Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.

That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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How did the inmate call his family?

On his cell phone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigEZK01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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Did you hear about the inmate that stuttered?

He never finished his sentence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/harryassburger-il
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?

The prose outweighs the cons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ukuleleemusic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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What did the researchers have to do before they could compare the BMIs of inmates to professional bodybuilders?

First, they had to weigh the pros and cons.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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Why didn't the inmate understand his wife's message?

She didn't give any context.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-jedi-ninja
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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What did the deathrow inmate dad call his last supper?

Ciao time...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pirateking1000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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Why did the inmate keep smuggling in Indian food for corrections officers?

He wanted to curry favor with the guards.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mstrchapl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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Did you hear about the anthology of literature written by prison inmates?

It's called Prose and Cons.

Sorry. I'll just get me coat...

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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Did you hear about the female inmate?

She had her period at the end of her sentence.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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Why was the jailer sad his inmates were all released?

He had Post-Pardon Depression.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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See the headline about the insane inmate that escaped and attempted rape?

"Nut bolts and screws."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
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You guys hear about the two inmates who grew quite fond of each other?

It was just two cell mates who felon love

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePootKnocker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2017
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My co-worker wondered out loud why the super nice prison inmates that run our print ship are in jail.

I said, "maybe they killed someone with kindness!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonnyLawless
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2015
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Not your normal format, but I have to share as I am pretty proud

For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"

I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural

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πŸ‘€︎ u/proygratoke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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If you have an inmate...

And that inmate is in an elevator... And the elevator is going down... Is it condescending?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/te_ka
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Prisoner Escaped

Guard: Inmate #2276 escaped sir!

Warden: WHAT! How long ago?

Guard: There was a random search last night at 8:30, so figure he's been on the lamb for about 8 hours.

Warden: Oh thank God, what a relief.

Guard: How so sir? That's a hell of a long time to be missing.

Warden: Yes, but imagine how far he'd be if he was on the horse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Billy_Bayou
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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I visited my friend in jail the other day and there was a jailbreak.

Suddenly there was pandemonium everywhere. The guards on duty ushered us out of the gates just as a horde of inmates began climbing over the barrier wall.

One by one they dropped down disappearing into the brush. Just as I looked up, a midget in an orange jumpsuit stuck his tongue out at me and gave me the finger as he came down.

I thought to myself, "Well that's a little con descending."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/garrettbtm22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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Why do prisons serve only plain bagels?

They're afraid the inmates will pick lox.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/turnpike37
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
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A man walks into prison and is greeted by the warden.

"So you're the new imitate, huh?" "Don't you mean inmate?" "Wah, wah, don't you mean inmate wah wah"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
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Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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We were watching a documentary on prisons...

The documentary mentioned how some inmates try to sneak in cell phones by sticking it up their butt. Without hesitation I responded with "I bet you they get crappy reception." then my wife gave out the longest sigh... I think I'm getting the hang of this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ratonhnhaketon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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Unintentional dad joke while visiting Alcatraz

A former inmate was signing books at Alcatraz today. He was an inmate there for 15 years. It was later in the day, so I tried to make polite conversation. I asked, "have you been here long?"

He didn't answer...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slimtoad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
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My Grandad dropped this one at dinner...

An Official is inspecting a lunatic asylum to find one inmate to be released for the Asylum's anniversary, after several hours of visiting the numerous wards he enters one where he finds a man sitting on his bed carving a wooden block. He approaches the man and asks him what he was carving, the man on the bed replies that he carves wooden clothes pegs, and that each day he makes around 5. "Well that certainly is impressive" the inspector tells the man, "I think I shall recommend you to the warden for release." The inspector then notices a man hanging from the ceiling, "What is he doing up there?" he again questions the man on the bed. "Oh, he thinks he's a light bulb!" The man on the bed replies, "Well, shouldn't we get him down?" the Inspector asks, shocked, "Don't be daft!", remarks the Man on the bed, "I can't work in the dark!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperCraften
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
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My dad just e-mailed me a list of definitions:
  1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

  2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

  3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

  4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

  5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

  6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

  7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

  8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

  9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

  10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

  11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

  12. PARADOX: Two physicians

  13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

  14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

  15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

  16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

  17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

  18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

  19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

  20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnideRemarkDept
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
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