Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
My Bluetooth speaker wasn’t working so I threw it into the lake.
I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
To the person who stole my MS Office License.
I will find you. You have my Word.
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
My wife said, “I don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Music puns sometimes hit the high notes
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
This is the last thing I need
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
I hate the word "xenophobia", it sounds so...
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...
A whim away, a whim away, a whim away
What’s the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
How do you make the number one disappear?
You add "g" and it's GONE
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma’s a pause at the end of a clause.
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
Hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house
He did every other thing on the list
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.
Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver
I meant to cross post it but I don’t know why I cannot cross post so here is the screenshot version
What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
My wife got mad at me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Did you hear about the person who invented the door knocker?
They won the Nobel prize.
I just found out the Mortal Kombat theme was based on something old
The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the street.
What did the Doctor say to the constipated detective?
One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman...
I asked the librarian where books about oil were located.
She said try the non-friction section.
From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?
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