True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
My wife and kids told me that they're tired of hearing the same jokes
I told them that I care about the environment and thus recycle my jokes.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...
My wife and kids laughed when they saw me chase a penny which rolled down the drain.
They were having fun at my ex pence.
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
I'm a primary school teacher and one of my kids got me in the lols with this one today... what's a witch's favorite subject?
My wife and kids told me to stop singing Christmas songs. They said 'It's March, save it for the one day it is Christmas!'
I said 'Oh... I wish it could be Christmas everyday.'
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the “brilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.
To my surprise he shrugged and said sure.
On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers.
“Daaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears.
Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said “Well, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”
My kid has a toy set of different biblical characters, but one started talking and now it condescendingly corrects me all the time...
...what a little Noah doll.
Saw this tree at Mater’s Jingle Jamboree and said to my kids “this tree looks tired!” All the dads around me chuckled at least.
The sweater my kids gave me last Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one…
My friend just had three kids! He asked me what to name them. I said ‘James, Charles and Li Zhao’ He asked me why the last one was Li Zhao. So I said ‘Because every 3rd person born in this world is Chinese
My kids keep telling me our over nights in the woods are lame and boring;
But I keep reminding them that camping is in-tents
I was walking down the street when a group of kids threw a block of cheese off me, they burst into laughter and I yelled
“That’s not mature is it”
I'm 28 and engaged but no kids yet. I feel the dad within me.
Today, I went out to lunch with some fellas from my office, Dave and Mike.
We all opted for the "beer and sandwich deal": any beer < $6 and any sandwich from the lunch menu for $10. Can't beat that in Hoboken, NJ.
One of my coworkers ordered a Sam Adams something-or-other and our bouncy little waitress pranced off to fetch our beverages. When the waitress returned with our potables she placed a beer, amber in color, 1/2" or so foamy head, in front of my coworker and said:
"Sam?"
To which I immediately announced "No, that's Dave."
Laughs were had all around. I cringed at myself but I couldn't help it.
I've used this on my kids and my students. Makes me laugh every time. They laugh some of the time.
Person is having a coughing fit...cough cough hack cough cough.
Me: "maybe you shouldn't drink so much...(pause)...coughee.
(Hilarity ensues, at least for me.)
I was in the garage the other day and the neighbor kid threw a small file at me...
Kids, your mother and I are getting divorced. She said she's leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was kidding, but...
then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
My mother asked me to pick up chocolate coins for the kids on the way to her Hanukkah party. When the store on my route didn't have any and I showed up with regular chocolate, she started crying and begged me to go back out to a different store.
I yelled, "No mom! I'm so sick of your gelt trips!"
My teenage daughter said "Dad, I'm going to the party, I'm going to drink beer, and I'm going to be home late. I'm not a kid anymore, you can't tell me what to do!"
Watching Disney's Robin Hood with the kids and my daughter set me up...
Daughter: Maid Marian is pretty for a cartoon.
Me: yeah, she's a fox!
http://images.wikia.com/disney/images/b/bc/Maid-Marian-disney-animal-heroines-12876193-720-480.jpg
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo. "He's my star," I conclude with a smile.
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