Why do the neighborhood signs warn me of the slow children at play?

Do I need to watch out because they are mentally slow? If they were just playing slowly, you would think they would see me coming and no sign would be needed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chmcarro
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2015
🚨︎ report
I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins

Edit: Thank you so much for the gold and silver

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theDwarfed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Lily's fatal Greek mythology school play.

Lily liked Greek mythology a lot. Her favorite character was the titaness Rhea. She loved the story about her outsmarting Cronus with a stone in order to get her children back. She loved it so much in fact, that for the sake or realism, she decided to eat some rocks too for the upcoming school play she took part in! But, very soon after going onto the stage, poor Lily started convulsing on the floor. It was a poor decision to eat the stones. She knew that. But at least, she could die a Rhea.

.
.
.
I am so, so sorry. Please forgive me.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BrotherTausil
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Most people don’t understand how important genetics plays into our children’s development.

And that’s why children will always pay for the β€œshins of their father.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wyllyam1111
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What do toys and boobs have in common?

Both are made for children but it's the fathers who play with them most.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said β€œMike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Knock-Knock Jokes

I don't think I ever got a knock-knock joke to work on my dad. Couldn't even get the damn thing off the ground.

Me: "Dad, knock-knock."

Dad: "Come in."

Serious frustration. What's worse is that I'd try again. I'd say, "No, but really: knock-knock." And he'd just say, "I already told you, the door's open."

My dad jailbroke the knock-knock joke on his own children.

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CRR884
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
My 5 year old son got my wife this morning

She was telling him about the local children's museum we're visiting today. We've been once before, but it's been a while so he wanted to know what all they had there.

"Well, remember last time we went, and you played in the kids' grocery store?"

His reply: "Nuh uh, grocery stores don't sell kids!"

πŸ‘︎ 207
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rylnalyevo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2015
🚨︎ report
I got my family good with a rare bed size joke

My wife and I own a king size bed. My wife, my two children (a 5 year old boy and 8 month old boy) were playing on the bed.

Me: Lucky we have a king size bed. Can you imagine all of us on a twin? My wife: I know right. Me: I imagine his brother would be angry and tell us to get off his twin.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BearDrivingCar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad burned me...

I'm horrible at telling stories and this is my first r/dadjokes post.

I was showing my dad the frontpage gif of the balloon full of mercury hitting the ground...

Dad-"Neat! Even though that is rather dangerous."

Me-"Yeah, but it's cool."

Dad-"I remember when I was in school and they would walk around and placed little drops of mercury in our hands to play with.''

Me-"And see, you turned out some what fine!"

Dad-"But what they didn't know was the genetic damage it did to people's children..."

Me-"Good one..."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dragdollb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.