G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
My wife said yes. I said we're happy with the kids we have, thank you. I then realized I could FEEL the desire to harmlessly embarrass my children in front of other people. It's happening!
Sir cumference. He acquired his size from to much Pi.
Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
They were bereavements.
One thing led to another, and the father and son get into a pretty heated argument.
The son stands up and storms off, headed to his room.
As he is going up the stairs, he yells down to his dad, "Jim Morrison is overrated!!!"
So, the dad screams back, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS?!?!?!"
I don't know how to deal with this.
Because Sharon is Karen
Add the element of surprise.
Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”
Sir Cumference
A get well soon card.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
I had to get a running start but I made it.
So does that mean Iron man is actually a Female?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
He Helium
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
"This is going to revolutionize tables forever!"
handshakes
“You wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”
Me: Do you like the numerator or denominator more?
Dad: Numerator, why?
Me: I find myself divided between the two.
Sir Loin
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
“Excuse me,” I said, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, “It’s Wales!”
“No offense intended,” I replied. “Please allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”
..to find exactly 32 of them.
I really hope he eats his words.
B: 'cause this is nacho cheese
I'll beheading there soon.
"You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes. "
One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, I ordered AROMATIC duck."
I told her to…be patient.
I’m a new dad of a five-month old baby and I was quite proud of this moment.
“Come in, make a seat”
He was small arms dealing
The husband picked up a highlighter pen and asked his wife what it was.
"A highlighter pen", said the wife.
"And what is it used for?"
"To mark important thing", the wife answered.
Then the husband drew a huge line on her forehead.
Not the best joke ever but I just came up with it and felt you could do it to your significant other.
I guess loose lips synch chips
The zookeeper told me it was bred in captivity.
Sir Cumference
He acquired his size from too much pi.
"A TOE TRUCK!!??"
He acquired his size from too much pi.
was Sir Cumference
I had to get a running start but I made it!
Sir Cumferance
