The Keepers Puns

It was okay, he assured me that it would beehave

...Guess you could say the zoo keeper got bamboozled!

He sure does enjoy giving freebees

.. Aww mane, no fur!

That it's bread in captivity.

Sorry.

It was a freebie.

Because his teammate is a little Messi

The seller said, “Oh, that last one is a freebee!”

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

She was wearing massive gloves

“Yeahh mate no problem it’s bread in captivity”

Brewed Tea is in the eye of the Bee Holder

Encrypted

His colleagues are calling him the avant-gardener

The ass, butt of corpse.

One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper

The shop keeper said that's Madeira Cake

My girlfriend and I were shopping for groceries for my place at whole foods yesterday and she was reading a list of things to buy. In the middle of the list was "Fungi". "Fungi? You mean mushrooms?" I asked. "No, we need fungi. Wait, we don't have to buy it. I have Chinese fungi at my place" she replied. "Hmmm. I don't like that you have a Chinese fungi at your place" "Why?!" "Well, how would YOU like it if I had a Chinese fun girl at my place?"

She laughed out loud. She's a keeper.

I was at a restaurant with a friend and my girlfriend yesterday for an early dinner and we started discussing the difficulties of being a teacher. My friend then said "i just don't have the patience to be a teacher." I hesitated for a second, out of cowardice, but then replied with "teachers have students, not patients." There were lots of cringes. My girlfriend actually laughed and then said aloud that she hated herself for doing so. I think she's a keeper. :)

The cemetery keeper has told people not to worry, he's just decomposing.

EDIT down-voting because you can't Handel this level of humor is a crime against humanity.

The store keeper said that they ran out of stock of piccolos but he could rent out a flute, the lieutenant agreed promptly.

After the performance the lieutenant came back to the store to return the flute. The store keeper asked if he was the flute tenant

No I am the lieutenant

He seats himself at a table. The sight is so strange that the owner comes over personally and asks, "Can I help you?" The panda replies, "Do you have anything with bamboo?" The owner answers, "We have a few Chinese dishes that have bamboo." The panda says, "I'll just have the bamboo." So the owner heads to the kitchen and soon returns with a plate of bamboo. The panda eats every last morsel, then pulls out a pistol, fires it into the ceiling, and walks out. The owner is startled and completely confused, so he follows the panda all the way back to the zoo. When he finds the zoo keeper, he walks up and asks, "Do you have any idea what your panda just did? He came into my restaurant, ate a bunch of bamboo, pulled out a pistol, fired it into the ceiling, and walked out." The zoo keeper replied, "Well, of course, he's a panda; that's what they do." Then, when he saw the owner was still confused, added, "Haven't you ever read about pandas?" More confused than ever, the owner walks home. He gets out his old set of encyclopedias, dusts off the letter "P, " and turns to the entry on pandas: "The panda is a large mammal, native to China; it eats bamboo shoots and leaves."

I was asking my girlfriend about her yoga classes, and she said she wasn't really into the spiritual side of yoga, and it weirds her out when some instructors end the class with a communal 'ohmmmm'.

Me: So you're saying there's some resistance to the ohm?

She laughed. She's a keeper.

And the pelican keepers warn that they could be facing some enormous bills.

One bee keeper the other be reaper.

I asked the keeper, “How did that toast get into the cage?”

She replied, “It was bread in captivity."

So I've started dating this girl who works at the Zoo. Mum likes her too. She thinks she's a keeper...

I was raised homeschooled. As a result of this up bringing, I went to many different places to learn things.

One day we went to a farm, and this farm just so happened to have a bee keeper working on it. So I naturally struck up a conversation with the fine man, asking him questions about what he did, and how he liked his job.

Little did I know some time had passed and it was time to go. My mother had called to me from behind my back saying it was time to leave, but I didn’t pay her any attention. Then, in a stern tone, she called to me again from behind that it was time to go.

Then I saw her face, now I’m a bee leaver. Not a trace, of doubt in my mind.

I am a TA for her pchem lab and today they were determining the speed of light by melting food in a microwave. We removed the rotating plate from the oven when she pointed and said "That was revolutionary".

She may be a keeper.

Edit : Grammar fails.

I said we'd have to boost it if we wanted to go out for waffles, and she responded "Well of course we have to jump the car if we want to go to IHOP!"

She's a keeper.

It's a cold November evening and 2 men out on the town. They enter a bar and approach the keeper. One man says to the other man "Hey Donkey, I think it's your turn" and walks off to use the toilet.

Donkey looks at the bar keeper and says "T-T-T-T-T-Two B-B-B-B-Beers Ppppppppp-Ppppplease"

Given his speech impediment, the keeper feels sorry for the man and say "Do you mind him calling you Donkey"

Donkey looks sadly at the keeper and say "He-aw-He-aw-He always calls me that"

when the snake pit was accidentally filled in. The zoo keeper said "it's terrible terrible news, now the snakes don't even have a pit to hiss in.

I say: yeah, I’ve gone to Germany, have Uganda Germany?

She sighed, then walked over and said “ok, here’s the high five you think you deserve.” She’s a keeper.

I replied, "Well, there's that and the fact that she's a keeper!"

I had been driving for a few years and had just moved off to college.

I was on my way back home to visit and it got dark during my drive. My headlights and radio worked but my dash lights were not coming on. When I got home I asked my dad about it and he said he'd go take a look. He went outside then comes back in the house just a few minutes later.

Me: "Did you find out what the problem is?"

Dad: "I think so."

Me: "Well, what was it?"

Dad: "I'll have to show you tomorrow, if I'm right then we're going to have fun working on your truck all morning."

We wait until morning, and dad wakes me up to go work on my truck. We go outside and he has me walk him through the entire problem again. Which lights were working and which were not, has me start the truck a few times and has me do the same troubleshooting I did the night before. I was getting frustrated and told him I tried absolutely everything.

Then he says "I think there's one thing you forgot." He points at a knob by the steering wheel. I looked at where he was pointing and it hit me. It's the damned the dash-light dimmer switch, and it was set to it's lowest (dimmest) position. When I looked back up at him he just had the biggest grin on his face. He then went into a full explanation on how this knob worked, knowing full well that I already knew what that knob did. Which, by the way, I'm sitting on the driver's seat and he's standing at the driver's side door. So I had no way to walk away from this embarrassing moment. All I could do was look down at the steering wheel and listen to him enjoying his joke.

Bonus story #1:

I'm in my 30s and one of my friends is a 74 year old guy that I play pool with. He always asks me what I've been up to, and one time I told him I met a girl.

He got excited and said "Do you have any pictures of her?" So I showed him a few pictures of us together.

Old man: "She's beautiful! She sounds like a keeper."

Then he leans in with a grin and says "Do you have any naked pictures of her?"

Me: "No way!"

Old man: "Do you want to see some?"

Bonus story #2:

That same old man was at our friend's wedding. He's sitting at the table with his wife and a bunch of other people. The conversation is about how they have been married for 50+ years. He says "I don't know how she's put up with me for this many years. But I've always told her that she can leave whenever she wants to, cause I'm comin' with her."

His wife explained that she has heard all of his jokes so

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the Fresh Prince.

I'm not sure, but something tells me she's a keeper, guys.

We were at walmart and I was saying all sorts of bad jokes associated with products. She eventually got mad, so I asked if she thought I was funny. We walked past some cheetos in the chip isle and she pointed at the cheetos and said "ya, you're dangerously cheesy". I knew she was a keeper.

We're getting married in less than 2 weeks and I was cutting out paper hearts for our flower girl to throw. The hearts are made out of music paper and newspaper (representing the careers we're in).

Once we had finished cutting, the fiance picks up a newspaper we had cut some hearts out of and examines it closely.

He turns to me and very seriously says, "You know, this story has a lot of holes in it."

Cue groan and begrudging chuckle. I think I picked a keeper.

Her: One of my friends sleeps all the time, if he's not working he's sleeping. I always tell him, get out there and live your life.

Me: I guess he's living his dreams.

She laughed hysterically, I think she's a keeper.

So we were talking about plants and I randomly come up with:

If you stab a vampire with a cactus doesn't that make it a succulent steak?

She groans and can't help but giggle as she literally face palms, but complains none the less "I thought you loved me!". I laugh even harder. "You're proud of that aren't you, why you are so proud of that? When you shit in your hand and throw it at strangers that is nothing to be proud of".

Tell you fellers she's a keeper :D

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"

The zoo keeper said it was bread in captivity.

I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!

when I asked the keeper about it, he said it was bread in captivity

One is a groundskeeper, while the other is a grounds keeper.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.