Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. β€œMy wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. β€œWhat makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, β€œLast week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, β€˜My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cockneybastard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2022
🚨︎ report
My husband told me today he’s been having unusual bowel movements for the last few days. I told him to keep notes and speak to his doctor about it.

He said, so you think I should keep a log log?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2022
🚨︎ report
A couple of days ago a man from Korea came to r/uruguay looking for help to make the worlds biggest sandwich. Last night (8:00PM for me - 8:00AM for him) we made it posible!
πŸ‘︎ 97
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sgtobnoxious
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Beethoven's grave has been eerily playing music the last few days.

The cemetery keeper has told people not to worry, he's just decomposing.

EDIT down-voting because you can't Handel this level of humor is a crime against humanity.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blu186
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2015
🚨︎ report
I met a Kung Fu master who has stayed in 30 yurts in the last 30 days

He's on a roundhouse kick.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyDabomb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Asked my dad how does he feel, since he was sick the last couple days...

He says "like everyone else, with my fingers"

πŸ‘︎ 171
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkTacoPounder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
🚨︎ report
I've been relentlessly referring to Thanksgiving as "T Gives" for the last 3 days...

My 8 year old just got so pissed off she threw my phone at me from across the car. Worth it!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lakesharkyshake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
🚨︎ report
My band teacher didn’t show up the last 3 days of the school.

I guess you can say it was Three Days Grace.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cfalconssbb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I've been sick the last few days and my sleep schedule has been pretty erratic. I didn't even the time change.

The missing hour just flu by!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Gnome
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My coworker complained about the near constant overcast the last few days...

I told him to get used to the new stratus quo.

No reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the1nonlyevilelmo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2016
🚨︎ report
Today is the last day of October

Then it’s Octover

Edit: my girl dropped this on me a few days ago, I can’t take credit.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2022
🚨︎ report
My doctor suggested that I start doing crunches so I've been doing crunches twice a day now for the last month.

Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon. Not really sure how that's supposed to help but I like doing them a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kevindavis338
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2022
🚨︎ report
I found a lump on my neck that has gotten bigger every day for the last few weeks.

The Doctor asked if I wanted him to remove it, but I don't know.

It's kinda growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Wheuss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2022
🚨︎ report
Heres a poem for the last day of school

Don't be sad that school has passed, just be glad they passed your ass.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2022
🚨︎ report
I’ve been on my iPad talking with this girl I met one day on FaceTime for the last 3 weeks

I guess you could say things are getting pretty Siri-us.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leedlelee871
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2022
🚨︎ report
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend just told me the last episodes of Big Bang Theory are "as terrible as a hot summer day"

I'm guessing he doesn't like that season.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m pretty proud of myself. I finally finished a puzzle I’ve been working on for at least 2 hours a day for the last 3 months.

The outside of the box said 2-4 years.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Red-Beaulieu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2021
🚨︎ report
On my last day of vacation, I said goodbye to the ocean...

...and it waved back!!

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shaborsh
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My boss yelled at me the other day, β€œYou’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the sound engineer say on his last day of work?

Audios

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bonjourkoala
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
When a witch went whale watching
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2022
🚨︎ report
Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...

... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vk6flab
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The last day of the week is never a happy one…

Because it's a sadder day.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
a man with no arms went to a monastery to apply for a job as a bell ringer

The monk told him but sir, you have no arms, how will you ring the bell?

The man said, " just lead me to the bell and I'll show you."

So they walked up the long stairwell that led to the top of the belfry. Once at the top, the man walked over to the bell to get a good look at it. He then proceeded back up against the furthest wall and leapt into a sprint, face first into the bell.

He plummeted 65 feet below to his death. Tragically, no sound came from the bell.

When the police arrived an hour later, they asked the monk if he knew the man.

The monk simply said, "No. His face doesn't ring a bell either."

But wait, there's more...

The next day another man with no arms showed up at the monastery and told the monk "Yesterday the man who died here was my brother. This was his lifelong dream. If it's ok with you, I'd like to try just once for him."

The monk certainly couldn't refuse and slowly led the man up the long stairwell.

Once at the top the man walked over to the bell. He kissed the spot where his brother's face hit the bell just a day before and walked back to the edge of the furthest wall.

The priest watched in horror as once again a man hurled himself face first towards the bell, but at the last minute the man tucked his chin, stopped at the last moment and slammed his head into the side of the bell.

The bell rang with the loudest clang the countryside had heard in years. In fact, it was so loud the man cried out in agonizing pain, lost his balance and fell to his death below.

Once again the police showed up, and once again asked the monk if he knew the man's name to which the monk replied, "no, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

I'll show myself out.

Good night

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Badpun-dadjoke
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2022
🚨︎ report
A dog named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, Ive had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "Im looking for Sex..."

My court date has been set for Friday...

πŸ‘︎ 233
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Upset-Muscle6437
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2022
🚨︎ report
So today was my barber's last day at the barbershop...

He said it was time to switch careers. But no matter what profession he chose or what career path he took.... he just couldn't cut it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amart1985
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
Not a joke. But I wish it was.

I am not a dad. I am a daughter. For longer than I can remember, I have called my dad at "too early" times in the morning, woke him up, and told him a joke. This was a daily occurrence. Hence how I found this sub.

My dad died on Monday. You guys helped me wake him up with laughter so many times and I got to hear him laugh every day. Thank you r/dadjokes.

Edit: spelling

Wow I really did not expect so many people to see this post or to take the time to comment and reach out to me. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot. This is a great community and I'm so glad to have found it. As a mom to two beautiful little jokesters, I will absolutely continue pestering them with daily jokes and keep the tradition and the laughter alive.

For those asking, his favorite jokes were the really long ones that took forever to tell and had bad/ the best punchlines. The one that immediately sticks out was posted here either Sunday or Monday and was the last one I got to tell him. I will see if I can find it and figure out how to link. It was about a farmer who really loved tractors.

Thank you to the kind redditors who found it for me.

https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/slwg7y/bit_of_a_story_to_this_one_but_well_worth_the_read/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

πŸ‘︎ 46k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndiPandi92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2022
🚨︎ report
Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime…

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa. He asks her - why did you say that? I don't know, I just felt like saying it. The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence. A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma. Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled. His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeKing4Real
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
🚨︎ report
Two thoroughbred horses are in a barn talking to each other

The first horse says "the strangest thing happened to me the other day. I was trailing in a race and it looked like I had no chance to win. All of a sudden I felt this warm, wonderful feeling between my legs and I burst forward and caught the other horses at the wire to win the race."

The second horse says "that's unreal. I was trailing in a race last week and it looked like I had no chance to win. All of a sudden I felt this warm, wonderful feeling between my legs and it gave me a second wind and I raced past all the other horses and won by 3 lengths."

Upon hearing this a greyhound says "that is unbelievable. I was trailing in a race, chasing the rabbit and it looked like I had no chance to win. But all of a sudden I felt this warm, wonderful feeling between my legs and I burst forward and passed the other greyhounds and won the race."

The 2 horses looked at the greyhound with amazement, then at each other, and one horse said to the other "I wouldn't have believed it in a million years, a talking dog!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Budget-Pay3743
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2022
🚨︎ report
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!

She's going to love these flowers!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
How I learned my business law professor is a dad on the last day of class

In my business law class we were discussing this court case. In the case, a woman named Courtney was hitting off the tee box at a country club and sliced the shot off the course. The ball hit a guy who was working on a nearby roof, and gave him permanent brain damage. Our professor then asked us who we thought was responsible for the damages: the golf course, the course designer, or the woman. A student in the back asks "Well what if Courtney was drunk while she was playing" to which our professor responded

"Well then we would just have a classic case of drinking... and driving."

I'm still not sure which was louder, my friend and I bursting out laughing or the collective groan that filled the room.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bip213
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2015
🚨︎ report
My final work dad joke

I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:

After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore. It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life

Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lifeitmoonlight
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2022
🚨︎ report
today is the last day in the 21st century having consecutive prime numbers.

go on, you know you want to party like its 2099

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnhsun
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear what the New York Times editor-in-chief said on their last day?

"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strawbalicious
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
based on a true story

So, I bruised my rib the other day but I'm feeling a lot better so I came into work. My boss was in and he asked me if I was feeling better and I told him I was. He asked what I did to help with it and I replied "well, last night I ate some spare ribs...."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/guitarguy12341
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2022
🚨︎ report
I fear the day when the last dad joke will be said .

Luckily said probably won't become a joke any time soon

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/impostorbot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Today is the last day I work at subway ...

.. and it's a wrap !

(wow I made this one by myself and I'm not even a dad (I hope not at least))

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sgt-Doz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2016
🚨︎ report
Man goes to the cardiologist

"So, how many beers do you have per day?" the cardiologist asked."Four," the man responded."But last time I said you could only have two!""Yes, but my physician also said I could have two."

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cockneybastard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2022
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a sad face and asks for a beer.

The bartender, worried, asks him, "What's wrong? Why are you looking so down today?"

The man answers, "My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she would not talk to me for a month."

The bartender, confused, asks, "So, what's wrong with that?"

The man replies, "Tonight is the last day."

πŸ‘︎ 455
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lava_Wolf_68
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2022
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.