True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Did you hear about the person who invented the door knocker?

They won the Nobel prize.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oeco123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...

Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling β€œI stepped on a Bee!”

I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...

Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.

Apparently I had dropped one...

Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....

A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.

Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."

Mee: "You are not coming in."

Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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Someone's at the door
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?

Because they belong behind bars.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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I knocked on the fridge door before I opened it .

I could hear the salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redsteelgonnawin
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
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I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.

"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"

>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AFonziScheme
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A police officer just came to the door and said he was looking for a man with one eye.

I told him he would probably find him faster he used both.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RushilPc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...

It's pastor bedtime

πŸ‘︎ 279
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trigrex
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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Last Halloween a girl dressed as the grim reaper came to my door with messy hair and asked me politely to fix it.

That night, I had a brush with death.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeWhenThe-ItsWhen
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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I exercise by running up the street and knocking on all the doors....

Jehovah's Fitness.

πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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Why did the bank manager close the door?

To stop the bank draft

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Big_Science2860
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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How does an angry Muslim close the door?

Islams it

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/6raystone
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.

That way, I always make a grand entrance.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Jay Leno went to Morgan Freeman’s house and had a lot of drinks. Leno suddenly started to urinate on Freeman’s carpet. Freeman was furious and ran after him as he kept on urinating. The banker next door saw the whole thing and decided to start a bank...

Kids, that is the true story of how Jay-pee-Morgan-chase was named

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/damilalam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
You know why you should always knock on the fridge door before opening it?

Because there might salad dressing inside.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rbevans
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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How do Italians knock on the door?

Gnocchi gnocchi gnocchi.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aawferris
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.

Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhatProtomolecule
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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We live next door to the Pullovers.

They're a tight knit family.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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The chicken coop only had 2 doors

since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, only to be stopped by a priest at the door. "I'm very sorry but we don't allow Higgs-Boson in here."

The Higgs-Boson then replies, "But without me, how will you have mass?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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My roomba went out my front door and a pack of bears attacked it, an eagle carried it away to the ocean, and a shark finished it off.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingogordy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 662
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you tell the difference between a male door and a female door?

One has a ding-dong and the other has knockers.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovina9
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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When the elevator doors opened for me to enter, everyone was asleep inside...

Must be that Ambien music that they play

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I once got into an argument with a co-worker, who slammed the door so hard when he left, it broke the latch.

Which sucked, because I thought we needed the closure...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vin135mm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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(true story) After having my son install an electric keypad deadbolt on the man door in my garage, my daughter says:

Dad, are you sure that new deadbolt was man-door-tory??

Making daddy proud.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Good thing there are just the two doors to the US Capitol building

Cause attempted sedan doesn’t have the same ring to it

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeugirdork
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What does it say on the exit door to the sperm bank?

Thanks for coming......

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_I-Have-A-Plan_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow

It was our last warming.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you always knock on the fridge door before you open it?

Because there could be a salad dressing!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it.

Just in case, there's a salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omniwrench-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
To the man who invented the door knocker

I hope you win a Nobel prize

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lsharpe23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I always knock on the door of the fridge before opening it.

Just in case there's a salad dressing.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it

Just in case there's a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DubstepAndTrap
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I always knock on the fridge before I open the door...

Just in case there is a salad dressing.

I'll see myself out....

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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