The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
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︎ Feb 09 2021
There's a caterpillar near the flower
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︎ Dec 29 2020
What kind of flower do you have if everyone in the country drove a pink car?
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︎ Jan 19 2021
What type of flower is the best at math?
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︎ Jan 06 2021
What did the outraged flower say ?
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Why didnβt the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?
Their flight was deleied.
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︎ Dec 02 2020
How can you tell the difference between flowers that bloom in the day and flowers that bloom in the night?
The difference is day and night.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
What did the rock say to the flower ok bloomer.
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︎ Jul 27 2020
My neighbor got mad at me for planting my flowers too close to the fence...
I told them that they were still a few yards away.
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︎ Sep 09 2020
How does the flower cross the lake
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︎ Jul 12 2020
What is the most popular flower in France?
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︎ Aug 04 2020
What did the big flower say to the littler flower?
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︎ Jul 03 2020
How does a flower get a boat across the lake?
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︎ Apr 18 2020
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers...
The husband says that he didnβt know she sold flowers
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︎ Jun 15 2020
"Never buy flowers from a monk", Smokey the Bear said.
Only you can prevent florist friars.
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︎ Aug 20 2019
What type of flowers are the best at kissing?
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︎ Feb 23 2020
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off
I think they're stalking me
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︎ May 16 2020
Looking up at the calendar today, my son asked me, "If April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?" I answered, "I don't know, what?"
He laughed and shouted, "Pilgrims!"
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︎ May 01 2020
Mommy tomato, daddy tomato, and baby tomato were all out for a leisurely Sunday stroll
They walked through the flower gardens at the park. They skimmed stones across the lake. They fed the ducks bread.
It was a perfect Sunday.
Then daddy tomato had a call that his brother was in hospital. Across the road was a bus destined for that very place.
They ran back through the park dodging ducks and tripping on stones and getting tangled in foliage.
Baby tomato was starting to lag a little. So daddy tomato, in a panic, shot glances at the arriving bus and his helpless offspring. He Ran to his son and with all his might squashed him into the pavement with his Dr Martins boots and said
"Ketchup"
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︎ Feb 18 2021
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please donβt make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
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︎ Apr 22 2020
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked
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︎ Oct 13 2019
What do you call a flower that glows in the dark?
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︎ Feb 08 2020
My son went to propose his crush today with a huge smile but came back with a disappointed frown.
Me: "What's wrong, didn't it go well?"
Son:"No it didn't, she flat out rejected me. I did so much to plan this so all of it goes well, I called her to the fancy restaurant near that giant wall that holds the water and brought the best bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates too but she still said that she likes me only as a friend."
Me: "Dam son"
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︎ Jan 08 2021
Old man Art was planting flowers in his front yard. The homeownersβ association fined him $100.
Yard Art is strictly prohibited.
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︎ Nov 25 2019
I bought these pretty flowers from Micheals the other day. They have a multi-chrome shine to them. Unfortunately, the flowers have an odour to them.
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︎ Nov 17 2019
I bet theyβre better dancers too π a take on the song Pretty Fly for a White Guy. Found outside a local flower/plant shop OC
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︎ Jun 15 2019
My girlfriend
My girlfriend had a bad day today. You see, sheβs a dwarf and people made fun of her size. So tonight I thought Iβd try to make her forget about her day. On my way home I got her some flowers and chocolates, made her dinner, and then went into the bathroom and drew her a nice warm sink
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︎ Dec 21 2020
Did you hear about the flower seller who got held up at gun point...
... he was a petrified florist.
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︎ Sep 21 2019
Asking out the cute girl at the flower store:
"Got any plants this weekend?"
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︎ Jan 02 2018
German word for flowers is Blumen. Now what's the word for Bouquet?
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︎ Aug 11 2019
Which flower is the best greeter?
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︎ May 22 2019
Made pancakes yesterday and the whole house smelled like lavender
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︎ Nov 05 2020
I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet...
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︎ Sep 17 2017
Which flower is the best kisser?
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︎ Feb 03 2019
Burt: Ernie, should we go out for ice cream?
Ernie: Sherbert
EDIT: Wow, I'm amazed at the upvotes.. Totally made my day. I came up with this yesterday while staring at bees pollinating our flowers. Random.
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︎ Jul 11 2020
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers out of the blue! They're absolutely gorgeous!"
I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then."
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︎ Apr 30 2019
Where do flowers sleep?
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︎ Oct 27 2020
Whats the difference between a daisy and a cactus?
One is a plain flower, the other is a self-raising flower!
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︎ Nov 17 2020
What flower is the biggest klutz?
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︎ Oct 22 2018
Told the wife they are growing flowers on the ISS.
She exclaimed WTF ,How can they even?
MY son blurts out"cause they are skyentists".
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︎ Jan 13 2019
What did the big flower say to the littler flower?
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︎ Nov 06 2019
What did the big flower say to the littler flower?
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︎ Nov 09 2019
What did the big flower say to the littler flower?
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 05 2019
What type of flowers are the best for kissing?
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︎ Feb 10 2019
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think Iβm being stalked
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︎ Oct 06 2018
Why didn't the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?
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︎ Oct 19 2016
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