A German tourist jumped off to the freezing water to save my precious dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out he said, "Here is ze dog, dry him off and he vill be fine." I said, "Are you a vet?" To which he replied, annoyed; "Vet? I'm fucking zoaking."

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/im_not_geih
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the life guard save the hippy from drowning?

Because he was too far out man.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jmf95-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the drowning Pharoah refuse to ask for help?

he was in de Nile

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?

He was too faarrr out, man!

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atoterrano
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard my niece screaming that she was drowning in the bathroom. I ran quickly into the bathroom to see what was wrong.

She had a glass of water on her head and said β€œI’m underwater”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdafbird
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear why the hippie died from drowning?

Because he was too far out, man!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WalrusNerd
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to tell the Egyptian that he was drowning

But he was in denial

πŸ‘︎ 901
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
🚨︎ report
What did one drowning man say to the other drowning man?

Blblblblblblblb

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacob_wallace
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad Advise #34: If you see someone drowning, call the ice cream man

He can get them a float.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Synisive
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster drown?

He went skating on the lake before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 163
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PoolSharkPete
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who drowned in the canal?

Waterway to go

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeNordy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Pharaoh refuse to believe his son had drowned?

Because he was in The Nile

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoNocive
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? He was dragged down by a currant..

I'm serious, it made the news headlines "Cereal killer sixth victim"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My good friend drowned while at the beach last month. I tearfully placed a life preserver on his coffin at the funeral.

It's what he would've wanted.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rogue-_-robot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I drowned in the pool.

The experience was breath-taking.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sharmaamit92
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the farmer who drowned in chickpeas?

The police suspect it was a hummucide.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faoroth
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who drowned in his muesli?

I heard he was pulled under by a strong currant.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Teron__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
🚨︎ report
On the disabled man that drowned while teenagers filmed:
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yetanotherAZN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Why won't a lad drown in the ocean?

Because of boy-and-sea

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i14d14
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who drowned in Half & Half?

He got creamated.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xiams
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad loved telling the same jokes over and over, one of his favourites was: What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea? He drowned in his tee pee
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davidiamdavid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the pubic hair on the toilet seat, drown?

It was pissed off!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the hippie drown?

cuz he was tooooo farrrrrrr outtttttt!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Help: Spent my whole shower trying to think of comic book-based puns for toiletries. Best I could do was Conditioner Gordon and a 2 in 1 shampoo named Harvey Dent.

Maybe a No More Tears version called Daredevil? I don’t know. A sleeping mask called the Dark Night? Deadpoop toilet paper? I’m drowning here, man.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yikesomalley
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Knock knock

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Dwayne

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the tub dad I’m drowning!

(May have heard it on a Tv Show just now but it belongs here!)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xCurb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A man, adrift at sea in his kayak, was running low on supplies

As the sky darkened, he started to get worried about the cold. Rummaging through his supplies, he realized he had just enough to build a small fire. The man did accomplish his goal, but just as the fire started to grow, it sank his vessel, and the man drowned.

I guess the old saying holds true; you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?

He was too far out man.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hexagon_papers
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?

He was too far out man!

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OfficeBadger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?

He was too far out, man.

[xpost from r/AskReddit]

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Enzo595
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the life guard save the drowning hippie?

He was just too far out man

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/qqwrz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie?

Because he was too far out, man!

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hexyl68
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did the lifeguard not try to save the drowning hippie?

Because he was too far out, man

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pryxkiran
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the lifeguard say to the drowning hippie?

You're too far out man!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tmacker14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ducks420
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 383
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SideOfInsanity
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster drown

He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blobty
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
The hipster from next door drowned.

He went ice skating before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SunportEnclave
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating on a pond before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who drowned in a bowl of muesli?

He was dragged under by a strong current.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/starryem
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
🚨︎ report
I used to play water polo

But the horse drowned

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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