Using only the letters L H U T S E, how do you tell an investigator to hurry up?

Hustle, Sleuth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bentnotbroken96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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What's the difference between a Stalker and a Private Investigator?

The Private Investigator get's paid, and the stalker is pursuing his passion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaskedForGas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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The investigators still didn't know who started the fire at the Notre Dame

But they had a hunch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andocas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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A team of investigators found the body of a missing person in a frozen lake...

They finally cracked the cold case

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hi_im_Nadeem
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Police are investigating a murder in which the victim was shot with a starters pistol.

The police think it's race-related.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elwheelio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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I asked my police officer friend if he had made any progress with the investigation into who stole all their internet cables.

He said: No, we haven't even got any leads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gubaxter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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A detective was investigating a murder. He soon found that the murder weapon was the bag of the murderer and it had their name on it.

It was a briefcase

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wingwang100
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Detective Johnson and detective Smith were investigating a murder that occurred next to a playground. The only witnesses to the murder were four children, a brother age 3 and sister age 4, and a different brother (age 7) and sister (age 8).

The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex. The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D. Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldn’t bother question 8D’s children about what they saw, since they’re too young to have a reliable memory. He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9D’s kids will remember.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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Someone stole my through-hole printed circuit board components and replaced them with surface mount. The police investigated..

But there are no leads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PdSales
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.

Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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Two cartoonists fought each other to death and the police are investigating

The details are pretty sketchy and the reports are saying it ended in a draw

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BleakPenguin35
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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After high school Farris Bueller became one of the most controversial FBI directors in recent memory after his investigation of a sitting president

The investigation was known as the "Bueller Report"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thylocine
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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A police officer was investigating the theft of an attachΓ©.

The culprit was quickly found so you could say it was a very brief case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slap_the_teacakes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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There was a suspicious β€˜accident’ at a construction site. The police investigated all the workers at the job site . . .

It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.

Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasn’t a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didn’t stick and the jury let him roll off clean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirty_Entendre
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
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The police are investigating the death of a man who was killed with a can of chickpeas.

It's an obvious case of hummuscide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crash_86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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The president of the National Referees Association has been arrested for corruption.

Investigators haven't released the name of the whistle-blower.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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The New Zealand Police investigating another kind of ram-raid
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blumelon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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I was called in to investigate the murder of Smokey, the forest fire fighter.

It was a grizzly scene, almost too much to bear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.

They are looking for a cereal killer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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I hear they're re-opening the investigation into the Black Dahlia murder

The lead investigator was asked if it would be difficult to solve and he said "You don't know the half of it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpabiniaGlasses
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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Apparently there was a crime that happened on the airplane that led to the plane crashing into the ocean.

The police are trying to investigate to figure out how it all went down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ikennaezeee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A detecrive was investigating a murder over at the Disney Palace

Looking at his chart of suspects, he banged his fist against the wall, "It could be any one of these three!"

Then, a silhouetted figure spoke out, "It's suspect number 1."

"The one from Norte Dame? How can you be sure?"

Quasimodo then steps out of the shadows with a knife behind his back, "Let's just say that I've got a hunch."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majike03
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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Have you guys heard about the police investigation into the death of a chickpea?

It was a hummus-ide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kizman123456789
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
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Did you hear about the guy who kept cutting down trees?

They tried to investigate the trees, but they were all stumped.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notgayinathreeway
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone asked Robert Mueller to hurry up with the investigation..

He replied, "Quit Russian me!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorogogo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2018
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Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...

Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Know why cults and groups living off the grid are always being investigated?

That's the power of compound interest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/programminggeek
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
🚨︎ report
There's a detective named Frederick Lee...

His teammate is an anthropomorphic pig who wore a hood like little red riding hood. The pig’s name was Boar-Hood. So this one time, I wanted them to check out a masked menace in New York City. Fred wanted to lead the investigation. But since the criminal’s mask was animal themed, I said to them, β€œFred Lee: nay. Boar-hood: spy the man”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megadecimal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The current whereabouts of NK dictator still an Kim Jong-Unsolved mystery

When asked to comment, officials stated that the investigation was still Kim Yo-Jongoing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unhertz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A story about a legendary Composer

In 1827, after Beethoven died, he was buried outside the local church, in the graveyard, and people came to pay their respects frequently.

One morning, about a week after the funeral, two girls came to leave some flowers on his grave, only to hear strange, unearthly sounds coming from it. Creeped out, they called for the local Paranormal Investigator.

The Investigator arrived an hour later, and with him, a small crowd, who had come to see what was happening to the composer’s grave.

Suddenly, one member of the crowd exclaimed, β€œI recognise that sound! It’s his 9th Symphony, backwards!”

Soon after, another said, β€œand that’s his 8th, backwards!”

After leaning closer to the grave to inspect this for himself, the Investigator straightened himself up, gave a soft chuckle, and said:

β€œNever fear, ladies and gentlemen! Beethoven’s just decomposing.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnixyZ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The first hurdle of a journalists investigation.

An ex policeman turned construction worker has been arrested. He is believed to of been in charge of a ring of cowboy workers. They were going around farms constructing stables, these stables had many faults-including many falling under strong head winds. We asked the man what his title with the police was? He replied "chief con-stable".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghost_Brain
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2014
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Need a punny title for my screenplay

Hola. I need a punny title for the screenplay. Its a murder mystery type situation but its set in a university halls and instead of a murder, they're investigating the theft of a chicken Kiev from a shared kitchen. go crazy guys!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laurencethomas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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Knock knock

Dad: Knock knock

Kid: Who's there

D: Investigator

K: Investigator who

D: I'll ask the questions if you don't mind

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightHawk37
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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Holmes

Holmes and Watson, investigating a crime, entered a bedroom. Holmes looks and the bed, backs up and says, "There's something wrong with this."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supercman99
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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My wife said DO NOT tell this joke to anyone else

Holmes and Watson are about to go out on an investigation. Before leaving, Watson says he needs to use the restroom. He goes in and 5 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, 15 minutes pass. Finally Holmes goes to the door and asks if he's feeling constipated. Watson replies, "Yeah, no shit Sherlock!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshWithaQ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2017
🚨︎ report
I read an article about Eskimo hunting practices today

Their method for hunting polar bears was the most interesting. They would start a fire out on a deep snow bank, and essentially melt a hole in the snow. Once the hole was big enough they would stop feeding it firewood and let it burnout on its own. Once the fire had gone down and was nothing more than smoldering ashes with a little bit of smoke, they would line the edge of the fire pit with snow peas.

All they had to do from there is hide and wait. Once a bear caught scent of the smoke and starts to investigate, the bear would eventually start eating some of the peas. Then they sneak up behind it and kick it in the ash-hole.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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Got a co-worker with this one as he was heading home after a 24hr shift.

I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365.

My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile.

I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that?"

He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, "An emancipation...proclamation? Maybe?"

The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Droidball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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This is a story that ends in my best joke to date.

I'm a nanny, the family I work for typically hang out for 10-30 minutes before the parents leave me and baby alone, just to chat and catch up, as well as to mitigate any potential meltdowns from a sudden leaving.

Anyway, Baby has started walking and is very keen to investigate everything. Yesterday he was headed straight to the electrical outlet. So I said to him, "oh no that's not a toy! Our fingers don't go there,"

Dad says, "baby disagrees"

"That's shocking."

Dad, "That's better than any dad joke I've come up with"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyDogsNameIsToes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine

when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kachow--
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My students are catching on...

Today I took a class out onto the oval to investigate the strength of radio signals in different situations. For one, we wrapped a radio in foil and as I was unwrapping it a student commented that they hoped there was food inside.

I finished opening it and said 'oh man, it's a radio - mum must really hate me' to which another student replied 'I know, it's not even a ham radio...'

Was so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D-Nizzle
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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My girlfriend's dad on Halloween

He dressed up to give out candy, and every time he opened to door, the family's small dog would run up behind him to investigate. Every time a Trick-or-treater looked at the dog he would ask "How do you like my cat's Halloween costume?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mookowz7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
🚨︎ report
How do you catch a polar bear?

Polar bears in the wild will seek out holes in the ice in order to catch fish. So in order to catch a polar bear, you cut a good sized hole in the ice and to line the perimeter with sweet peas.

The bear will see the hole and come over to investigate. It will see the peas and become confused. This is your opportunity.

When the bear stops to take a pea, you jump out and kick it in the ice hole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/factoid_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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The Legend of Zorro and the Bacon Tree

So this is a bit long, sorry about that.

Zorro and his best bud the Lone Ranger were riding through the desert one day, I forget where they were heading to or where they had come from, but we can safely assume shenanigans of some kind were the driving force.

They have been travelling for most of the day and are starting to get tired. There has been a discussion about making camp for the night, but as things are they have agreed to continue riding for a while longer, till the sun starts to set. Away and off to the west the Lone Ranger spies a plant that seems to have large pink flowers that hang in strips with white stripes running the length of them.

"Zorro, what's that over there?" he asks.

Zorro turns in his saddle and raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "Ah, it looks like a bacon tree, quite common in these parts. Let's ride on, there is a good place an hour from now to set up camp."

The two friends ride on and as the sun is beginning to descend the have stopped and are making camp. As Zorro begins to make a fire he says to the Lone Ranger, "You know, I quite fancy some pork. You ride back to that bacon tree and get some for supper, and I'll finish setting up camp here."

"No problem Zorro, I won't be long" replies the Ranger, jumping back into the saddle and returning the way they came.

Time passes, and the sun begins to get low in the sky. 'Odd', thinks Zorro 'he should be back by now.' Another hour passes and the shadows are growing longer. 'I might have to go investigate, it's not like him to take his time.' More time passes, and, just as Zorro has decided that he must go search for his friend in the dwindling light, he hears the sound of Silver's hooves. Looking into the gathering gloom he sees his friend riding towards him. As the Lone Ranger nears Zorro can see the Lone Ranger is injured, there are cuts and bruises and he has an arrow through his hat.

"What on earth happened, Lone Ranger? Did you make it to the Bacon tree?"

The Lone Ranger dismounts and sighs heavily.

"That weren't no Bacon tree, Zorro. That was an Hambush."

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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report

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