The Desperate Man Puns

Unfortunately they travelled in different circles.

He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:

"Nice suit."

The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.

Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:

"That's a lovely watch."

Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:

"Great haircut."

The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:

"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."

"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.

"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.

A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:

"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."

Granted my son is known for corny (akadad) jokes but this one is a gem and I’m so proud I knew I had to share it here.

Two men were stranded in the desert for about a week with no food or water. They were getting pretty desperate.

One of the men saw a tree in the distance. It was simply covered in bacon. So much bacon that there were no leaves to be seen. More bacon than the two of them could eat in a week. They were saved!

After sharing his discovery with his companion; the man began to run towards the tree, the scent of bacon overwhelming his senses.

Right before he reached his goal he was surrounded by many men firing repeatedly at him. He was struck by several bullets from all directions.

Too late he realized it had not been a bacon tree that he had seen, instead it was a ham bush.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving."

The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.

So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing.

He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.

The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!"

But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.

The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!"

But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.

Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!"

But to his dismay, nothing works.

Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.

He stands over the fallen soldier and says:

"Tankity tank-tank."

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -

A huge pair of jaws crushes their boat, trapping them in the beasts mouth. As water and krill fill the cavity, one man claws at the inside desperately as the other sits calmly on the tongue. Furious, the panicked man screams at the other as to how he can be so calm. He replies in an even tone, "In times like these I just remember that famous saying: All's whale that ends whale!"

,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.

The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''

,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I want is for wars to end.'' She drags forth a handy map of the world. ,,See these countries? They are scarred with ancient bloodfeuds. You should show them peace. Yes, that's my wish.''

,,B-but ma'm, that's impossible! Their hearts are so hardened, and I would have to prevent droughts and hunger and disarm all threats...-'' pleas the genie desperately.

,,Very well, since you're so tired, I guess I'll settle for something else. Now... I've been without a man for so long, and my last husband was nothing short of a rat, so I'd like a man. A man that... does the laundry and the dishes and vaccuums the house. He must be gentle in manners but wild and talented in bed, and of course sexy and handsome. He must love me more than anything else in this world and tell me so each day with a bouquet of flowers. But most of all he'll have to understand me. Yes, that's what I want, the perfect man.''

The genie sighs. ,,Just give me the fucking map.'

He comes upon a monastery. Desperately tired and hungry, he knocks on the door and shortly after a solemn monk appears.

The man asks if he can come in to rest and get something to eat. The monk replies, “Of course! But all we have to eat is fish and chips.” The monk takes the man to the dining hall where the other monastics are already assembled for dinner.

After the meal the man exclaims, “That was the best meal I have ever had! I must meet the cook.”

Soon after, a portly gentleman emerges from the kitchen and greets the man. The man asks, “Are you the fish fryer?” To which the cook responds:

“No. I’m the chip monk”

The owner of the place launched a daring proposal; -Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.

Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.

With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced; -We have a brave winner.

After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said; -I didn't jump, someone pushed me!

His wife smiled ...

Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

A while ago, there were some friars who needed to raise money, so they opened up a flower shop. Across the street, there was another flower shop that had already been open for a few years. Afraid of competition, the owner politely asked the friars to sell something else in heir shop. They refused. People liked the new flower shop better, so the first shop’s profits started dropping. Concerned that he might go out of business, the owner of the first shop asked the friars to close their shop. They refused. Some time passed, and the first shop was on the verge of bankruptcy. Desperate, the owner begged the friars to close their shop. They refused again. Then, the owner of the first shop used the last of his money to hire a hit man named Hugh Williams to beat up the friars and trash their shop. He did, and when he was done, he told the friars he’d be back if they didn’t close down. Scared for their lives, the friars agreed, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.

A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when he is stopped by the Maitre'D, who tells him that he can't be admitted without a necktie. The man, late for his appointment, runs back out to his car and searches high and low. Finally, out of desperation, he grabs a set of jumper cables, ties them into a rough knot around his neck and runs back into the restaurant. The Maitre'D stares at him for a few seconds and finally says, "Alright, I'll let you in..." and then leans in and says in a low growl, "but you'd better not try to start anything."

well, I finally lost it... I was just in a store and saw a man whose cart was FULL to the brim with hand sanitizers, toilet paper, soaps... You know everything that people desperately need right now!!! I called him a greedy bastard, and told him he should be freaking ashamed of himself! He said " are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shells now"

I heard about a man who was obsessed with houseplants. His wife got to the point that she couldn't deal with them all over the house so she had him move all of his plants to the entryway. Now that the plants were consolidated it was much easier to move about the house, but he kept adding plants to their entryway until it was impossible to leave the house.

His wife finally had enough and tried to clear them out herself but they were all intertwined and she was unable to hack through the forest that now occupied their entryway. Desperate, she called a family friend, a forester with the National Park Service, who came and cleared out the veritable jungle while the man who had raised the plants looked on in dismay.

Just before leaving, the forester turned to the man and spoke sternly: "Only you can prevent forest foyers."

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, and asked very softly : “May I ask what the turkey did?”

I'd like to thank my friend John for sending me this dumb joke

Mr. Sterling Frogsen was desperate. After a few months of success, his bakery was beginning to flounder and running in the red. He was a proud man who was proud of starting his small business without asking for any help. But now times were tough and he had to face the fact that without a loan his bakery was doomed.

So he went to local bank but was disheartened to see that the loan officer was the notorious Patricia Wacomb, the hard-nosed banker who only agreed to sure bets and rarely took risks.

"Please, ma'am, I am in sore need of this loan! My bakery is only going through a temporary setback!" Normally such pleas fell on deaf ears, but today Patricia was feeling generous. Something about Mr. Frogsen moved her and she believed his plight.

"Mr. Frogsen, I would approve this loan, but this bank cannot afford to take any risks."

"Is there anything you can do, Ms. Wacomb? I am desperate!"

"Well, do you have any collateral?"

"Only this family heirloom," Sterling responded while handing Patricia his prized family treasure. Patricia was at a loss, however, for she had never seen anything like that before.

"Let me ask my manager," she responded as she showed her director the prized heirloom. His eyes opened wide in amazement as he told her,

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, now give the Frog a loan!"

So this group of Irish monks needs to make payments on their belfry, and they've begun to run out of money, so after racking their brains for a few nights, and trying everything they could to get some cash together, they decide to sell flowers to make money. For weeks they sell flowers, and it's going well. Too well in fact, they've begun to run the local florist, Patty O'Flannigan out of town. Well, a bit cheesed at the monks jumping in on his territory, he decides to confront them. He asks them to step off, politely, but they simply respond that, "That's no way to talk to men of God!", and throw him out of their monastery. For weeks this goes on, the monks selling flowers, and the florist getting more and more desperate to make them stop. Finally, he goes to Hugh Mactaggart, the biggest, baddest man in town -- he could get anyone to leave town -- so Patty decides he's the best way to get rid of the monks, gives him the rest of the money, and retires to bed, wary of the results. In the morning, a knock on his door reveals Mactaggart, offering a firm handshake and saying, "They shant be botherin' ya again Patty." The moral of the story is, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

I'm a dad, and I told my dad this, so I think it counts. It got a lot of groans, so I think it's great, if a bit long.

I once lived near a small, simple town where there lived named Hugh.

Hugh was a very smart man stricken with a series of personal tragedies earlier in his life. As a result, he moved to this small town and took a job in his local florist shop, relaxing the days away arranging flowers and trying not to think of times past. Hugh grew to love working there.

One day, a disaster struck the town. A small, single engine airplane crashed a block from Hugh's shop, killing those on the plane and setting fire to several buildings, both occupied and empty.

The impact ruptured a gas line, which ultimately exploded, creating a shock wave that caused part of the building next to the florist shop to collapse and trap several of Hugh's customers and co-workers inside. The situation was desperate, as the shop would be burned to the ground at any moment.

Acting quickly, Hugh located the gas main, shutting it down. Next, Hugh noticed a water storage tank nearby, and opened a release valve that suffocated the fire before it reached his beloved shop.

With the fire out, and the florist shop saved along with those trapped inside, Hugh was a hero. The town presented him with a plaque in honor of his courageous deeds. On this plaque was a detailed etching of a bear, and Hugh was touched because he loved bears. But it was the words etched beneath that truly touched him.

"Only Hugh could prevent florist fires."

King Broderick was in trouble. He wasn't a very good king, and his brother Argyle was gathering forces to depose him and take the crown. In desperation, he captured Count Petrie, a very popular man who was one of his brother's cronies, and tortured him to learn his brother's location.

But the count wouldn't divulge the information, so the King scheduled a public execution. The crowds gathered, including the King's brother, who was there in disguise. The Count was forced to kneel, with his head on the chopping block. The headsman stood nearby, holding his axe at the ready. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, you are here before me because you have aligned yourself with my brother. If you tell me where he is, I will allow you to live out your days in my dungeon. Remain silent, and you will die." The Count remained silent. King Broderick motioned to the headsman, who slowly raised his axe and swung it down...THUNK...into the wood next to the Count's head. The Count stared at the axe, visibly shaking. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, that was a warning, and there will not be another. Tell me where my brother is and you will live. Remain silent, and you will die!" The Count stayed silent. King Broderick again motioned to the headsman, who raised the axe. As the headsman began the downswing, the Count cried out "Wait!!" but...THUNK...it was too late, and the Count's head fell to the ground.

At the Count's death, the King's brother leapt up and revealed himself to the crowd. Cheering Argyle, they crowded forward and overran the King's guards. Soon, it was Broderick's head on the chopping block. Argyle, the new King, waved back the headsman, knelt beside his brother and whispered into his ear "Silly brother, don't hatchet your Counts before they've chickened."

My 6th grade teacher had a reputation of being the meanest, strictest teacher on campus, but once I made it through his class, I realized he could be a jokester, too.

-In math class, he liked to tell a long, complicated story about a boy encountering a genie, eventually wishing for some odd things, just to end it with the punchline, "Gee, I'm a tree." (geometry)

-Another one of his long jokes consisted of a man being chased by a hearse. In a fit of desperation, he throws some Halls throat lozenges at it...."and the coffin went away."

-During study time, he would sometimes grab a balloon from his desk, blow it up, and proceed to slowly let air out of it, just to produce the squeaky noise.

-His favorite short joke: "Doctor, doctor, I broke my arm in three places!" "I advise you to stay out of those places."

-He was also probably the all-time leader of correcting, "Can I go to the bathroom?"

-He would also occasionally play opera music at the end of the day, not dismissing the class until we made it through an entire song without laughing.

-There were also a couple words that incited a specific reaction from him. Many of these words showed up often in history class, which is his favorite subject (probably because of all the jokes):

• CARGO - "cargo beep beep".

• RAY - Whenever the word or name "ray" was mentioned, he would always respond with "You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, but ya doesn't have to call me Johnson." Needless to say, we hated the math lesson about rays.

• HUDSON - During mentions of the Hudson River in history, he would always sing back "HUDSON 3-2-700."

• OKLAHOMA - Whenever Oklahoma came across, he would sing the famous line from Oklahoma! the musical. (with an especially long "ohhhhhhh!")

• SURELY - "...and don't call me Shirley." (but of course, who doesn't respond with that?)

• GERONIMOOOO!!!! - pretty self explanatory.

• Sticking with these obscure quotes and references, his two favorite days of the year are November 5th and March 15th.

Anyway, it was a fun year with that teacher. I'll add more of his quirks if I think of any.

-Also,

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

“You’ll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout ‘Bangity bang-bang’. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonet and shout ‘Stabbity stab-stab’. Now get moving.”

The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts “Bangity bang-bang!” the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts “Stabbity stab-stab!” and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.

So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting “Bangity bang-bang” and occasionally “Stabbity-stab-stab”, until eventually he realizes he’s the last man standing.

He’s feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.

The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, “Bangity-bang-bang!”

But the other soldier doesn’t go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.

The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, “Bangity bang-bang!” But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.

Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, “Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!” But to his dismay, nothing works.

Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.

He stands over the fallen soldier and says: “Tankity tank-tank.”....

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him

A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:

thump...

thump...

thump...

Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...

The coffin stops.