Son, take the bible with a grain of salt...

... hence, don't take it as gospel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWhiskyBear
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Me and a couple of friends are arguing how to get out of the grain silo.

We're all in the same oat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dodsdans
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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The neighbour's sheep failed to break into the grain shed.

There was no battering ram.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xXSparklePonyXx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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Going against the grain here

Chinese takeout: $15.00
Gas to get there: $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes...

Riceless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLZ_ent
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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I was hired to represent the hard outer layers of cereal grain in a positive light and by doing so help to increase awareness and sales.

I'm a bran ambassador.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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What does the farmer say when he sees his grain has caught fire?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diblly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
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The paper this was printed on has a purple grain
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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Did you hear the news? Some outlaws were running from the police, ducked into Farmer Johnson's barn and stashed their dynamite in his grain. One of his cattle got into the grain and ate the dynamite. They were afraid the poor fella was going to blow up.

I think that's abominable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreakyStarrbies
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Did you know during the third Reich there was a project to produce energy from a certain type of grain

I'm surprised you never heard of Hitler's rice to power

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinappleGecko
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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What did the farmer say when his grains were harvested?

Sweet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dragonslayer2689
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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The price of grass fed beef is higher than grain fed beef, but you wanna know what beef is the most expensive?

Weed fed beef... High Steaks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chefboyclakie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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What was the grain truckers favorite band?

Haulin' oats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neutral_cadence
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
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What did the the grain of sand say after it made it's way out of the oyster?

Whew! I'm nacred...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orthoprosthetist
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tutandgroan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
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Did you hear about the guy who died in a grain silo?

He couldn't find a corner to piss in...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nimbusdimbus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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What did the mill worker say to the thresher?

You're cutting against the grain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pdxp2b
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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What does rebellious rice always do?

Goes against the grain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConradFlick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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When people misspell barely like barley, they’re not making a mistake

They’re just going against the grain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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A geology/geography/aerodynamics study that a sandstorm in Africa can blow sand and dust as far as to even Florida

So anyways, I dust the grains down from africa

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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I saw a great deal online for a 'Replica Rolex' for only $50. I just opened the box and found it is completely made of wood...

To make matters worse, it is covered with a dark circular imperfection in the wood grain. I won't accept this - knot on my watch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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I went on a gluten free diet because I was experiencing constant headaches.

And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yubisaki_Milk_Tea
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
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My pastor wasn’t a fan of my new Jesus Riceβ„’

He said not to take the lords name in grain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spyro4now
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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People who don’t eat gluten...

... are really going against the grain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acherion
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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Lend me an ear for a corny joke.

It really a'maize'ing, because of how it pops. And at the end a kernel of truth. It's a grain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dukbrand
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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So my girlfriend asks me "How do you feel out a barley"

My response?

Pick it's grain... Ask it wheats the matter... Ask it why it's all in a husk...

Turns out she meant to type "How do you feel about barley" and wasn't setting up a joke... (I use my hands to feel about barley)

I think I spend to much time on this sub :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boboknowsall
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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A son of a long line of wheat farmers decided to plant barley.

He was going against the grain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADAToTheMoon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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Two Farms

There was two farms next to each other, separated by a long fence. The two farmers were called nick and Barry. They were both very resourceful farmers, using each and every square inch of land to grow on. Both would tend to their crops twice a day every single day, and became friends. However, both farmers were penny pinchers, and would often try and take a few extra crops from the other side of the fence, which lead to arguments. One day, Barry came out to tend his crops, but nick did not appear once. This continued for several days. Both sets of crops continued to grow, along and up the fence, eventually intertwining. Both farmers were growing wheat. After around 5 days, Barry came out and to his delight, saw nick tending to his harvest. However, this delight soon changed to frustration as he saw nick taking extra crops from his side. "Where have you been, and what do you think you're doing?" He exclaimed. "I'm taking in my wheat, and I haven't been out for a few days due to illness. I've been feeling queasy and dizzy when I stand up, with a throbbing pain in my head each time. But it's ok, they're only headaches." "Oh I don't think so mister" said Barry.

"Those are my grains!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/harryjrogers20
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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I'm devastated that my son has chosen a career in finance rather than taking over the family wheat farm.

He's going against the grain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthearistocrat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
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My wife had a headache

So I thought I’d distract her with the story of the two Italian wheat farmers who would fight over their crops shouting, β€œThat’s a my grain!” Her headache worsened.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmeanmustid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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An inspector visits a farm...

He tells the farmer that he wants to speak with his animals so he can check how their life there is.

The farmer reluctantly leads the inspector to the paddocks, the inspector notices some cows and approaches asking "Hello Ms Cow, how are you finding life on this farm?" The cow replied in a ventriloquistling voice, "I love my life on the farm, I get grass all day and get put indoors at night". The farmer is amazed at the sight before him.

The inspector makes his way to the duck pond and asks the ducks, "Ducks, how is your life at this farm?" The duck, like the cows reply "I love this farm, we get grain and the big pond. We love our life here".

The inspectors continues his way through the farm with the farmer in tow eventually reaching the sheep pen. As he makes his way towards the sheep the farmer quickens his pace catching the inspectors. "I have something to tell you before you chat to the sheep, THE SHEEP LIE!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageRacoon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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My girlfriend is on a new low-sodium diet

Me: "So, with the new diet do you have to believe everything people tell you now?"

Girlfriend: "What?"

Me: "Well, you can't take anything with a grain of salt anymore."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kangaroo_Quart
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2016
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What is the definitive book on bread making?

The King Grains Bible

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOffendingHonda
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2016
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In North Dakota there was once a farmer

...who lived on theft. Every year he would raid his neighbour's wheat bins, sell what he took and then go south to spend the winter living on his ill-gotten grains.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatering
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2013
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The Sound of Monks

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the kno

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemofish3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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Dad joked while getting a tour of a glass factory

So i know the joke is old, but the application was classic...

I was with my dad buying some glass cutting supplies and the guy in the store was really dry and seemed to take his job pretty seriously. We wrapped up our purchase and the shop worker asked if we wanted a quick tour of the production facility. We said 'yes' and walked into the back. Shop worker guy showed us some bullet proof glass, and a new self obscuring glass... then he mentions that most of what they do is provide mirrors for elevators and he turns to walk us over to the last section of the facility where they do wood grain backed mirrors. My dad stops walking and says "elevators hey"? The shop worker turns and looks at him... "I hear that industry has it's ups and downs"... Shop worker guy makes eye contact with me and turns and continues his tour. While no noise escaped his lips i could feel an internal groan that shook the walls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbyflorentine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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I work at a grain elevator and fertilizer plant, dad joked my wife.

Wife: How's the market today?

Me: Grain is up in rows, livestock is outstanding in the field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimrob4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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