The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confused and scoffs 'Imposseeble! You cannot grow BaycON on a tree!'. 'Come! And I weel show you ze bacon tree!'. So Jean-Luc & Jean-Pierre set off down the river, with Jean-pierre providing direction to the enigmatic 'bacon tree'. Finally, they pulled over onto a small beach that lead to a large forest. 'Stay 'ere and watch ze canoe, and I weel bring ze bacon back from ze bacon tree!' said John-Pierre. Hours go by and John-Pierre hasn't returned. As night falls, and Jean-Luc is about to enter the forest to look for his friend, he hears a rustling in the nearby brush, to which Jean-Pierre stumbles out, bloody and with arrows through his legs and arms. 'Jean-Pierre! What 'appened!!' exclaimed Jean-luc. 'Turns out it was not a bacOn tree.....it was an 'AMBUSH!!!'
My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad "The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing." To which my dad then asked, "You know why they're so bright, right?" Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, "Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much?" His reply; "No. Its because the sun went down. So now its darker outside." Dad: 1. Me: -5.
When talking about breastfeeding our newborn and how he has been sooooo gassy:
Grandma (my mom): the sucking helps to relax the colon so that will help.
Me (new dad): I'll be damned if you think I'm going to suck on his colon
Cue groans and a slap upside my head.
I am studying Visual Basic and I just had this exchange with my father:
Me: What is the difference between a decimal and a double? Dad: One is a colon.
I was on the phone with my dad just now, and he was talking about his co-worker that had colon cancer. Not the regular colon cancer that's deep in the colon where you get tested for it and have surgery, but right there on the delivery end. The kind where it hurts when you sit down or when you go to poop.
He said it was a pain in the butt.
It was a while ago, so I forget the exact circumstances, but I remember walking in the hospital room where my dad was just after he had surgery done on his colon. Lying there, still heavily sedated, he laughed a little and said:
"I feel bad for my doctor. He works with real assholes."
My parents and I were eating dinner and talking about how Joan Rivers died after being put under anesthesia for a procedure that could have been forgone. My mom, a doctor, compared it to a colonoscopy in the sense that it is a routine procedure you get put under anesthesia for but you don't expect to die from.
Dad: Can't they perform colonoscopies now by having the patient swallow a pill with a camera?
Mom/Dr: They can but they won't be able to see the whole colon.
Dad: So, semicolon?
