The Kids & Me Puns

Boy, was my face red!

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.

We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"

Que the groan.

I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

My pregnant wife was just wondering if the hospital's gift shop was open.

I asked "Why?"

She said she wanted to get something nice. It'll be our last kid. Just something to say "I knew I had it in me to give birth..." Then she chuckled proudly.

They say it contains a huge spoiler.

I made that up on the spot and told it to my kid. He told me it's not funny and it's a horrible joke. 😟

I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.

This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.

Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.

So I said to the French girl, «quelque chose». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"

I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.

A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. «quelque chose» is the French phrase for "something".

My dumbass kid: dad these are vape pens

Me: no they are the family juuls

Kids were out in the yard cleaning up their dogs landmines with a scooper and putting it in a wheelbarrow.

Middle daughter (Pushing wheelbarrow) : Mom, it's like a cart for poops.

Wife : It's a shopping cart for doggie poops.

Me (Looks wife like shes lost her mind) : Jesus woman, HOW MUCH SHIT DID YOU BUY ?

Right over the kids' heads.

E* Spelling.

My wife drove by with the kids and visited me at work. While I was saying hi, this happened:

Wife: You have some silly kids in here.

Me: And in here [indicate my lab], I have some sili-cates!

So when I was younger, me and a couple of friends went on a little trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun there swimming around, making a campfire, all that jazz. Some of us wanted to build sandcastles and get em as high as we could so we could pretend we were knights protecting them.

So some kids started running around being annoying and destroying the sand castles and it got to the point where one of my friends got so protective of his castle, he started punching anyone who even got close. You know how kids are, the other ones got closer and were like “we arent even touching it, calm down!” but he wasnt having any of that so he drew a line in the sand and said “if you step over this line, i WILL punch you..”

that was the punch line >insert finger guns<

I usually tell my kids a bedtime story, but the other night they kept asking for another to avoid going to bed. I told them that I was a “1-story” Daddy. My son asked me why, and I said that I was under 6 ft so I couldn’t be a 2-story.

I went to the Dr.s office and was told I couldn’t have kids. Surely this had to be a mistake. I asked was there not any chance? The doctor turned to me and said while not impossible my chances were inconceivable.

Wife: The kids moved my bookmark.

Me: all these years and you haven’t learned my name is Austin.

Wife stared at me blankly for a few moments and then went on with her day. Lol

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

• Pretending to pick fleas out of my kids hair and then eating them.
• Waving back at people who clearly aren't waving at me.
• Intentionally missing a high five.
• Pressing the car horn when I'm in the passenger seat and the teenager is driving slowly past other people.
• Answering "Yes dear" in a falsetto voice when one of the kids yells for mum.

What else have you got?

Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt.

Me: that's because he's a party pooper!

Edit: I can't believe somebody gave me gold for this.

Edit 2: Seriously guys. Quit giving me gold. The joke really wasn't that good.

Edit 3: yes, I have a bunch of kids named Edit.

Maddie wanted the kids meal with a leg so I said “Kids meal with the leg” and the lady says “Which side?”

Me- *complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd decision*

“I guess the right side, hell I don’t know what the difference is.”

After several moments of laughter she says “No hunny which side would you like to go with the leg? Potatoes or fries?”

My exwife, Nara made the best pizzas. But thats about all she was good for. She cheated on me, took half my life savings, and left with the kids. I wish I didn't Marinara

i look up the coin online and it is worth $6 in mint condition and tell her the value

My mom: we should ask if they’ll negotiate

Me: we should buy it and see if we can flip it.

I’m 16 and fear for my future kids.

Driving back from a cub scout hike with my kid, who's in the front seat for the first time and wanting really bad to be my wookie co-pilot.

Me: hey, it's more like you're my astromech.

Kid: no I'm not!

Me: R2!?!!

My wife just now, relaxing after we got the kids to sleep: Do we have any toast?

Me: No, but we have bread!

Wife: 😐 *silence*

Me: I'll just see myself out. *laughing all the way to the pantry*

I saw a shaggy dog on here maybe a month ago. It was about a couple kids in a haunted house. If anyone could put me in the right direction that would be much appreciated

I have no kids of my own, but my friends keep telling me I'm an incorrigible Dad Jokester. I'll probably still be making wildly inappropriate jokes on my own deathbed.

So when I pass, I just ask that a foundation be created on my behalf. Because then I will be Dad To The World!

Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world!

Him: crying

Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.

My daughter was in and out of the hospital a lot when she was a kid. One day she came home, and she asked me if I knew what the doctors used to draw blood. I said a needle. She said no a red crayon!

I yelled “Bison!”

He looked back at me, waved, and said “bye dad!”

Poor kid never even saw the Buffalo before he got speared...

From the shelf beside him, an abacus says "Dont worry kid, you can always count on me"

You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)

Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I don’t use Facebook so I said I’d share it here. He’s practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. He’s got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.

For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.

He doesn't have a Reddit account old enough to post this one!

In his words:

Not sure if I've heard this one before somewhere, but it made me laugh when it popped in my head when I was waking up. The kids, however, thought it was lame! Here goes:

Why did the baker feel crap?...

Because he kneaded one.

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

My daughter had to wire an essay about her hobby, which is softball. Her opener:

Pitcher this, you’re standing on a mound.

I was overwhelmed, and more proud than ever. She threw in some other puns too, it was an excellent essay, she’s giving me a run for my money, I batter watch out.

Edit: thank you u/PsychicGnome for the reminder that my kids are better parents than I am

Me just now to the my kids:

“Make sure you brush all of them [teeth]. I mean it. Front, back, top, bottom, inside, outside, up up, down down, left right, left right, B, A, B, A, select start!”

She's still angry she let me name the kids

We would look funny.

Told this joke to my dad as a kid and he cracked up. I didn't get the joke til the next day when he told me he'd shared it with a coworker and gave me credit for making it up. I had thought he was just humoring me for being a kid and trying to impress my dad. My favorite dad joke, and I still tell it.

This happened today.

I'm at park/playground with my kid. He's playing, I'm throwing a ball for my dog.

Three little girls, maybe around 10 years old, run up. "Can we pet your dog?"

Me, "Sure, would you like to throw the ball for her?"

One of the girls takes the thrower and chucks the ball. It goes a long way.

Me: "Wow, great throw!"

Girl: "I've got my dad's arms."

Me (already laughing on the inside): "Really? What does he use?"

They stare at me.

Sigh.

Wife: Can you give the kids a talk on drugs

Me: Ok but i talk a lot of shit when I’m high

Chameleon: The humans hate me

Therapist: What makes you say that?

Chameleon: My parents and siblings roam around their houses and kids' bikes, and it's all fine by the humans, but when I visit their neighborhood, they throw objects at me

Therapist: You need to learn to adapt to change

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

It was my son's birthday, and we were doing a Thomas the Tank Engine theme. Went to the party supplies shop, and one of the things we got for the party was a helium balloon with Thomas on it. Gave it to him, told him to hold on to it, otherwise it would float up into the sky, all the way to the moon as Peppa Pig phrases it.

Anyway, I'm looking around and I notice something weird... there are Transformers helium balloons, Peppa Pig helium balloons, Barbie helium balloons, Thomas of course, various superheroes... but I notice the complete absence of Elsa and Anna on these balloons. But Frozen must be the most popular theme ever for girl's birthday parties, I would have thought. So why no Frozen helium balloons?

I asked at the counter, and they told me that they used to have them, but they got too many complaints. Apparently every time a parent gave the balloon to a kid, she'd just let it go...

Me: did you just fucking fart Dad: DONT YOU ARE USE THE F WORD WITH ME. MY GRANNY BEAT ME WHEN I SAID THE WORD FART. Jeez, fucking kids.

My dad is 80.....i'm 53. My sister gave him some stockings (like knee socks) from the Vatican that the Pope supposedly wears. Don't ask why it's not important. Odd gift but anyway.....

Dad: "Hmmm.... well that present couldn't be any holier."

Me: "Well if the socks had holes in them they would be holier."

My Dad: "jesus christ" <while stifling a chuckle>

my 20ish adult Kids: <blank stare and power down look>

I was so proud.

http://imgur.com/gallery/3GUE8

This was a group text from me to both of the kids. The younger was born exactly nine months from the Tuesday in question. The older one responded with a thumbs down.

Me: yall never eat fish Kid: yes we do, we eat fish all the time ... GOLD FISH

(Talking about the cracker fish)

They got me!! Lol