The Delay Puns

she wanted his fiance to mari_nate.

No pinchin'

He stalled for time.

They had a severe case of a reptile dysfunction.

"...hare today, gone tomorrow."

My girlfriend is having her bridesmaid dress altered, but they pushed back the finish date. The wedding is next week.

I looked at her and said, "That's cutting it close."

It hit so hard that she might be pregnant (I'm not a dad).

It was under pier review.

No Windows

It's a real shame, we had just gotten the swing of it.

I am a 57 yr old apprentice electrician currently in school. My instructor was explaining an electronic circuit and then told us it was an "ON-DELAY" timer. Without hesitation, i yelled out "Does it work faster in Mexico?" I immediately received 24 groans and eye rolls from my classmates(all much younger than myself). I only wish a had a mic to drop!!

EDIT:Thanks for the awards, almost as good as the groans and eyerolls!!

2B or not 2B

…at first they say “that shit was nasty!” A day later they say “that shit was amazing!”

I guess you could call it stationary.

Because it was a naan issue.

They always want to delay.

It was made very clear that being sent to bed, with no meal, was not an option. But they said no to every alternative put on the table.

Going back to Brussel sprouts was a waste of time.

Around 1910, a French chef did a series of reckless experiments with boiled egg whites and other items, thus accidentally creating a new condiment. He named it after his hometown, and so the new confection became known as mayonnaise.

One of the first fans of the new confection was Mexico’s ambassador to France, who wrote home about this marvelous new product, and so an enormous demand for mayonnaise developed across Mexico. But the demand could not be met; the chef refused to share the recipe with anyone, and the logistics of keeping the product cold while in transit from France to any part of Mexico proved very difficult.

An especially ambitious entrepreneur named Julio Gomez offered a solution: instead of sailing from France directly to Mexico, through the warm waters where the unrefrigerated mayonnaise would likely spoil, it could be shipped from France to the northern United States, a voyage that would be much colder and therefore preserve the mayonnaise much better. Once unloaded in New York, it would only need a few days to reach Mexico by train, and so Gomez arranged for special refrigerated rail cars to transport it.

The financial and logistical difficulties of this shipping method were daunting, but Gomez was more than equal to the task. He had hoped to begin the shipping in late 1911 to take advantage of the cold weather, but what with one thing and another he was forced to delay until the following spring.

But April in the North Atlantic is still cold enough, and so Gomez went ahead with his plan. He secured his supply of mayonnaise in Paris, and got it to Liverpool in record time. From there he managed to get it into the cargo of a passenger liner that was leaving for New York that very day, and arranged for the rail cars to meet the shipment in New York. Word of this development reached Mexico, where it was received with great joy and anticipation.

Much to Gomez’s misfortune, the ship in question was none other than the Titanic. The importation scheme was a total loss, and no further attempt to import mayonnaise to Mexico was made for decades after.

Due to the rushed and chaotic nature of Gomez’s operation, it took some weeks to confirm that his cargo of mayonnaise had been on the Titanic. Once the news was confirmed, Mexico’s hopes were crushed and there was a period of low-key national mourning.

The tragic loss of the Titanic shocked and saddened people all over the world. Mass funerals for the dead passengers were held in New York, L

Son: Wow that stream is really rush'en.

Me: oh good that is so much better than German.

I just had to pick a country real quick not trying to make any statement....

It's on paperview

If Adele ever decided to do a charity concert, she could call it Adele-Aid.

And if it were to take place in the capital of South Australia, it would be Adele-Aid Adelaide.

And if it were to be delayed, it would be a delayed Adele-Aid Adelaide.

And if it were so delayed that it had to be postponed until the next day, it would be a delayed Adele-Aid Adelaide a day late.

Guess the plan just didn't unfold.

She wanted me to drive her home from her chemistry practical because the trains were delayed. She asked if I knew why the trains weren't running, and I said it was because of the rain. (Which was true.)

Then I asked her if she realised that trains were soluble in water; after all, what do you think the molecular structure of the Polar Express is going to be?

and it may be my crowning achievement.

We did a delayed Christmas at the in-laws a few weekends back (COVID happened) and my FIL is the kind of jokester that does things like wrap one boot in one present for his wife and the other boot in another.

Mom-in-Law says, "look at him, stretching one gift into two...."

Father-in-law then opens a gift from her and it's a winter vest. Without missing a beat I say, "look who's stretching gifts now, where's the box with the sleeves!?"

I never post so I had to build karma before sharing but hopefully it was worth the wait!

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

It was super delayed. The system may be heavy by a high Xi Ji-PING

We were Skyping, and I was trying to figure out the delay between the audio and the video. I said "ping", as I often do when this issue occurs, and she replies "ping" back to signal when she heard me. Sometimes, when she doesn't do it the first time, it gets confusing and I don't know which one she is responding to.

So I switched my word to "taco" in the hopes that it'd break the cycle. No go. She goofed it again.

When I said "I give up", she said "Wait! Let's taco 'bout this."

I love that girl.

Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.

There was a captain that was roused from his cabin by a commotion on his ship.

He ran out and yelled “Whats going on?!"

His first mate replied “We Have Octopuses on the poop deck, captain!”

The Captain looked around as a few squid scurried around the deck and said “Inform the passengers that our arrival to shore will be delayed due to... tentacle difficulties."

He's been practicing for this role for months. He goes down to the opera house on the day of the audition, only to find he's come down with a sore throat and can't hit his notes anymore. In a panic, he asks one of the directors if they can postpone his audition.

"I'm sorry," says the director, "but we can't delay an audition for just one performer. That would set a bad precedent. Instead, I'll let you in on a little opera house secret." The director pours the man a cup of warm, smelly liquid. "Drink this. It's a special tea to help your throat. The recipe has been passed down for decades in this opera company, and I guarantee it will make you able to sing again."

The man wrinkles up his nose and takes a swig. "Euch! This is... awful! What's in this tea anyways?"

"Well, it's a secret herbal tea blend made with... well... fish broth." The director replies. "Tuna, specifically. We've found it helps soothe the throat better than any other fish we've tried."

Sure enough the man is able to sing again! He hits all his notes and gives an exemplary performance.

At the end of the auditions, he finds the director that gave him the tea. "So... what did you think? Did I get the part or not?" He asks.

"I'm sorry," said the director, "you performed well, but we've decided to give the part to someone else."

"That's OK," the man says, "I'm just really grateful for the Opera-Tuna-Tea."

So I was on the red-eye flying overseas to meet my buddies for an epic roadtrip adventure. I got me a first class ticket because YOLO and I always wanted to try those convertible seat/beds.

So in the morning the flight attendants serve breakfast, which includes this tasty soup with poached egg in it. They offered drinks and they had champagne so I thought why the hell not.

There were delays and when we finally landed and I got to our meet up place, my mates were already there and gotten the bong out.

They said, "Where were you while we were getting high?"

"I was having..." and I turned to them, took my sunglasses off, and said, "champagne, soup and ova in the sky."

Back story: I work as a bartender at a bar that is right after you exit security at International Arrivals at an airport.

Had several customers sitting at the bar, and we were all talking about how Lufthansa pilots are going on strike, and there's been a lot of cancelled plans/major delays in the last few days.

Customer: I don't know what's going on! Must be something in the air.

Me: You mean there's nothing in the air.

Cue entire bar groaning. Got a few good tips out of it.

We skip most of the football due to the annoying announcers, confusing rules and frequent replay delays, but I was able to come up with an answer when he asked what happens when both teams fail to score in OT. It’s a tie, Dad.

After hearing my flight had been delayed for the second time I went up to the gate check-in desk.

Me: "What are the chances the flight is cancelled?"

Guy working the desk: "Can't say for certain, it's up in the air right now."

"Aren't they always?"

Wife groaned. Wife's friend had the delayed giggles. Good times.

Me: The delay was cause they said it was icy. (It wasn't icy at all in reality)

Her: Icy, my ass!

Me: I see your ass, too ;)

Her-"Sorry about the delay sir our computers are slow in the morning"

Me- "You should enable java script!"

So we were doing laundry, specifically moving the wet clothes from the washer to the dryer and of course she complains about how much she hates doing laundry.

"God, I really hate doing laundry"

Without a second delay, I retort, "Yeah, it's a very dry task."

I was telling my dad about how we just got our car back from being fixed at our local mechanic and had a pretty disappointing experience. I had to call back several times only to find that there would be further delays (5 days total) until the car was repaired and after 'cleaning' the car and they left grease marks everywhere - including all over the windows, on the steering wheel and door handles.

My dad cut in with "at least you could slip through the traffic easily".

My special other wanted to be polite, as Dad was filling up the bathtub to take a bath during our stay there.

Special Other speaks through the bathroom door "Dad, can I use the bathroom quickly?"

Dad walks out without delay wearing a shit-eating-grin

"I don't know, have you timed yourself?"

Cheese shredder broke last week - ordered a new, fancier one. Snow slowed the shipment down.

Emailed wife: "Shredder is delayed - I bring you this news with grate sadness."

I deliver pizza for a living and I showed up at the door, as is my wont, with one hand holding the pizza bag and the other holding the receipt. On opening the door, I greeted the pater familia and told him the amount I was owed. He gave me the money and I handed him the receipt so I could free up my hands to pull the pizza out of the bag, saying offhandedly, "Here you go," indicating the receipt. The patriarch then looked at the menu bemusedly and remarked, "Hmm, seems a little light." It took me a little to figure out the joke was supposed to be that he thought the menu accompanying the receipt was the entire delivery.

On noticing my delayed reaction, the daughter of the house proceeded to put her hand to her face in a manner not unlike our dear Snoo at the top of this page. I've been delivering for two years now--that was easily the lamest, most Dad-like joke I have ever come across.

The newly wedded couple's flight home last night was delayed from bad weather. She sent a group text this morning, letting us know they arrived safely. Of course, Dad responds, "Bet your arms are TIRED!"

No one said anything, so he added "Because you just flew in from Tampa!"

I could practically hear the eye roll from the airport.

It’s on Paperview!