
One wind turbine asks the other one “what kind of music do you like?”
The other one says “I’m a heavy metal fan.”
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Just got my new keyboard. Looks like the keys are taking things quite literally.
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
Every time I travel to a new city, I like to take a picture of myself in front of the tomes of books...
I just have to take shelfies!
I like jokes about the eyes
I feel like I've regressed to an earlier age because of all the social distancing.
Jeez, I went to Sweden because my wife wanted to but I didn't want to but now they closed their boarders and now that we went around the place and, I kinda like it
I guess I have Stockholm syndrome.
I asked my daughter which state she likes most in the USA, but she didn't answer!
It's ok, Alaska again later.
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs...
Well that’s a different story.
Out air conditioning just went out, it's 81°F in the house. My dog is looking at me like...
My wife insisted she has nudist genes
I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans
Edit: there->their
Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!
How does Harry Potter like to get to the bottom of a hill? Walking
Why does the pope like swiss cheese?
I finally got the Spotify cake. You guys like my posts right?
Sometimes, I like to sit down in the shower
And pretend I'm the captain of a sinking submarine
I can't remember which comedian this was
I have always liked to browse the internet
I was pondering some of the practical arts that are dying out like silversmithing and coppersmithing.
One of the most tragic is the art of hand making exit signs which is really on the way out.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
I asked a wind turbine whether it liked "Blowin' in the Wind"
"Of course," it said, "I'm a big fan!"
You know the old saying “Time flies like arrows”?
Well fruit flies like bananas!
Why is a Catholic Mass like The Gunfight At The O.K. Corral?
TIL: George Washington predicted that eventually the $1 bill will contain his likeness.
In that regard, he was on the money.
I made a sculpture in the likeness of my dear old dad: an infamous jewel thief who has never been caught.
Although now he's been busted.
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