The Graduates Puns

The Aluminumati.

Major

Doctor.

With magma cum laude.

It has 360 degrees

I got the F out of there.

But at least I gave it the old college dry.

Unicorn

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree

They call him Dr. Pepper.

I’m a pro now with pronouns!

He is going to celebrate his graduation from four years of law school.

However, he does not step inside and order a drink.

Instead, the man keeps walking down the sidewalk.

He passes the bar.

He failed the main course.

...he will finally get his Masters of Puppets. 🤘

Five out of four students still don’t understand fractions by the time they graduate.

Because it was set on 0 degrees.

I teach high school seniors and have been starting each day with a joke of the day. Many of them have been from this sub. My seniors have nominated me to give the graduation speech this year and have requested that I give them one final joke of the day. So dads, help me with a final dad joke that will get all the knees slapping!

It was Soda grading.

A pedigree.

He wasn’t the top of his class, but his grades here in the high C’s...

It was his first basket case

For her thesis, she did a Mobius strip tease.

My dad turns to me and says, "Oops, Premature Ecapulation."

She earned her MA degrees!

An unemployed reverend walks into a bar and orders a glass of wine. "How did the interview at the church go today?" the bartender asks. "Not so good. They turned me down for the job, despite my 20 years of experience. They insisted they only want to interview brand new seminary graduates," the reverend replies. "I guess they were looking for greener pastors."

Because there's over a thousand degrees.

Everybody around me heard that and groaned. The guy in front of me stared back like, "you've gotta be kidding me"

When he was really young, he was the best magician I’ve ever seen. People came to see this first grader do all sorts of magic. Cutting women in half, floating on air, turning roses into doves, the works.

But as he got older, he started to loose his touch. He couldn’t turn flowers into birds when he hit 8th grade. He stopped being able to float as a freshman. When he graduated, he could barely find a quarter in your ear.

I bumped into him one day after he came home from graduating college. He was working as an architect now. I asked him what happened to all that magic? How come he couldn’t keep it going?

He put his arm around me and said, “the way I see it, it was all tricks. And tricks are for kids”

By making sure you stay on track...

He says to Patty, ‘Well, how are you?’

Patty goes ‘Grand, say, where ya from?’

John goes ‘I’m from Dublin,’

Patty says ‘Wow, I’m from Dublin too! I’m from near O’Connell Street!’

John goes ‘No way, I’m from near O’Connell Street too!’

‘That’s mad! When did you graduate?’

‘1970,’

‘What! That’s when I graduated! What school?’

‘St. Mary’s!’

‘I went to St. Mary’s too!’

The barkeep overhears this conversation and says ‘Ah jaysus, it’s gonna be a long night.’

The patron he’s serving goes ‘How come?’

Barkeep goes ‘The O’Malley twins are drunk again.’

Doctor

He’s a well read-neck.

He’s so bright, his father calls him Son.

He was bent on success

You could say it was a premature ecapulation.

Basically, I want to be a veteran aryan veterinarian.

You know what's special about the 16th? It is a day before the 17th

Dad: Something is wrong with that song.

Me: Lauren says it is from Rent.

Me: It's about AIDS she says.

Dad: They ought to return it.

http://i.imgur.com/7lsPNQZ.jpg

Bill retires, having worked for the same employer for 34 years, after graduating from college. After a year, the inactivity starts to get to him. So, he goes and gets a job as a greeter at WalMart. Everyone loves him. Kids behave in the store, women remark at what a gentleman he is, little old ladies say he is gallant, even the employees are more productive after walking in past Bill every morning. The only problem is, Bill is late… Every, Single, day. The Manager covers for him as long as he can, but finally HR decrees that bill has to click in on time, or go.

So, the manager sits down with Bill, and says.. Bill.. everyone likes you, and you do a great job. But you’re late every day. Bill Replies.. ‘yea, I am, I Guess I could try to work on that.’ The manager asks ‘Bill, what did they say when you were late at your last job?’

Bill thinks for a minute, and replies ‘Good Morning, Admiral, would you like a cup of coffee, sir?’

Two chemistry professors at my school hated each other. No one knows why the rivalry started, but it escalated from common pranks to elaborate traps using their knowledge of chemical reactions. After one particular prank resulted in the fire alarm being triggered, the dean had enough. He ordered the two to sit together in the lounge at lunch and spend their free periods in each other's classroom.

Over the school year, they began to get to know each other better and eventually became friends. They became god-parents to each other's children, attended their graduations, and even saw them married. After the two men retired, they continued to spend time together, they learned to make YouTube and TikTok videos about chemistry and even went golfing together. If they never hated each other enough to devise elaborate pranks, they never would have been forced to spend time together and eventually become friends connected by their love of chemistry.

It was an ironic bond.