Ever since the Death Star blew up, Anakin has taken to the NY Stock Exchange

He goes by Darth Trader

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Can I claim an Eastern European exchange student as a dependent to reduce my income below the phaseout threshold?

I’m hoping to get a stimulus Czech.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CombatCarlsHand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Did you hear about the seafood restaurant that will give you calamari in exchange for money?

They practice squid pro quo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crotalis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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Just casual exchange with coworker in the health field.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/funkyunicorn12
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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I asked my French exchange student if he went to the bathroom before we got into the car

He said Oui Oui

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuctapeCat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Even though I insisted there was no need for repatriation, my neighbour has just brought round a root vegetable in exchange for the reading material I gave them.

So thats a turnip for the books.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyfacedhooman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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The following exchange left a smile on my face.

Daughter: "Hey Dad! Do you know what would be SO COOL?"

Me: "A frozen needle and string?"

Daughter: groans.. "You're IMPOSSIBLE"

Me: "No, no. I'm D-"

Daughter: "DAD. DAD. WE GET IT."

Me: "We Get It.... Is that a new Nintendo System?"

Daughter: . . . walks away

.

.

Stay Proud. Stay Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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My teenage son came home upset that his crush is attracted to the new foreign exchange student at school

So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingBuck_413
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
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What do you call the punchline to a joke about zombies having a gift exchange?

A dead giveaway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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Friend: My mouth burned the whole time cause my dad made me eat this hot pepper in exchange for the show ticket. Wasn’t even a good show.

Me: You just really ate to see it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderZ__
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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The most British Twitter exchange ever.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldSchoolZero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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In exchange for peace, the US is offering North Korea a shipment of transparent rockets.

So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
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What do you think about the guy who exchanges letters with numbers?

I, for one, find it strange

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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Exchange with the wife this morning.

I walked down the stairs to see my wife on the floor laying out a pattern to sew. Her butt was facing me and of course I was staring and going into the kitchen.

Her: Are you staring at my butt? Me: Yes. Her: I always sense when someone is doing that. Me: I guess that means you have the gift of hind sight huh?

Edit: spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hupomeno
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
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An email exchange with my Dad after a trip to the ER...

Me to Dad: Hey Dad! How's it going? I'm waiting for stitches. This seriously happens annually. I should buy a suture kit...

Dad to me: Crazy glue works as a surgical glue for some smaller injuries, hurts less than a suture needle, but hey... suture-self.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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What’s the only gift that’s better when you return or exchange it?

A smile!!! :)

But that’s also the only gift I can afford this year ....... what can I say, I’m a post-Renaissance man, baroque.

Happy holidays.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lost_ina_fantasy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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I was really surprised at how many questions the Spanish exchange student asked today.

I honestly didn't expect so much Spanish Inquisition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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Just realized I dad joked the foreign exchange student the first day of track practice.

*walking down the line asking everyone their name.

And whats you name?

"Lauda"

WHATS YOUR NAME?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodLuckLetsFuck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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A friend sent this exchange to me over the weekend

His name starts with T, his wife's with S.

T: I'm done with this, do you want the rest?

S: Will you put it in the fridge for me?

T: I'm afraid it will go flat.

S: Well, just try it.

(Fridge opens, clinking noise)

T: Oh! Nope, it stayed round!

BONUS: he just sent me this picture.

It's really too bad he's not gonna have kids to inflict this on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xrelaht
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2014
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Punny rabbit twitter exchange (please forgive the hashtags) imgur.com/gallery/it5SsLW
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsakev
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2016
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Exchange between a friend who is a statistics professor and his daughter (he's on the right)

http://imgur.com/a/Uhd4b

I submitted to /r/funny but apparently text messaging posts break one of the mods laws or something. Thought y'all might appreciate it instead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LadySiren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2016
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the following exchange happened at my work

i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.

him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.

me: that bad in the relationship, eh?

him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-

me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-

him: hey, wanna see my jugs?

me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CeleresVerraden
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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A short exchange at the liquor store

So, I'm at the counter in a liquor store, where I see that the cashier is wearing a mock Sons of Anarchy shirt that says, "Sloths of Anarchy" and has a sloth as the logo. As he's ringing me up, I'm trying to think of the perfect way to compliment his shirt. AHA! THIS WILL BE PERFECT

He hands me my receipt and I say, "Hey man, I like the shirt" falling for my trap he replies, "Oh thanks dude, do you watch the show?" My genius reply:

"Yeah I did, but it was kinda slow"

He doesn't even notice and continues to ask if I watched the whole thing. Maybe the world isn't ready for my dad jokes.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
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Had this exchange at a restaurant as the waiter brought the check.

Waiter: would you like me to get you anything else?

Me: maybe a wheelbarrow to carry me out.. I'm stuffed.

Waiter: Haha! We are all out of wheelbarrows, but I can call you a taxi.

Me: I've been called worse.

Kids: groan

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2014
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Cringe-worthy exchange between my father and I the other day

Let me preface this with some info. Firstly, me and my father are idiots; our jokes can become insensitive if we aren't careful, as we have few filters. My parents live in a tiny town amidst a thousand other tiny towns. One of the tiny towns right beside us (let's call it Townsburg) has a lot of forest and extra land, so towards the end of the summer when it's still hot but the land is starting to dry out, it's rather susceptible to fires. The other day, Townsburg caught fire in a few different places. The town my parents live in (we'll call it Cityville) is the sausage capital of our state. Yep. Sausage capital. Like brisket and such. Our proudest export is meat. Meat is what we are most proud of. I don't live there anymore, thank the universe.

So I went by my parents house on the way home from work one day to check on my retired, sick father, and watch the news with him (something I try to do whenever I can). And what happened next, well, it all just happened so fast...

Me: "Whoa, Townsburg is on fire again. I guess Cityville isn't the barbecue capital anymore, AYO." Dad: "Nope. Looks like they're about to be the barbecued capital." Me: "...we may need to stop hanging out so much."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/queerleaderr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2015
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Dad Joke in the family Christmas gift exchange notification email

> Here is the list of who buys for whom in the gift exchange. > > The rules are: Spend $50, no gift cards. (If you think $50 is too much then make it two $25 gifts.) > > PS: If you want to spend more on me I would understand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaveIsLame2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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One of my older friends who has been a dad (he housed an exchange student with his wife) says this every time we are at the pool.

Friend: Is this a pool or an ool? Me: What's an ool? Friend: A pool with no P in it. me: ..... ha.. ha.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gravityx100
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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